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A man and his monkey went into a bar, the man sat down with a drink while his monkey went and ate all the nuts in the bar the barmen sai
"Did you see that!" The man turned round
"Oh yeah - he eats anything and everything" The man continued drinking. Then the monkey ate some cigarettes and a few pound coins the barman shook his head in disbelief. The monkey went over to the pool table and ate the Cue Ball
"Did you se that! Your monkey just ate the cue ball!"
"Oh yeah - sorry about that." The man payed for his drink and payed for everything the monkey had eaten

The next week the man came back with his monkey, the man sat down with his drink while his monkey went to the bar and picked up a cherry - this time he put it up his butt before taking it out then eating it
"Did you see what your monkey just did!"
"Oh yeah - ever since he ate that Cue Ball he checks the size of things before he eats them."

 

A guy needs a dog for protection, so he goes into a pet shop. The owner shows him a poodle that knows karate. The guy is skeptical, but the owner says, "Karate the chair!"

The poodle tears up the chair into shreds.

"Karate the box!"

The poodle rips up the box.

Convinced, the man buys the dog and shows it to his wife. She says, "A dog who knows karate? Ha! Karate, my ass!"

 

Three women are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there is a
> > beeping sound. The first lady presses her forearm and
> > the beeping stops. The others look at her curiously. "That's my
> > pager," she says, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
> >
> > A few minutes later a phone rings. The second woman lifts
> > her palm to her ear. When she finishes she explains, "That's my
> > mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
> >
> > The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the
> > sauna. In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper
> > hanging from the crack of her butt. The others raise their eyebrows.
> >
> > "Oh, excuse me. I'm getting a fax."

 

This is kinda similar to the Bacon Joke...

Several horses are showing off in the stables about their wins. "I had 32 races and I only lost 14!" one said. "Hah! I had 57 races and I only lost 9!" "Pathetic!" another piped up. "I had 76 races and I lost 6!"

Meanwhile, a dog who has been listing to their conversation spoke. "I had 99 races and lost 2."
"Oh my god..." the horses said. "Dogs could talk!"

 

A family is in Church for the first time. When the offering plate is being passed, the little boy loudly says, "Don't pay for me Dad. I'm under five!"

 

a pregnant woman had an accident and succumb to coma for about 3 months. when she finally woke up, she found out that she was not pregnant anymore. the doctor happily told her that she had twins, a boy and a girl, and both are healthy and doing fine. also that her brother came and named them. to this, the woman was taken aback, "not my brother, he's a moron." she said. and expecting the worse, she asked the doctor for the baby girl's name.
"denise", the doctor replied.
"that's a beautiful name, i guess i'm wrong about my brother." said the woman. "what about the name of my baby boy, doc?" she asked further.
"denephew" said the doctor.

 

Here's an old orchestra joke:

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A: A bull has the horns in front and an ass in back

This is an Irish joke so if anyone gets offended please accept my apologies. (This joke is best when told by someone who can speak with an Irish accent)

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender "would ya pour me two pints of Guinness?". After finishing his beer he leaves. One week later the same guy walks in and asks the bartender "I'll have two pints of Guinness". Drinks them and leaves. This goes on every week. After a while, the bartender says to the guy "Every week you come in here, order two pints at the same time, drink them alone and leave.". He replies "Well, the story is this. Me brother and I were real close. Then he went and moved to Dublin for a new job so we decided since we can't be drinkin' together no more, every week we would both go to a bar, order a pint for ourselves and a pint for the other, this way it would be almost as good as if we were actually together.". So, week after week the guy comes into the bar and orders two pints until one week he says to the bartender "I'll have one pint of Guinness". The bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry, has something happened to your brother?". "Oh no", says the guy. "Me brothers fine, I'm on the wagon"

 

I've got a really BAD David beckham Joke here

Davids' son Romeo looked up at his father and said:
"Daddy, when I'm on the pitch what number will I wear?" David smiled at his son and said.
"Romeo, Romeo, Where four out there, Romeo."

 

Three men were getting drunk on a roof. One was wearing white, one was wearing green, and one was wearing blue. After a while, the guy in blue says to the guy in white "You know, if we both drink one more can of beer, we will be able to fly."

The man in white answers "Really? I don't believe you. You're drunk."

The guy in blue replies "Don't believe me? I'll prove it."

Then the guy in blue walks toward the edge of the roof, and jumps. The guy in white looks in horror, when suddenly, the guy in blue flies into the air, does a figure 8, then lands back on the roof.

The man in white then says "Wow! My turn."

He drinks another can of beer, walks toward the edge of the roof, jumps, and plummets to the ground.

