Being a good father...

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OK, that's really the thought that I was trying to get across. I wasn't necessarily saying that being a parent precluded you from being a friend. I was more or less saying that when your dual roles come into conflict with each other, and one most be chosen over the other, more often that not the best decision will come be being a parent. Sorry if I gave the impression that the roles were mutually exclusive. I believe that you first and foremost must be a parent, and if there is still room for being a friend, then OK.

The best definition I ever heard about experience was this: "Experience is something you get right after you needed it."

 

I really have no good father-figures in my life, but I've had several bad ones. As such, I've come up with a few guidelines over the course of time:

- Be there. The worst father is the one that abandons his child for whatever reason.

- Do not be afraid to let go of your older child. There are many lessons you cannot teach and they must learn on their own. Protecting them from themselves for too long is more damaging in the long run.

- Compromise is important for older children. Take pride out of the picture and use common sense. That said, some things should never be compromised (again, use common sense).

- If you want your child to be honest with you, you must be honest with them. Be warned; it may not work but being an example is the only way to succeed.

- You are not your child's best friend. Get over it. There are times you need to be a shoulder to cry on, a person to lean on, a sounding board, a tutor, and a cheerleader. But you also need to be that wall they run up against -- continuously. Being that wall prevents you from being their friend.

- Your child is not your property.

- Your child is not a vent for your frustrations.

- Be consistent. Although there is not much agreement in psychology, there appears to be quite a large consensus on the need for children to have consistency in their lives.

- You must teach your child self-discipline and responsibility. That means you must have it, too -- which really sucks sometimes.

 

Rather than repeating the above, something else which I feel is important is to make sure you teach your children life skills.

So yes, basic cooking & cleaning skills, but also to instil a work-ethic in them - don't just hand out pocket money, have them earn it buy doing simple tasks like mowing the lawn.

 

I was musing about this topic again and remembered this poem:
Those Winter Sundays

It has always been one of my favorites and says something quite poignant about flawed but persistent and loving fatherhood.

 

I'm 22, I like to think I turned out pretty well. My parents were always fair. I may not have gotten as much money or anything as my other friends or been allowed out as late back then or go on as many trips but it never really bothered me. I think as mentioned here the most important stuff from a parent? Love, understanding, a lot of patience and support. Your kid has to know that you've got his back whatever dumb thing he does. Discipline is extremely important though, I know boatloads of people pissing away their folks' money just because they know their parents will back them up. Sad.