What would you do?

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This is a topic that has caused a major difference of opinion between myself and Mrs. Snook. This is a sad, but true story and unfortunately it involves my family.

My cousin (female) married a guy. They currently have a two year old daughter and they are expecting their second child (a son) in the not so distant future. The husband has recently been arrested for rape and is looking at some hard time. I think it is a given that she will divorce him. It is unknown what she will do in the future. I'm assuming they will move as far away from the story as possible.

The question is what would you do with the unborn child? One of us is convinced that she should put the child up for adoption. The other is convinced that the other is crazy. I will not say who thinks in which direction.

I'm primarily interested in responses from the mothers here at SP, then the dads, then the other females, and lastly the other males. If it isn't too personal, please list which category you would fall in.

I realize I probably should have made this a poll, but I didn't think of it when I started.

 

I really can't answer this question exept to say that I think either choice is quite acceptable.

In my mind the father's crimes shouldn't directly influence the decision but instead it should boil down to two questions
(1) Does she want to raise another child at this time? and
(2) Can she afford another child given that she will be a single parent with presumably no economic support from the jailbird ex?

I fall into the other male category.

 

[other male]

Although I admit that I don't (and can't) really know what I would do in that situation, I think it depends on how she sees the unborn child.

If she sees it as the child of the man she still loves, I have no doubt that she will (and should) keep it. She might be in denial about her husband, but it's her child, and she has the right to choose how it's raised.

If she sees it as her child and noone else's, then again she should keep it. I'm sure she would raise it right, even without a father, and may even try especially hard to steer it away from the dark path that its father went down.

But if she sees it as the result of an encounter with someone she only thought she knew, then she should give it up for adoption. Otherwise every time she looks at that child, she'll see its father and act hostile toward it. No child should be forced to bear such a stigma from its own family, and adoption should insure that the new parents will not even know.

All this, of course, is assuming her husband is guilty. If he is proven innocent, then assuming they get a divorce, it's a matter of custody between the two parents. From my own experience (being the child in the middle) custody battles are incredibly hard to predict, and may continue even after the final decision has been made.

 

[A Dad here]

I would say the decision depends on how you'd look back on the choice in 25 years time. You don't want to regret giving up your child and missing out on his whole life.

If it was me, I'd keep the child. I think children are so precious and special that they should only be given up if you really truly think it is in the best interests of the child.

 

[other male]

I don't see any reason why to put the child up for adoption. Whatever rational reason applicable to the incoming son also applies to the already born daughter, as she has the same father. Reasons which are not rational are best not acted upon. If I'm going to be frank, I don't understand that idea. It feels bizarre to me. I would also strongly, strongly warn against making any radical decisions with lasting results under the influence of powerful emotions. The results of putting one's own child up for adoption are far more irreversible than the state of mind in which the mother is at the moment.

As for the husband, arrested doesn't mean guilty. Are they going to get back together, after divorce, if he turns out innocent? I would wait until it shows if he has really done it.

 

To clarify- Assume guilt and a twenty year sentence.

 

What she should do is up to herself and no one else. Adoption is the correct choice if she feels that she could not take care of another child alone. Single motherhood is no piece of cake, especially when dealing with children so young.
I do however feel that she should let her emotions cool down a bit and and try to think rationally what would be the best option.

EDIT: I'd go to the "other male" cathegory.

[ August 09, 2005, 13:43: Message edited by: Morgoroth ]

 

[Mom here]

I don't know how to say this, but...but...

I agree with Chev.

/me pauses to let all readers pick themselves up from the floor

What reasons does she have for giving the child away? Purely economic considerations can be overcome, if with difficulty. The emotional wreckage that would likely result, for both mom and daughter, from giving away the child they've been happily (I presume) anticipating for the last 8.5 months could last forever. There's a difference between spending that time carrying a child that you know you'll never keep (so you minimize the emotional attachment) and carrying one who's a treasured member of the family from the moment the stick turns blue. Parenting, let alone SINGLE parenting, is hard enough without extra baggage.

Is she concerned about Dad having passed on some kind of rape-gene to his son? That's never been proven.

 

Other Male (Hey we probably make up the majority!)

