WCW Meeting (very funny)

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WCW Meeting

(Scene: WWF Headquarters, Stamford, CT. A WCW development meeting takes place in a large... room. You know, so everyone can fit... Several signed WCW wrestlers sit in, along with WWF chairman Vince McMahon, head of talent relations, Jim Ross, Shane McMahon, Paul Heyman, and others.)

Vince McMahon: Welcome, gentlemen... and ladies. Welcome. Well, once again, the task at hand is to further develop our newest venture, World Championship Wrestling. As of now, we have signed a good part of our talent, most of which are in attendance here today. We were in the process of working out a television deal with... (rolls eyes)... The "National" Network, TNN, but unfortunately, we were unable to come up with a mutual compromise.


******* (Flashback to Vince McMahon meeting with TNN officials)

Vince: Well, as I'm sure you're aware, your ratings have increased to a respectable number with World Wrestling Federation programming airing on your network. I'm sure that with another two hour time slot for our newest venture, World Championship Wrestling, your network's ratings will increase even further.

TNN: Uhhh, lemme think... no.

******* (Back to present time)


Vince: So, at least for the time being, it appears that we'll simply air WCW matches on WWF programming. At least until we can secure a time slot for WCW. But all that aside for now, let's commence the meeting, shall we?

Jim Ross: Alright, Vince. I think we should begin with our writer/booker situation.

Vince: Right. We'll need a few new writers, surely. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Paul Heyman: Well, Vince, personally, I think I have a sure-fire idea that'll be both easy on our staff, budget, and will provide for some great TV. Now, we first -

(phone rings)

Vince (ignoring Heyman): Stop, shut up. Hang on, phone.

Vince (picks up phone): Hello?

Vince Russo (on other line): Hey, Vince. Vince, I had a great idea. Vince, I was thinking to myself the other day, Vince. I said to myself... "Vince, how can -"

(McMahon hangs up)

Vince: So, JR, what were you saying?

Heyman: Actually, I was-

Vince: I have a great idea. Shane. You think you can handle the booking?

Shane McMahon: Oh, no doubt, pops.

Vince: Great. So that's settled. Next.

Heyman: ...


JR: I think we should move on to meeting our talent.

Vince: Great idea, JR. Oh, speaking of that, by the way, I need you to find some dirt on these wrestlers. I really don't want them around here anymore. (Hands JR a list that reads: Chyna, Grandmaster Sexay, Essa Rios, X-Pac)

JR: ... Uh, well, two of them are already basically -

Vince: Great! (evil laugh) Anyway, shall we continue?

JR: Now, I have to admit that most of these wrestlers we have signed have not lived up to my expectations at all. But I'm confident that with a little coaching and planning, we will be very successful with WCW despite the inferiority of the roster.

Vince: Ha ha! How does that sound, fellas?!

WCW Wrestlers: (yeah) (ok) (yeah, alright)


JR: So, let's begin. First we have Kaz Hayashi and his tag team partner, I think, Yang.

Vince: Okay. (reading paper) Kaz... Hishi? Am I pronouncing that right?

Kaz Hayashi: (begins to open mouth)

Heyman (behind Vince's back): (shakes head furiously and makes several cut throat gestures)

Kaz: (nods to McMahon)

Vince: Lovely. And your partner here, Yang, is it?

Yang: (nods)

Vince: Well, I take it you two are Japanese. And I also take it you don't speak english very well.

Kaz + Yang: (nod)

Vince: Oh, well... we'll just skip you two gentlemen for now. (laughs)

JR: (laughs)


Vince: Now, Mike Awesome. Ah, yes, spectacular. I take it you're over 6'5?

Awesome: Yeah.

Vince: Alright! Now, that's what I like to hear! Ha ha!

Awesome: (smiles)

Vince: "Awesome" ... nice name you got there. Might need a little "tweaking", but it's... nice.

Jim Ross: (whispers something into Vince's ear)

Vince: ... oh. Well, that's just "spectacular". Another "former ECW champion."

Awesome: Yeah.

Vince: "Yeah"? That's your response?! That's your response, damnit?! Oh, we'll take real good care of you! Won't we, JR?!

