Under New Management (Jareg)

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Ok i've taken a break from the main Jareg stories to work a little on some of my other stories (the sofa story, and the 'young jareg' stories). The Young Jareg stories are set before Luck's Goodwill (and Careless but not Heartless, both of which are in creativity surge) and tell some of Jareg's background.

[Edited away due to my intent to submit a rewrite to various magazines (which almost unwaveringly wish for pieces to be unavailable elsewhere). If anyone wishes to read/re-read this piece then email/pm me and I will gladly send it.]

[ July 02, 2004, 20:15: Message edited by: Lazy Bonzo ]

 

(This excellent!)

(My favorite part so far was this.....)

Now where shall I start? The beginning I suppose, I guess you’re new around here? There’s some stuff you really ought to know. In this city there are ‘sections’, if such a word can apply. There are sometimes power struggles, there’s a law of sorts in about a quarter of the city, but the rest it’s gang land, it’s been that way for years and it ain’t gonna change no time soon. Most of the time though it’s pretty stable; round here anyway, over the other side of the town you can always hear the fighting.

(I thought it created a familiar touch to it, gave the reader a bar where every one knows your name kind of thing) KEEP UP THE GOODWORK

 

I could see the noen sign in the misty evening darkness, I could hear the sound of saxafone playing the blues in the night air, and the narrator's New Orlean's style drawl, but;

The first paragraph sounds like someone trying to show-off, which the narrator/(informer)shouldn't be trying to do, in fact IMHO you should keep the narrator out of the action altogether.

Some sense of the narrator inviting/leading the reader into the bar should have appeared after the second paragraph.

The last paragraphs switch from narration to direct action, which is confusing, and again the narrator should not have been involved, (IMHO it would have been better if the narrator had of relayed the story if he had been just watching from the shadows).

I can't remember the name of the fifties detective who used to have Maltese Falcon style mental monologues (Spillane?) but that is the feel I get from this piece without it being explicitly stated, and I think that is its strongest feature.

 

Thanks for the replies and comments. I have changed the first part into two parts/chapters so as to get the grammatical coninuity (changing from narration to direct action - thanks Bluin), as well as some basic tidying up.

The third chapter/part is in work (I have had only about 2 minutes to actually work on it) and here is the first sentence from it *drum roll* ...

Yep it's back to the narration. Ok I should get this chapter done in the next couple of days, depends how much free time I've got.

Enjoy.

 

uhm, in the real world, My name is Kris. You know what really peaks the interest. It is seeing your own name in a story.

 

Very cool. I really like the character of the narrator.

 

Ok the third chapter is done! Chapter four I am working on at the moment. There are also some (small) changes to the previous chapters - the largest being the opening paragraph.

@Nobleman, lol a remarkable coincidence, you don't have a relative called Jareg do you ? For that would be truly freaky.

[Edited away (see first post for explanation)]

[ July 02, 2004, 20:17: Message edited by: Lazy Bonzo ]

 

Yumm! I can't wait!

 

Brilliant, utterly brilliant.

 

Fun stuff, and well-written to boot. Do keep it coming!

 

Ok this is Chapter four (unfinished at the moment). Thanks for all the positive comments btw

[Edited away (see first post for explanation)]

[ July 02, 2004, 20:19: Message edited by: Lazy Bonzo ]

 

Chapter 5 and 6 done

[Edited away (see first post for explanation)]

[ July 02, 2004, 20:19: Message edited by: Lazy Bonzo ]

 

That was really good

 

can't wait for the next chapter. How many Jareg stories are you thinking of doing?

 

Aikanaro, of the main stories there are 3 that I intend with Jareg as the main character. The young Jareg ones I haven't decided as yet.

[Edited away (see first post for explanation)]

[ July 02, 2004, 20:17: Message edited by: Lazy Bonzo ]