The man in green then approaches the guy in blue and says to him:

"You're a mean drunk, Superman."

 

What is the height of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory thinking that she's making sleeping bags for mice.

 

Hey: An Irishman walks out of a bar.

That was it.

Also, not really a joke, but I work for the computer help desk at my college, and one afternoon, I got a call from the Health Center. In the Health Center, they have Support Groups for various illnesses and reasons. The "Alzheimers" Support Group had forgotten their password.

 

Are they allowed to be slightly rude? If not, edit this out.

If so...

What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
Full.

 

A man is trying to prove Blondes are not dumb at a Blonde convention. He picks a Blonde from the stage and asks her, "What's fifty plus fifty?"

"Ummmm... ninety-nine?"

The crowd roars, "Give her another chance!"

"Fine, fine. What's twenty plus twenty?"

"Err... forty-one?"

"Give her another chance!"

"All right. But be warned; this is your last chance. What is one plus one?"

"I think it's two."

"Give her another chance!"

 

"i'm a topic-starter, twisted topic-starter..."

 

I only know some filthy jokes...

1) What's the difference between a blonde and a musquito?
- The musquito STOPS sucking after you hit her.

2) 100 nuns and an abdess (sp? head of nuns) are gathered in the monastry and the abdess says:
"there has been a man in the monastry!"
99 nuns: ooooh!
1 nun: hihihi
The abdess again: "Even worse, we have found a condom!!"
99 nuns: OOOOHH!!
1 nun: hihihi
"But t5he worst thing is the was puncture in the the condom!"
99 nuns: hahaha
1 nun: ooohh

 

Two blondes are walking down the street, when one pulls out her pocket mirror (those folding pocket mirrors for help with putting on makeup) and looks at the reflection, she says,
"Oh my, that person really looks familiar, I *know* I recognize her..."
The other blonde grabs the mirror, looks at the reflection, and says,
"You big dummy, it's me!"
----------------------------------------------
A blonde walks into a Future Shop, walks over to the TV section, points at a TV and asks a salesman for the price of the TV.
"We don't serve blondes here." replies the salesman.
The blonde immediately turns around and storms out of the store. That night, she dyes her hair, along with her eyebrows, brown. The next day she walks back into the Future Shop, goes to the TV section, and sees a different salesman than the one from the day before. She points at a TV and asks for the price.
"Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes here." replies the salesman.
The blonde stares at the man, completely shocked, and asks: "Bu..how did you know I was blonde?"
The salesman answers, "Ma'am, that's a microwave."

 

A man buys a camel and is told by the previous owner how to command it. Few makes it run, many makes it walk and Amen makes it stop. The man says 'Few' and the camel starts running towards a cliff, but the man can't remember how to stop it so he prays, 'God save me, Amen!' of course the camel stops right at the edge of the cliff and the guy says, 'PHEW, that was close!'

 

A Texan is in a skyscraper in Dallas when he sees a man out on the edge of roof and looking down.

"Hey, fella! Don't jump! Remember your family!"

"My parents are dead and my wife and I never had kids!"

"Well, remember your wife!"

"She divorced me!"

"Well, Hell. Remember the Alamo!"

"What's the Alamo?"

"Go ahead and jump, you damn Yankee."

 

Here's a clean one:
There was pastor of a small church for many years. One day he passed away and went to heaven. Saint Peter met him at the pearly gates and greeted him warmly.
"I will show you to your house, father", he said.
So they walk to this little cottage. It is a bit small but very nice. The pastor is standing in his front yard discussing life in heaven with St. Peter when he notices a big huge mansion down the street.
Curious, he asked St. Peter "Is that the house of a pope or some great holy man?"
And St. Peter said "Well, no. He was a bus driver."
Astonished, the pastor said "I'm sorry, I don't understand. I was a faithful pastor for 40 years, I never drank or swore or gambled. I had a small congregation, but I was a good person and served the Lord faithfully. Why do I have a little cottage and this bus driver has a great big mansion?"
And St. Peter responded "Well, the way he drove that bus, he got more people to pray than you ever did!"

 

Josif Stalin wakes up one morning and decides to say hello to the sun. He opens a window, looks at the rising sun and says:
"Good morning, comrade sun!"
"Good morning, o Star of Life" the sun says in response.
Few hours pass, and Stalin is eating his lunch when he sees the sun coming out of the clouds.
"Good day, comrade sun!" Stalin says.
"Good day, o Star of Life."
Few hours later evening comes, and again one day in the Worker's Paradise has gone by. Before going to bed Stalin wants to say goodbye to his friend, the sun:
"Good night, comrade sun!"
"&$%@ you, Stalin, I finally made it to the West!"