JR: You're darn right.

Vince: (evil laugh)

Awesome: WTF?


Vince: Hey, speaking of ECW champions... Paul, how would you like to bring the ECW title back to life?

Paul Heyman: (suspiciously) Uh...

Vince: Well, I've got a great idea. How about we make it the WCW... Hardcore title.

Heyman: ... I don't know.

Vince: (begins to get angry) Hey. Do NOT... make me angry. Okay, Paul? I OWN you. I OWN you and I own wrestling, damnit!

Heyman: Vince...

JR: You heard him, King.

Heyman: Whatever.

Vince: Ok, so it's settled. The ECW title shall be resurrected. Ha ha. ... Well? How about you bring it in? Call in your "boy" Rhyno and hand over the title.

Heyman: Uh, he doesn't go carrying it around.

Vince (bends over in chair towards Heyman, and points finger in his face): YOU HEARD ME, HEYMAN.

Heyman: Vince, listen... He does not have the f... Ugh, forget it. Hey, JR, why don't you call in Rhyno? You're head of talent relations, aren't you?

Ross: Hey, King, it's your title, OK? ... (thinks) ... Actually, whatever. Tazz! Tazz! Get in here.


(Tazz walks in)

Tazz: Hey, JR, what's goin' on?

Ross: Go get Rhyno.

Tazz: No problemo. (leaves room)

Heyman: (shakes head in pity)

(Tazz re-enters with Rhyno)

Vince: So, Rhyno, Paul needs you to hand over the ECW title.

Rhyno: I don't have it.

Vince (eyes wide): What?

Rhyno: Tommy has it. Tommy Dreamer. I don't have it with me. I don't own it.

Vince: ... right... well, anyway, when you get it back from this Timmy Dreamer character, bring it in and we can have you smash it, Paul.

Heyman: What?

Vince: It's a HARDCORE TITLE. It needs to be smashed.

Heyman: (shocked/confused/disgusted look)

(A brief silence is broken by Tazz)


Tazz: So... what's goin' on with everybody? This WCW thing comin' along well?

(Vince and JR look at each other, ignoring Tazz)

JR: Tazz, go home.

Tazz: Ok... so I'm gonna drive there? Can I have a limo?

Vince: (laughs)

JR: (laughs) Tazz, I said go home. Limos don't drive people to WWF New York.

Vince: (laughs harder)

Tazz: Yes they do, JR! All our guests on Heat get them! Every week!

JR: Yes, Tazz. Those are only for the special guests on Heat.

Tazz: Ok, fine, I'll go, but can I sleep on the couch this time? The hay stack is too rough.

JR: No.

Tazz: Why not?! Nobody ever uses the couch! It's right in the back!

JR: TAZZ, we made room in the back of WWF New York just for you and we expect you to USE IT.

Tazz: Oh man, JR! This is bullshit!

(JR and Vince glance at each other, shocked)

Vince: What did you just say? What the hell did you just say?! Huh?! Huh, you sonofabitch! Get out! GET OUT NOW!

(Tazz walks out of the room)

Michael Cole (outside the room, not visible): Oh, hey, Tazz. What's up?

(seconds later, a loud crash is heard, followed by Michael Cole screaming)


Vince: OK, so shall we continue?

JR: Yeah, now, let's see...

(Suddenly, Rob Van Dam comes into the room, eyes half closed)

RVD: Uh... hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I was driving... a little slow. Didn't want... to get into any accidents... or anything... y'know? (laughs)

Vince (to JR): May I ask what he's doing here?

JR: Uh, yeah, I've been meaning to tell you, Vince... We signed him.

Vince: WHAT?

JR: Well, yeah, pretty much everyone in the back agreed that he would be good for WCW.

Vince: Ohhh, no. No, no. He is not being used. That son of a bitch.

RVD: Look, buddy, I'm Rob Van Dam, OK? ... Do you know who I am? (points thumbs to himself) I'm Rob... Van... Dam... The whole... f'n... sho... whole... f'n... (tries to fight back laughter)... I'm the whole... Oh man, I can't... I can't do this. (bursts out into laughter)

Vince: Uh, what exactly is so funny?

