Two "moral dilemmas" of a sort

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Now I don't know for certain if this belongs here in AoDA but it's the best fit that I can think of, anyway, I've recently encountered 2 dilemmas of a personal nature which I'm asking for advice on:

1: The first dilemma arose a couple of months ago at first. My sister works in childcare, one of her co-workers and her girlfriend are desiring of children. Now, they asked some of the males they knew if any of them would be willing to donate a sperm sample they could use in the hopes of falling pregnant but all said an immediate 'no', at which point they asked my sister to ask me. I've been given the run-down on what they do and don't expect of me - which I can detail if anyone's curious. I'm asking for advice now because I'm very close to saying 'yes' but would like to know the thoughts of 'outsiders' if anyone here would care to help

2: I recently had a blood test done at the request of a recent lover who suffered a bout of some kind of infection which caused her mother to go feral on me and call me all sorts of names. Now that I've cleared myself with the tests I would like to demand an apology but not feel I then have to be civil to her. Does that make me look bad?

 

Do not donate sperm to some women you dont know. It would be your child and of course you have no legal recourse that i know of to protect yourself from paternity claims at a later stage. Keep well away from such things. If they want a child they should go to a sperm bank or get it done properly. You really really dont want to have a child running around somewhere that you dont get to know or raise but that can whenever pop up and demand half of your stuff.

As for the second one, I dont care.

 

1. As Joacqin mentioned you need to find out what the laws in your area are about child support in this situation. I don't think I would want to do it if I was going to be in close proximity to the situation and if your sister knows them, then that would be too close for me. Lastly, are you going to be compensated and if so, does the money make sense and how badly do you need it?

2. Justice is best served cold. However, in my experience nobody every truly gets justice. I would give your ex-lover the results she asked for and then move on content that you have the moral high ground.

3. Your true dilemma is that you are a randy son of a bitch and need to stop screwing everything that sits to pee and stop thinking about sex all the time

 

The first one I would indeed stay out of. I would not donate even to a sperm bank these days. They are modifying laws around here to give the child the legal right to find his/her biological parents. While that might not be the case there yet, it might be some time in the future. I don't really know about you but I certainly don't want the scenario of some sperm donation I've long since forgotten to come look for me afterwards.

The child support problem is of course also there but I would imagine that there is some sort of legal system to make yourself a sperm donor instead of a father but I wouldn't know if it works when you know the woman. I mean if you donate to a sperm bank you most certainly aren't in that kind of trouble.

As for the second problem it's up to how you feel really. If you feel hurt/insulted enough you could allways just send those papers to her mother to make a point and then just stop having anything to do with her. Personally I would not bother demanding apologies in a situation where it's not going to change the relationship to one way or the other. Demanding an apology sort of requires you to forgive when getting it.

@Snook

 

#1: Aldazar, it would be your child. No matter the way they obtained the sperm from you and made the woman pregnant, the child would still come from your body. It would be a part of you and a part of that woman. As joacqin says, you'd have little to no recourse against paternity suits, but what's more worrying is that you could be severely limited in your ability to make decisions concerning that child. You love your first son very much, would you like another child to be somewhere you don't know where and live a life you know nothing about?

#2: Leave that alone. The woman and her mother. Forgive and forget.

 

Aldazar:
1: If you can find a way to satisfactoraly protect yourself from paternaty suits (though the kid finding you later on is another issue) and so long as the 'donation' process is one you're all emotionally comfortable with, it's really up to you. I would not feel wierd if a good friend of mine asked that of me, but I can understand how others may.

2: If you plan to still be around them, like you have mutual friends you want to keep, you run into her at the grocery store, etc. you should give them the results of the test to justify yourself. Ask for an apology if you want, but you should be expected to forgive if you get one. If you get one you didn't ask for, forgiveness is optional, but suggested. If you are never likely to see them again, give them the test results, just to clear your name, and leave it at that.

All in all, though, I think I agree with TGS that your main problem is you need to exercise more discression in your love life.

 

1: Run away.

2: Run away. She'll never apologize; it's quite likely she focused her anger on you -- she's really angry at her daughter. Wanting justice is not bad, forcing the issue down her throat will not improve your image.

 

1: Stay far far away. This one is a nightmare waiting to happen. I myself would want to be at least a tangential(sp?) part of the child's life if I were to make a child.

2: Send the mother an e-mail something like this:

Dear Mrs. IgnorantSlut:

You are obviously a judgemental cow who speaks before she thinks. In fact, it looks like you never think. As you can see from the attached tests (though you may need to get someone with half a brain to read them to you) I am not the one who gave your daughter whatever disease she had. I'd demand an apology, but useless pieces of **** like you aren't usually civilized enough to give one, so I won't waste the effort. Hopefully this experience will teach you to think before opening your stupid mouth, but I'm not holding my breath.

/end rant

I realize that as a Christian I should forgive and forget as several people here mentioned, but people like that who just shoot off their mouths deserve as good as they get. I acknowledge publicly that I am going to hell for thinking this way.

