Got a girlfriend ? How did you do it ?!?

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Saw some nice tips here that I agree with.

Explore: You want to know what life is in a world of love? Then you'd better go there. Cause at home, all the love you see is on a dvd-movie, a book or a dream. It's not yours and it's not real.
If you want something more exotic than the love of your family, you should go somewhere. Somewhere new.
Sportclubs, workshops, poetics society, school of music, do volunteers jobs (0kay, bad idea if you're sacrificing too much time for work already...). Go get your own greens in stead of ordering pizza. (I'm still convinced I will meet a nice lady when I'm fumbling with a plastic bag at the local supermarket's check-out point.)

Smile Don't look cool, look happy.
You can go to all these places and promote your eyebrows by frowning a lot. Don't do that. Most women prefer teeth, so smile. Bag broke and beer bottles crashed to the ground? A smile will show that you're still in control. (This should be a way of life, imo)

Speak your mind, but be gentle. Think twice, indeed.

I don't fully agree with that. Take that quote too strict and you'll be really dull. Dull is not good.


And what's wrong with the foreign bars? I usually meet nice people there (depends on the bar, yes) and buying a drink is not that bad, as long as you had a nice conversation first for a while. Buying a drink is not the first thing should you do, no.

 

@Deadman, do you have any girl friends (friends who happen to be the opposite sex, not girlfriends).
I had many before I started dating (and still do), they really help you understand how to act with women.
What's 'slimy' and what's not.

 

@Trellheim. None. I find I have little to say to girls.

I believe the term "Wingmen" was mentioned earlier. I might have played this role today as I set up a relationship between a guy and girl in my college (I study part-time and work full-time). He was confident of getting her but I did him a favour in front of the girl by critising him for his faults before she came to his defence. He remained focus on helping her with something and I was continually saying he was not to be trusted, in a joking manner of course. She ended up exchanging numbers with him at the end of the conversation! At the end of it I calmed him down and made him understand that I was playing reverse psychology so she would defend him and it definitely made them closer! Just wish I could have something!

 

There is one thing you must remember about reverse psychology and generally all tricks: that they last for a limited period of time and relationships coming to life that way are worth as much as the foundation they are laid upon. Most of the time at least.

There are many points I'm inclined to agree with, but I think MoN covers it the best for me. Think twice, try not to do anything stupid, but don't pretend to be anything different from what you really are. For example, if you're stiff, there are two options: stay what you are and wait for a woman who likes stiff guys - some do, or become less stiff. Appearing less stiff doesn't solve any problems; in fact, it creates new ones. Same with whatever potentially disagreeable qualities you might have.

Wordplay's suggestions are efficient. Tapping the table will actually work. There are even more "oh come on" kind of obvious things that actually work. But even if you pull it off, you'd better not forget it would have worked for anyone with your Charisma score. Or maybe even anyone. Sometimes it's not that you're a warm knife in a piece of butter kind of Sean Connery homebrew. Sometimes it's just that the girl is easy to pick up.

T2Bruno has wise things to say and, well, I guess it's just what it is: what to do if you want to get the girl. On the other hand, do you really want to get a girl for the price of not saying things you feel need to be said? For me, it's fiat iustitia pereat mundus. What needs to be done (or said), will be done, even if I'm going to die single and I guess that adds something to one's confidence and respect from other people. Women are actually able to wear something ugly on purpose and ask you if it looks nice and dump or rebuke you for confirming, you know - abstaining from the fact it might as well be politeness talking through you.

 

Well, sorry for popping into this one late, but I'm rather itinerant...

Firstly, I find it amusing that out of three pages of advice, there was one woman who contributed!

And Daie?

This is only accurate dependent upon your definition of 'normal'.


But seriously, I'd suggest against the 'be a friend' infiltration 'tactic' as I tried it in my heyday in college and succeeded only on getting my female friends to cry on my shoulders about their boyfriends' failings...and I got the privelige of drying out my shirts while they ran back to their existing boyfriends.

You wanna know what worked for me, a happily-married man in my mid-thirties with a wedding band on my hand for just about eight years now?

Stop trying.

Seriously, I'd spent those same college years being 'set up' by my female friends, to just about no success...made a few FRIENDS outta those years, but nothing romantic at all.

Then after I'd hit about rock bottom - flunked outta college for the third time, couldn't keep a job (probably because of my lack of a 'lovelife') and sunken into a major funk because of these failings, I was about as romantically appealing as something moldy in the back of the fridge that soon will demand voting rights.

Maybe a month into this depression, I resolved to stop this "I'm such a bleep-up that no one will ever want to be with me and I'm going to die poor and alone!" drek by simply sitting back, and wondering "So what's so BAD about being alone?" I had a fair circle of platonic friends, and still had skills that would find me work...

After a time of dwelling over this and the DOWNsides to relationships (remember all those crying sessions? I'd had a front-row seat to see how BAD a relationship could be on the people in it ), I'd come out of it with a 'long-term goal' of simply being happy - living modestly on my own, socializing with the friends every now and again, and content with a relatively solitary lifestyle. As for love? Well, it's like the Police song says:

So now I was 'mended' emotionally, and I started off on a path of 'content solitude'.

...and two months later, I was seriously involved. Three months after that, I was engaged, and about two years after THAT, I was married.

And here I am now.