RVD: (tries to talk, but can't due to laughter. Finally, he regroups himself.) Oh man, haha, sorry. Ah, man, I'm not feeling too well right now, haha. (walks towards the door) I'll see you guys later. (leaves)


(After a brief pause, the meeting continues.

JR: OK, next, we have Stacy Keibler, who actually had a very successful debut a couple of weeks ago on Smackdown.

Stacy: Hi.

Vince (smiles): Hi, how are you doing?

Stacy: Great, how are you doing?

Vince: Actually, I'm getting a bit of a headache over here. (Puts hand to his head)

Stacy: Oh, sorry to hear that.

Vince: Hey! Don't talk to me! Ugh, my head.

JR: You OK, Vince?

Vince (rubbing temples): Yeah, continue!

Stacy: Are you sure you're OK?

Vince: YES! Listen, you've been here for only a few weeks and already you're giving me a headache!

Stacy: (confused)

Vince: JR, get her out of here now!

Stacy: Wha... I...

JR: You heard him. Get out.

Stacy: But...

JR: GET OUT NOW.

(Stacy walks out of the room with a confused and frightened look on her face)


JR: Alright, next we have Torrie Wilson.

Torrie: (hesitant) ... hi.

Vince: (smiling) Hi there.

Torrie: (smiles) ... hi.

Vince: Alright, haha.


JR: Next we have, DDP, Diamond Dallas Page, who's already started working an angle with the Undertaker.

Vince: (Staring at Torrie Wilson with a smile across his face)

JR: Vince?

Vince: Huh? Oh... Yeah, the "stalker." The man who got all the credit for my voice overs.

DDP: (eyes wander around the room) ...

Vince: Just kidding! Haha. Well, so far, we think your angle with the Undertaker is coming off okay, but we may need to update your character and wrestling skills to be a little more 2001, if you know what I mean.

DDP: Huh? Listen, bro, I don't need any of that. Check this out, bro. (To Chuck Palumbo) Hey, bro, shake my hand. (extends hand)

Palumbo: Uh...

DDP: Shake my hand, bro, come on. I won't do anything to ya.

Palumbo: Uh... (shakes DDP's hand)

(DDP kicks Palumbo in the stomach, then gives him a Diamond Cutter)

DDP: BANG!

Vince: OK.

JR: ... next we have... well, we'll just skip Palumbo for now. Next, we have his partner, Sean O'Haire.


O'Haire: Hey.

JR: Wait a minute, son. There's a chance you might need to lose the sinister goatee.

O'Haire: Uh, ok, no problem, I guess.

JR: Yeah, it makes you look a little too much like Stone Cold Steve Austin.

O'Haire: Huh? Austin?

Vince: Oh, I agree.

Heyman: What the f***? How does he look ANYTHING like Stone Cold Steve Austin? Austin is BALD. Austin is shorter, Austin has a completely different look! What the hell?! Can you please explain this one to me?!

JR: He has a goatee, OK? Steve also has a goatee. So, for that reason, they are SIMILAR, OK, KING?

Vince: You read my mind.

Heyman: You are f***ing kidding me.

Vince: (points finger in Heyman's face) No, we are NOT, HEYMAN. So why don't you shut your mouth while we continue our meeting, OK? When you have your own promotion, you choose who looks like who and who doesn't, you got that?

Heyman: Michael Cole has a goatee. Does he look too much like Stone Cold Steve Austin?!

JR: Cole isn't a wrestler.

Heyman: (baffled look on his face) JR, I can name at least a dozen wrestlers in the back who have goatees. I tried to shut up this whole time, but seriously, this is freaking ridiculous. How about Hugh Morrus? He has a goatee too.

JR: Yeah, he's gonna have to get rid of that.

Hugh Morrus: (sarcastically) Ugh, thanks, Heyman.

Heyman: Oh, man. This is... Argh, you know what? Continue. Forget I even said anything.

JR: Thank you, King. We will continue and forget you even said anything.

Heyman's mind: I swear I'm gonna f****** kill this motherf***** one of these days. Son of a motherf****** b****.


JR: Anybody have the time?

Vince: It's about 20 after 4.

