Thoughts on my writing

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Here are the first couple of pages of the novel I am writing. I haven't a title for it yet but I would just like to know what you all think of it. I would apreciate it if you would email me your thoughts. my e-mail adress is McLainD1@citadel.edu

Dawn came early on the East side of the Great Hill. The new sun crept slowly up the bed until it reached the face of the handsome young blacksmith. The sunlight woke him as it did every morning. He blinked his eyes a few times to get used to the early morning sun. He slowly sat up and ran his fingers through his dark brown hair. He stretched his arms as he stood up. He was very imposing. Not only was he tall, but because of his trade, he was very muscular. Although he was not as thick as the others of his trade, he was no less strong. He got himself cleaned and dressed and headed to work. He lived only a few miles from his workshop. It was down off the hill in the business part of town. As he passed through the crowded gate at the base of the hill, he waved to his friend Krill who was a gate guard in Her Majesty’s service.

“Good morning Krill.” He yelled over the bustling crowd. Krill looked down from his post and a smile crossed his face as he saw his friend Lerick.

“Hello Lerick! How is your business doing?” inquired Krill.

“Great! I am in a bit of a hurry and must be going now. I shall talk to you tomorrow. Goodbye.” replied Lerick.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” yelled Krill as his voice was drowned out by the roar of the passing crowd. Lerick worked his way through the busy streets until he made it to his large workshop.

He went inside and started the fire in the furnace. He took his tools out from a drawer and put them into a barrel of water. He then rummaged through the scrap metal he had bought. He found a large piece of steel that had apparently been a gate before it’s disposal.

“This will do excellently.” He thought to himself. He began to temper it into a long, straight piece of metal.
“This will make a fine sword!” he exclaimed.

It had been a while since he had made anything other than a tool of war. Due to the recent declaration of war against the Barbarian Kings of the north, Lerick had enough work orders from the Queen’s Army that he would be set for six years. He was also being paid twice the normal rate that he usually made. It also helped that he had the reputation of being the best sword craftsman in all of the city of Sarsham, capitol of the kingdom of Armin. No one knew how he made such finely crafted weapons, or why they were completed so quickly after they were begun. No one questioned his methods or abilities which was good because Lerick would not share his secret if asked anyways. He had started his apprenticeship when he was only thirteen. The blacksmith he learned under was a foreign man that told the most fantastic stories about ancient wars, magic weapons, and valiant heroes.

The Blacksmith looked as if he had been poor all his life. Lerick had known somehow though that he was very wise. He told the old man what he thought of him. The old man had laughed and offered Lerick an apprenticeship. Lerick had eagerly accepted. Lerick had no interest in making anything other than swords. Within a year, Lerick was able to make a sword that any soldier would gladly wield. He had then moved on to axes, spears, maces, finally ring armor. The old man had shown Lerick many secrets that few blacksmiths have ever heard whispers about. This is how Lerick received his great skill. Then one day the old man became ill and Lerick did all he could to save him, but to no avail. Lerick took over the workshop and made himself successful.

He had taken up odd jobs from people to make himself proficient in any job that might be asked of him. Then war was declared a few months ago. By that time his reputation as a master sword craftsman had spread like wildfire. When war broke out, a general in the Queen’s army approached Lerick with a contract. It had been a decent contract to begin with, but Lerick had managed to make it a little better.
Today he planned on making a couple swords and an axe. Lerick laid the piece of steel down on his anvil and pounded away with his hammer.

“Ping. Ping. Ping.” The sound was constant and dulled the senses. In Lerick’s mind the sound was a musical masterpiece. The old man had taught him how to listen to the music of the anvil. Today the air was cool and the fire hot which added a good contrast to each other, just as the noises in his workshop did. It felt as though there were an orchestra playing a masterpiece in his mind. He closed his eyes when using his hammer, and somehow, the metal formed whatever it was he desired.

Yet today was different. Someone kicked in Lerick’s door just as he was about to finish the first sword he was working on. The music in his mind fell apart and he became slightly aggravated. He turned to see who had disturbed his symphony and was frightened to see an oversized man that was distorted in shape. His eyes were wide and bright red, almost glowing. His back was slouched and his legs were shorter than they should have been. He was carrying a large club with nails sticking out of the end. Lerick started back with fright. The oversized man raised his club to strike at Lerick and brought it smashing down at him. Lerick had just enough time to jump out of the way and grab the sword he was working on. The sword was still red hot and burned his hand severely. He let out a cry of pain before running the sword straight through the heart of the aggressive intruder. The huge menace just dropped his jaw in astonishment before crumbling to the floor. His eyes turned a normal blue color and he seemed to shrink and retake the shape he was supposed to be. Lerick’s eyes widened with shock and he noticed the man mouthing something.

