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Your Opinion Please

Discussion in 'Creativity Surge' started by Drogo Nevets, Nov 16, 2003.

  1. Drogo Nevets Gems: 1/31
    Latest gem: Turquoise

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    Remove all ads!
    hi could i ask for your opinion on this poem plrase?any form critisim welcome but please don't make it too mean

    Souls are the 4th dimension.
    When we have no souls,
    We are known as vampires.
    Vampires, evil personified.

    The 4th dimension is near.
    You only reach when you die.
    Join a sucide cult get close to it.
    Souls are dangerous.

    Souls will kill all they touch.
    The bible believes,
    That the body is just a vessel,
    What for? The soul of course.

    The vessel drops dead,
    And the soul is released.
    Souls only get released go back into somebody,
    Get in and kill.

    None of us have them,
    All of us want them,
    I hate them,
    You love them.

    Souls are evil,
    I hereby take an oath,
    To kill al souls,
    Why? Because I don’t like Mondays.

    I will start with my soul,
    Pick up my knife,
    Slice my chest,
    Reach in, its warm,
    Wet, sticky.

    I feel it,
    Throbbing in my chest,
    I take hold of it,
    Its hurting me,
    Its trying to stop me.


    I hold on though,
    I pull I pull hard,
    I see it for a split second,
    Its not my soul,
    Its my heart.

    What have I done?
    I will go up to join,
    The god, the goddess,
    But most importantly the summerland.


    i know its rubbish but i need to know what people think of the actual subject.I'm working on a re-write at the moment
     
    Drogo Nevets, Nov 16, 2003
    #1

  2. Lokken Gems: 26/31
    Latest gem: Diamond

     Veteran

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    generally, the 4th dimension is thought of as time. Is it for anything in particular? or are you just feeling creative? :)

    I'm a fan of the system, so in general I think there's a lot of work to be done (rhyme and rythm stuff). But that's just my perspective, I'm sure there are a lot that will think it's just fine.
     
    Lokken, Nov 16, 2003
    #2

  3. Valkyrie Gems: 7/31
    Latest gem: Tchazar

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    :eek: That's marginally scary, but still good.
     
    Valkyrie, Nov 19, 2003
    #3
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