JR: Thanks. Alright, next on the list is Rob Van Dam... I'll take it he isn't going to be back, so we'll skip him for now. Next is... ugh... Booker T.

Booker T: Listen, guys, again, I can't stress how sorry I am for my messup at the PPV. I was just a little nervous to be at a WWF PPV, y'know? I already called Steve and apologized. He was cool. The sucka joked around and told me to save the drama for my mama. Haha. You know how it is.

JR: Yeah, don't worry, we understand. That's not going to be held against you. (Looks at Vince McMahon, McMahon looks back with a grin on his face)

Booker T: OK, great to hear that, fellas. I really appreciate it.


JR: Next we have Shane Helms, who...

Buff Bagwell: Hey, JR! What about Buff Daddy? Haha! What about Buff?! Come on, Buff is the stuff! Hahaha!

JR: We'll get to you, Marcus.

Buff: Hey, Buff's name isn't Marcus, OK? While Buff's in the wrestling biz, Buff will be known as Buff Bagwell... or Buff Daddy... or Buff "The Stuff" Bagwell. Or just Buff Bagwell.

JR: I said we'll get to you.

Buff: Come on, JR! I'm Buff Daddy, baby! The ladies love me, man! Check this out! (walks over to Torrie Wilson) Hey, baby, how'd you like to have a little taste of the stuff?! Haha! Ya get it?! I'm the stuff!

Torrie: Eww, get away from me. (slaps Bagwell)

(Bagwell, for whatever reason, attempts to sell the slap, but fails, falling down on his back about five seconds too late and coming off as a complete idiot)

Buff: Owww, you got me hard there! Haha!

(Everyone in the room glances at each other)


JR: Uhhh... anyway, as I was saying, next we have Shane Helms, the master of the Vertebreaker, the move everyone's been talking about lately.

Shane Helms: Thanks. (smiles)

JR: That's not a compliment. This is the World Wrestling Federation, son. You may have gotten away with that careless indy move down south, but you're gonna have to change that if you're gonna work here.

Shane Helms: Uh... OK?

JR: Yeah. Your new finishing move is a dropkick.

Shane Helms: Dropkick? Is it at least a top rope missle dropkick or something?

JR: No. A dropkick.

Shane Helms: (looks around the room almost in shock)

JR: Oh yeah, your name won't cut it here either.

Shane Helms: Huh?

JR: We already have a Shane in the WWF. And it's not you.

Shane Helms: You mean Shane McMahon?

JR: Your new name is... Gregory.

Shane Helms: Uhh... okay, I guess.

JR: Yeah, you're probably gonna have to change your last name too. Don't want people confusing you with Stephanie McMahon-HELMSley.

Shane Helms: ...


JR: Next is Lance Storm. What's your finishing move, by the way?

Lance Storm: It's called the Canadian Maple Leaf. Basically, it's a rolling half crab submission hold. Seems to pump the crowd up.

JR: Hmmm, well, Chris Jericho uses a variation of the Boston Crab as his finisher, so you might need to lose that Toronto Leaf finisher.

Heyman: Canadian Maple Leaf. That's what it's called, Ross.

Lance Storm: OK, JR, I understand where you're coming from and I'm willing to change it.

JR: You'd better be.

Lance Storm: I am.


Vince: Shut up. Hey, where's Shane?

Shane: (standing next to Vince) Right here, pops.

Vince: Oh, ok... you know what? This really is getting a bit boring and is a lot harder than I expected. We already bought WCW. We won the war. We bought out the competition! I killed Turner and now I own wrestling! Is there really anything else to prove? So, I say, why don't we just forget about WCW and not waste my money on them? Huh? What do you guys say?

Shane: Pops, come on, you promised I could run it.

Vince: Yes, Shane, I know I promised, but...

Shane: Oh, man, pops, this really sucks. Don't do this. I own WCW anyway, remember?

Vince: Shane, don't play these stupid games with me. That was a part of an angle and you know it.

Shane: No, I signed the contract giving me ownership of WCW, remember?

Vince: That was a fake contract just for the sake of the angle.

Shane: No, whatever, it was a contract and I signed it, so I own WCW and it's continuing.