“Thank you.” whispered the raspy voice, almost inaudibly. He was struggling to tell Lerick something else.

“Who are you?” said Lerick still stunned.

“Find the celestial orb! It will show you how to save the Four Lands.” The man looked pleadingly into Lerick’s eyes. That stare would haunt Lerick’s thoughts for years to come. The man gave one final wheeze and then he went to meet the Eternal Judge. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell prostrate on the ground as his body went limp and lifeless.

He couldn’t believe what had just happened, in the middle of the day in a crowded section of town. What would someone think if they saw that body? A thousand thoughts raced through Lerick’s mind as he began to panic. He moved the body into a corner out of sight. He then packed up all of his things. He took as many tools as he could with him as he ran home. He was thankful that Krill was already off his guard shift. The less people that knew him and saw him run home, the better. The last thing Lerick needed was a suspicious neighbor.

He slowed down to a brisk walk as he passed through the gate. He arrived at his house a few minutes later. He closed the door and locked it and began to pack. Lerick packed a few days worth of food, an extra change of clothes, the tools from his workshop, and all his money. He put the pack on his back and went to put it on his horse named Girl. He was at the front door when he opened it and to his surprise there was a small woman standing there.

“What do you want?” he stuttered.

“You have released a man from his tortured life. He was cursed not only with a disfigurement, but also cursed with the knowledge that is forbidden by those who wish to rule the Four Lands.” She explained. “What did he say to you before he died?” she questioned.

“Who are you?” asked Lerick, still stunned and frightened.

“Who I am is inconsequential. What matters is what you were told by Gural.” She replied impatiently. The woman pushed by him and sat down at his table. “You could be polite and offer me some refreshment.”

Lerick didn’t know what to say but he went into his kitchen to make some tea. He took a couple of loaves of Sweet Bread out of the cubbard and placed it on a plate along with a knife.

[ December 09, 2002, 02:19: Message edited by: Lerick ]

 

will somebody please read this? it shouldnt take up too much of your time

 

Have you considered putting spaces between the paragraphs? It's easier on the eyes that way.

 

Well, not bad. A few things I noticed:

Avoid using 'exclaimed', 'yelled', 'rasped' every time one of your characters says something. They are in there for effect, use them sparingly, he said she said is good enough for most things. Even omit he said/she said whenever possible, put them in a conversation to identify who is speaking every once in a while to avoid confusing the reader.

Your earlier sentences seem short and choppy. Short sentences are not a bad thing, just spread them between a longer sentence or two. This gets better further into the short piece.

Another thing which gets better the further you read is that in the first paragraph you only use He. He opens the door, he walks out, he goes to his house, he hammers on the anvil. Switch back and forth between he and Lerick. Lerick walked to the fountain, he took a long refreshing drink. Lerick wiped his mouth and walked on down the street.

“Thank you.” whispered the raspy voice, almost inaudibly.

This sentence is redundant, when you say whispered we know its almost inaudible.

You have good imagery and are a solid writer though, with some work I think you can develop into a great writer.

 

I have another book I am writing and already have about 100 pages in it. Its just a matter of copying it from the notebook to my pc. as soon as I finish my exams i will try and get alot of it down on MS Word and post it here. It is titled "Goldenwing" I will make it a seperate post so as not to take up too much room. I should have at least 5 pages worth posted by next monday.
I hope you will enjoy it, and of course, pleasde give me construtive critism. Thanks for giving me some already. I will take it to heart and apply it as soon as possible.

 

Wow. Pretty good and interesting storyline there. I'd agree that the story's grammar is slightly clumsy, but seeing how this is not supposed to be a novel or anything, it doesn't exactly matter. This is hooking - you have to go on.

 

I am about to start my final exams so it will have to wait about a week to post anymore. and it actually is supposed to be a novel. I know I need to correct a lot of grammar. I was just seeing how interesting people thought it might be. I am hoping that I can publish it one day, most likely after I finish college. I don't really care whether I make much money or not. I just want people to read my work.

[ December 09, 2002, 03:16: Message edited by: Lerick ]

 

The sentence structure starts out a little choppy, but you have a fine ear for wordplay and an extremely well-placed imagination. Definitly keep it up.

[ December 09, 2002, 23:57: Message edited by: dragonjewel13 ]

 

I believe I may have enough time to add some more of this story tomorrow. It depends on if I finish this communist English paper tonight. Well we shall have to see.