 

@Aldazar:

1. I'd say it's up to you. If you trust the people not to pull something like a suit on you, you're willing to help, and you feel comfortable about the whole situation (being, genetically at least, a parent), go for it. I personally think being a parent is much more psychological than genetical... Then again, I haven't been one, so I don't know. When it's all said and done, I'd say helping two people who want a child is a good thing, and worth doing - money or no. As others have said, just check how the laws stand, maybe (if you're feeling paranoid) make some sort of contract that you're not liable for anything, that kind of thing. I just wonder - why haven't the two applied at a sperm bank?

2. Send the lady the results - if you haven't already - and tell her to inform her mother. If the mother apologizes, good. If not, you don't want to do anything with her - chances are you won't get an apology and will just lose your time and nerves in the process.

 

1: I'm asking, not telling; is there a way to create some sort of legally binding contract prohibiting her from seeking child support or the like?

 

1) Hell no. You can't identify every eventuality connected with such a decision. Why render yourself vulnerable when the couple in question certainly have other means by which they can become parents?

2) Why? What would you really gain? An apology from the mother would probably not be nearly as fulfilling as you imagine. You will get no apology from her anyway...I suspect she is angry with you for endangering her daughter's health with a possible STD because of sexual indiscretion on your part - a clean bill of health won't alleviate her anger. Her mother's wrath was doubled since you probably took the brunt of the anger she harbored because of her daughter's irresponsible behavior.

 

1) Sperm donors can't be sued for paternity if everything is done through the system. If you are donating sperm to a repository which then gives the sperm to someone else, there will be a record of that.....and, whether you know her or not, the recipient will not be allowed to sue for paternity. If they are asking you to fill a turkey baster, though, you better run like hell.

2) I doubt you'll need to demand anything. She's probably embarrassed enough already. A simple "I think you owe me an apology" should suffice, don't you think?

 

1: As far as possible future demands from the women insofar as child support is concerned, I've been assured that they will ask nothing of me whatsoever with regards to supporting the child, I will in no way be a direct part of the child's life until he or she is old enough to ask and understand the situation, though they will keep me updated on major events and other such important information (eg school, medical situations, photos) and I will possibly get to know that child as 'extended' family. That's of course IF a child even eventuated. As for knowing them and seeing them often, that's highly unlikely as they live a few hundred kilometres south. Also, I have been seriously considering putting to them that I want a legally-binding agreement that no child support matters whatsoever will be pursued on their part IF I even do say yes.

2: Yes, I know I'm a randy little bugger, and I'm not even going to try to defend it but what really ticked me off about the mother's reaction was that her duaghter was the one who had the infection while I had no signs at all of anything infectious and the doctor at the time even said that there was the possibility that it was just something dormant in her system and not necessarily an indication of anything unclean on my part. As for not having anything further to do with either the mother or the girl, I hardly see them anyway but I find myself caring about this girl quite a bit.

And thank you for your opinions so far, I've got more to think about now and of course I welcome any further input

edit - as for why the women don't just go through the system, my understanding is that they can't afford the thousands of dollars it will apparently cost them

 

1: No chance in hell. Well, maybe two, but considering the relationship, I'm not holding my breath :wink:

Seriously, If I were to take part in the creation of life, I'd want to be involved in the child's life, and from what they seem to be asking, that's not likely...

2: I would ask, and if the mother is still a witch about it and the daughter takes her side, then your options are forgive and forget or flip and flee..

 

Hmmh... I'm not sure there are such legally binding agreements. Sure, I'm no law expert, but at least here you have to financially support the mother, thus indirectly supporting your child, even if you want no part of it. No exceptions, other than being too poor to pay.

 

Of course they would make such promises, how much they are worth when they have split up and one of them is stuck with a kid they cant support is a whole other issue. It sounds to me like it would be an unofficial thing and from what little i know of you I think they have basically offered you to have sex with one of them and then you would have no protection whatsoever. No sex could be worth that, not even if they both agreed to jump into the sack with you at once.

 

1. It's rather flattering, don't you think, for two strangers to find your genes so appealing as to be willing to propogate them. If you can make yourself comfortable with the situation (legally and morally) AND you won't mind in the future knowing that you have genetic progeny out there somewhere, why not?

2. What is the lover to you - a fling, or someone you would consider making a life with? If you want this girl to be part of your life in any way at all, DO NOT do anything whatsoever to alienate her mother, or try to come between them.

 

#2: Most likely the disease is congenital, and the mother, being the donater of the dreaded "fetid vagiga" gene, was experiencing acute dementia (due to a build-up of toxic FV particles). Making matters even worse, I'm sure you continued to be offended even after the mother had left the room, and only once a stiff breeze graced the enclosed area could you finally begin to think rationally.

Considering the stressful nature of your dilemma, I think we can kill two birds with one stone: breathing exercises.

 

#1: My first instinct is to advise against it. The only way to protect yourself against future paternity suits is to go through is to go through the medical system, with its' related costs, which you have indicated the women cannot afford. In the US at least, even documents stating that they wish you to be held free from responsibility will get thrown out in court. I don't know how other countries handle it.

#2: leave well enough alone unless they expect some sort of compensation from you for her illness. Even hard proof is not likely to sway mom's opinion, and will likely continue to cause you headaches.