(The argument is interrupted by the door opening. Shawn Michaels and Scott Hall enter together. The entire room stares at them.)

HBK: Well, what the hell's everybody lookin' at?

Hall: (hangs over HBK's shoulder and laughs)

Shane: Hey, H-B-K, my man! And Scotty! What's cookin, baby?! Yeah! (Shane gives pounds to HBK and Hall)

Vince: Uhh, what are they doing here?

Shane: Oh, don't worry, pops. I invited them over here.

Hall: (slowly) Yeah, but it's not like we needed an invitation. Hey Vince... you looking for an invasion? ... Well... you got a war. (laughs)

HBK: (laughs) Hey! Do the line, man! Do it!

Hall: (laughs) No, not right now. (laughs)

HBK: Come on! Do it!

Hall: (laughs) OK, OK... (brief pause) ... (Hall begins to open his mouth, but stops. This is repeated for another 15 seconds or so) ... Hey yo.

HBK: (cracks up) ... Oh, hey, JR? Is that you over there?

(JR attempts to hide under a desk)

HBK: Come on, JR. We're just here for WCW. We really want to help. (looks at Hall and they both laugh together)

JR: Guys, get out of here, leave me alone. Vince, make them leave.

Vince: Yeah, come on, guys. You better get out of here.

HBK: Hey, Vince, calm down, buddy. Not like we need your crap anyway. I'm getting paid for doing nothing, ha!

Hall: (laughs) That's true. Same with me. Except I'm not being paid.

(Shawn Michaels and Scott Hall walk up to Jim Ross)

HBK: Look, JR, I really want to apologize to you. I mean, sorry for the way I acted last time. My ego just got the best of me and basically... I just wanted to give you this...

(HBK shoves JR. JR falls back and trips over Scott Hall, who had been bent over behind him)

HBK: HAHA, did you just friggin' see that?!

Hall: (slowly) Oh, man... that was good. (high fives HBK)

McMahon: (fighting back laughter) OK, guys, get out of here. That's enough of this.

HBK: Alright, we're leaving, we're leaving.

Hall: (on his way out) Oh, hey, Heyman.

Heyman: (arms crossed, but acknowledges Hall) Yeah.

Shane: I'll give you guys a call.

HBK: Uhh... how about you don't? (HBK and Hall laugh as they exit the room and slam the door behind them)


Vince: OK, that's enough. I've had enough WCW for one day. We'll continue this meeting another day... or not... probably not.

Shane: What about the announce team?

Vince: I don't care. Just get that bald guy and the other old guy. What's his name? Arn Anderson.

Shane: Uhhhh, why Arn Anderson?

Vince: Honestly, Shane, do you think I give a crap?

Shane: What about Jerry Lawler?

Vince: No.

(Everyone looks towards Jim Ross, but he is still on the floor, unable to speak)


Vince: Anyway, that's it for today, everybody. So, everybody get out. To the wrestlers who I didn't get to... sucks for you. By the way, Bagwell, you're fired... You too. (points to Yang)

(Everyone gets up and walks out of the room. On his way out, Paul Heyman kicks Jim Ross in the stomach.)

 

Oh lord, that's funnier than even some of the better Bruce Mitchell columns in the Pro Wrestling Torch. Good Lord, I haven't laughed that hard in a while *wipes tears from his eyes* Wow, that's great, good enough to copy and print out for my brother. OK, I'm though now....*snickers* LOL

 

Lol!

:d
:d
:d

 

LOL that is the funniest bit ive seen about wrestling in my entire life

 

thank you, thank you.

 

I hereby award Gash's Post the "longest post ever" award.
Congratulations, sir!

 

Am I missing something?

I read that through, and I didn't laugh once, it was all just basic slapstick humour that doesn't work for me, I thought it a little stupid also, the way conversations were structured was also a little basic...

 

Yer can't please everyone, Sep.

 

That is one big post bud, funny too. Yep I'm back, and i notice you've got a new name. Hope yer still having fun Hooligan .

 

F***ING HELL!!!

Alright man how's things???

hey my email adress has changed:

tafka_gash@hotmail.com

let's talk!