Looking back on it, I'd say the big thing that helped me when 'Ms.Right' came along, is STATE OF MIND.

"Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone."

In this saying there is the truth that people WANT to be happy - it's intrinsic unto us. Further, people want to be around other people that are happy; maybe it the possibility of finding out what makes the other happy and having it make one's self happy, maybe it's sharing the mood, whatever.

Hypothetical scenario: there's two solitary women at the bar, one's cheerful - smile on her face, she's humming a tune and tapping her foot to that beat. The other's morose - sobbing into tissue, leaning her elbows on the bar to support herself, head sagging as she sniffles.

Now the question is NOT "which one do you have a better shot at" so throw out any preconcieved thoughts about odds, tactics, plans and strategems.

No, the question I ask is: which woman would you prefer to BE around? Forget any conscious thought you'd developed about this situation, and look back on your first, instinctual response - which one do you emotionally WANT to be with?


Anyways, as far as I can tell, you seem somewhat DESPERATE to become involved. It's going to be just about the hardest thing ever to so, but put that out of your mind - the "I *have* to get a girlfriend!" mantra - tune it out.

This relates to the recurring "self-confidence" issue mentioned. The big thing is to RELAX, and not worry about failing...

And here's the big pill to swallow - you WILL fail. But you have to be WILLING to fail, to even TRY properly. Say to yourself "I'll chat her up, and if she shuts me out, so be it. That's fine."


As for how to succeed? That's another hurdle, but one you can't think about until you're ready to vault the first one.

For 'hitting it off' I'd have to go with a variation on the old cliché "to get a friend you have to BE a friend" - behave in the manner and adopt the traits that you're LOOKING for in a potential mate; it's true common interests will help found a relationship. If you're looking for a girl with a good sense of humor, then EXHIBIT yours (everyone has, in their own mind, a good sense of humor, but you'll never know which ladies like yours unless you show it off) for example.


*tangent*alert* - just had a thought on the 'find out from women what THEY want in a man' genre (that you're already attempting - pity about the response % tho, eh? )

Here it is:
Approach a woman you find interesting and a potential match, and then ask her, upfront, "I'm trying to get into the dating scene, and I'd really like to get a better feel for what women think about on this, and since I find you attractive, I'd like to know what you have to say on it."

Flattery, forthright honesty to the point of bluntness, an appeal for help - what's not to like?

If something takes hold, great. If not, you might just get some advice (which you're looking for, anyways.)

And best of all, even if you crash-and-burn outright (and she walks away cold), BIG WHOOP. The worst she's going to say is 'no.' Again, be ready to fail - failure is not the end of the journey, just the end of that path - to continue the analogy, backtrack to a different fork and try another.

(Mind you, I wouldn't suggest trying this gambit on every woman in a pub; it'll start to get worse and worse as you go.


Key points to remember:

+Relax - don't worry about this; people can sense stress and panic, and don't wanna be around a person like that (ergo, you bomb more when you're desperate)

+Be the sort of person you're looking for.

+Be happy and upbeat and CONFIDENT.
Him (approaches Her with a cheerful swagger): Hey! Wanna dance?
Her: No. (with utter chill in voice)
Him: Cool! See Ya! (swaggers off with no apparent loss of composure)


And so I'll close with some humor (since because I like to hang with people that are happy, I like to make people laugh) and throw out some 'pick-up lines' that might or might not work, but should at least get a few chuckles out of the readers...

-"Excuse me, but I just broke up with that woman {pointing at most beautiful woman in club/bar/etc}. Could you help me make her jealous by dancing with me?"

-"Hi. I'm a sculptor, and I'm making a composite statue of the perfect woman; would you mind coming to my studio some time and sitting in a bucket of clay for me?"

-(wingman required)"Hey there. I bet him{point at wingman} $100(or equivalent thereof) that I could chat with you for a bit and then get you to leave with me. If you help me out, I'll split the winnings with you."

-"If I were to ask you out, what would you say?"


But the thing to remember about 'pick-up' lines are that even the GOOD ones are simply a means of starting a conversation - they are NOT the be-all and end-all of the 'pitch'. Once you've got the woman's attention, THEN comes the sincere part of things, which can vary wildly depending on what you're looking for - a drink? a single dance? a one-night-stand? a couple of dates? At that point, the onus is on YOU, and no one can tell you what to say...

 

Excellent advice Empath. If you are not a relationship counselor you may have missed your calling.

 

@jaded empath: I probably am an exception in this, but my choice would be the sad woman. It's not universal.

 

@taza - well-said. Apologies, maybe I should revise my statements in that people TEND to prefer to be happy, and hang around happy people.

@nunsbane - Um...can I get a hit off of whatever you're on?
(In all honesty, this is probably just a momentary 'conjunction' of profundity on my part...don't EXPECT it to continue for much longer)

And back to our OP, Deadman (gee, even your choice of nick implies defeatism ) - I'll keep reiterating my key point as long as you'll let me: you've got to have confidence - the confidence to go out there and FAIL.

Don't be afraid to fail - it's one of the most important ways we learn. All the advice we give you isn't going to be NEARLY as useful as just going out and taking a shot at it yourself.

Heck, you may try something NONE of us could even think of, and that method might work GANGBUSTERS for you, but you'll never know until you TRY.

(And don't worry, embarassment is MOMENTARY - you WILL get over being 'shot down'. It gets easier with practice.)