Regardless of the discussions between you and your wife, what does you cousin want?
I think it is entirely your cousins decision to make, and the stance that you and your wife sholud make is to support her in whatever that decision is.
If your cousin has not made up her mind, then do some research on the options. How quickly can adopted parents be found? Could your cousin cope financially with keeping the child. What are the success rates of the local adoption groups - how well do the scan prospective adopters?
Try and offer information without offering advice - just support, as difficult as it may be.

 

This is an entirely philosophical question of "What would you do?" We have no knowledge as to what she plans to do or even if she has considered any options. She is currently under the protection of my aunt and uncle at a undisclosed location (we know where it is, but the media hasn't found them.) I have had discussions with my aunt and obviously, there is a lot of pain and suffering going on.

We have no intention of offering any advice. I will not be submitting the results of this thread to her. Whatever she does she will have the support of the family (which is very strong).

In other words, what would you do and why?

 

Judging by your last post it seems very possible that your cousin is the victim of the rape/s her husband committed. If that is the case things get more complicated. If it isnt I actually agree with Rally and chev. I see no reason to adopt that kid except purely financial ones and judging from your post things like that can be fixed.

oh and I am other male like 96% of the people here

 

No, he was raping multiple other women.

 

Other female here, and in the same camp as Rally, Chev & Joa.

 

Well, I suppose if it were my cousin, I might encourage her to keep the child. I think that given what happened to her husband, she has little to worry about when it comes to social stigma. Also, the emotional impact of knowing you have a son who doesn't even know you - or, worse, knows that you, his real mother, abandoned him - will probably be great. However, there are two issues I consider equally important - does she think she can provide for herself and both children and accept the cost (in time, nerves and effort) getting that money entails, and also if she thinks she can morally raise her son having in mind her relationship with his father.
However, given the fact that she already has one child - a daughter - the second issue shouldn't be that difficult. Both are her children and born of the same father, so she shouldn't have any more problems being a good mother to her son than to her daughter. For me, the biggest problem she will probably face will be the financial one. This is where the extended family might help, if possible. Any chance any grandparents will be able to take care of the children, Mr. Snook?

 

[married, but no kids yet]

I too, have to agree with what most people are saying. I cannot come up with any sensible reason why she would give her second child up for adoption and still keep the first one. Anything that applies to the second child appears to apply to the first as well. I could almost accept the situation easier if she was contemplating giving both of her children up for adoption, but only one? I could never do that.

 

@ Aldeth - I agree with you (and many others here evidentally) as far as the irrelevance of the parentage issue is concerned but I still stick by my two possible questions as being perfectly valid reasons as to why she might keep only the one child - a single parent with limited time and/or financial resources could very well be able to adequately take care of one but not two infant children.

I would say that giving away a two year old is suboptimal as she has already formed a connection with her family. The unborn son has not had the time to form this same level of connection so if one has to go it should be the son.

 

[Dad and expecting dad]

My sister gave a child up for adoption -- I doubt she will ever stop feeling guilty about it. So I agree with Fell, it depends on how she will feel about the whole thing (keep in mind she's giving away a daughter's brother or sister). I don't see how she could do it already having one child.

The important thing here is to fully support her in whatever she decides -- AND allow it to be HER decision.

 

As I mentioned before. This is a purely theoretical discussion. I haven't heard that she is even entertaining the thought of adoption.


The true stunner in this thread is Rally and Chev finding common ground

So far most of the arguements for adoption (not just on this board) are...

1. Economic- she was never the bread-winner and will be in for a very tough time with one child nevermind two.
2. Emotional- Will she be able to love and care for the boy if he bears a striking resemblance to the man who destroyed her life.

 

Male no children here TGS...

For your 'Economic' and 'Emotional' points further suggests that she will need all the support (whether emotional or fincancial) from her family and friends.

I really hope that she does get all the support that she needs, no matter what her choice is.

 

Well in my opinion the problem with the emotional distress is if she is too shocked by the events to take care of the new baby. I don't think that the fact that the boy would resemble his past husband to be a very valid argument. It's of course her choice and if she really finds it too difficult with the child then I suppose it's better to give the baby away for adoption than live in agony.