What gives hurts in relationships?

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Recently, I've thinking and talking about relationships a lot, and topic came to what are the things that can make a relationship 'hurt', not always due to a partner not meaning well, but those things that just make you wish 'things were different'.

I wondered what this'd be for you people, for me it'd be not feeling 'cared for', I need a lot of affection, to not only *be* loved but *feel* loved... Well, you get the idea.

So, what's your thoughts/feelings to this?

 

It's probably going to be long, but I'll try to keep things spaced out well.

Trust. I need to be able to trust and to be trusted. I can bear with limited trust, so long as I am not accused of things I haven't done. But when something hurts my trust, it hurts me. All broken promises fall here. Wounds from cheating are incurable, even if it's "just" French-kissing and "not even" sex. Everyone has to fight tempation, but real things don't happen without help.

Respect. I don't require any special reverence, but being openly disrespected hurts me. Breaking promises, ignoring calls and messages, interrupting conversations to talk to someone for half an hour, calling off dates when I'm already there etc. My best buddy went on a date one day and she left him alone when a friend of hers phoned and wanted to go somewhere. I would let go of her after that and so he did, although it took him more time than I would take. Things like name calling or accusing of lying also hurt and bring about the end of it.

Being treated seriously, being needed. I need to be treated seriously. Flirting and sexy talk with other guys is an obvious sign that I am not needed, unless it really is joking or showing off or showing off and trying to get some compliments when she needs to be told she's attractive. It's human and it's normal with some moderation. But making or accepting advances doesn't go. When you're in a relationship, you're neither in the pool nor on the hunt.

Respecting herself. If you respect a girl, she should respect herself for you. She needs to say no when guys go too far. I remember girls who wouldn't take the effort but they are spoken of in the past tense.

[ April 30, 2005, 01:01: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

What chev said...

Plus, there are little things.
Like when you agreed on something, and the other side changes it without prior notice.
Or when the other side does not support you in a neutral situation for him or her, or when they take sides with the party you are arguing with.
Or when he or she chastises you in public.

It's them little things...

 

I really don't like being told to express my thoughts and then being cut off. I don't mean things like politics or whatnot but very personal feelings. To me this is one of the most hurtful things. It makes me feel very used.

This sort of situation seems to plague me...

 

I agree with everything previous said plus:

Another thing that kills inside is when she pretends to truly care for you, trust you, and make it so you trust her. When she lulls you into thinking that everything is going great, and then all of a sudden explodes in your face saying that things aren't great, that she doesn't actually like you, that you're coming off too strong and that she doesn't share those feelings of yours. Oh, and when she gives very subtle hints that things are going wrong, when she already said that she would tell you if something goes wrong though she doesn't actually saying a thing about it. When you suddenly realise that all your time together was a lie. That when you held her in your arms and thought that she truly cared for you, that you might have found someone to finally love, but were wrong. When you realise that your trust was completely misplaced and you don't know what to think anymore. That hurts.

 

Yeah, that does suck. In fact, against all laws of physics, it both sucks and blows. Simultaneously.

 

It all depends on what type of person you're dealing with. I've seen relationships in which the guy treated the girl like a princess, gave her everything she could ask for, but got dumped because the girl thought things became boring. Then later she got involved with a guy who treated her like crap, even beat her up from time to time, and she went on and married that one.

So what's logic in relationships ?

 

I can offer you some logic on that one, but I'll get flamed for it.

 

You were gonna tell me that women are generally stupid ?

 

I think chev was gonna say something like, that a woman wants a tough guy, because he can protect her.

 

hearing from her "i love you" and finding out it was a lie, that hurts. believing that sentence and saying it back... man, i am an idiot.

 

The most it hurts when you realise how you have hurt the other person. I wish I had died before hurting the girl I love.

 

What hurts is when you really care about a person. You care about them so much that you act and do things with them you would never do with another person. But even though you did these things they decide they dont love you anymore and that your not good enough for them as a potential lifelong mate. This is what I feel is the biggest trap you can fall into in a releationship. Doing something totally against your nature just to please someone.

 

Yes, that hurts. I have never made such a decision, but it seems I'm not good enough myself anymore just because I disagreed on something and tried to talk it out because I couldn't understand it and I wanted some explanation.

[ May 07, 2005, 06:25: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

There is another reason, but I would get flamed to hell if I posted it.

I have had ex-girlfriends end up married to abusive, alcoholic types. At the time it hurt, but that fades.

I think the most painful thing in a relationship is when your partner has given you a false impression of who she really is.

 

I need to update my answer. Lies. Lies give the biggest hurts in relationships espetially when someone insists he or she is speaking the truth when he or she is lying. When someone who keeps telling you and other people how he or she loves you turns out to have lied to you on the basics, without as much as a blink of the eye. Despite all the big talk about love, romance and lofty ideals.

 

Sometimes good feelings can be confused as 'love' early in a relationship, but become more clear later, that it was only affection etc after all. If thats the scenario, its not lies, but yes it is still just as hurtful.

 

What Chev said, basically, and I'll add my own two cents.

Trust:
You gotta have trust both ways for it to work. I've had boyfriends/lovers that I trusted and found out that they didn't share that trust. I could never wrap my mind around, 'I have to ask my hubby/wife/gf/bf.' The only times I ask my husband is if the decision will affect him - meaning a commitment from the both of us. When a friend asks, 'Kuemper, let's go to <somewhere>.' I say to my husband, 'I'm going to <somewhere> with <friend>. You need anything?/Want to come?' Having to ask to go out with a friend or go somewhere seems to show a lack of trust, or perhaps a controlling issue neither of you was aware of.

Talk:
Talk to each other. Yes, it hurts sometimes, but a little hurting now is better than letting it fester for days/months/years. I have quarterly blow-ups where *everything* and *everyone* just sticks in my craw and I have finally *HAD IT* with society. Hubby has a similar problem, which is usually sparked when I go off. We b*tch and snipe at each other over the 'little things' (toothpaste, socks on the floor, not making the bed) for a good hour, then head off to opposite ends of the apartment to cool down. Before the night's over, we can talk rationally and get our relationship smoothed out.

Here's a bit of triteness - never go to bed angry. I find it to be helpful in my first marriage, [gagging cuteness] especially since I love to get snuggly with my hubby. [/gagging cuteness]

 

As chev said, lies!
Empty meaningless words, nothing more.
And when you after some longer period of life realize that someone you are with(or was with) is lying to you then that hurts. When you look back and realize that you can't even know what was lie and what wasn't. And when you realize that you don't know who is that person. That hurts!