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I was on a conference last night and there I saw Bush and Koffi Anan having a whispered conversation. So I walk up to them and say: "what's up?"
"well we have a plan for WW3 with which we will kill 40,000,000 moslims and one dentist," replies Bush.
"one dentist?" I ask
Whereto Bush says to Koffi "you see noone cares about the 40,000,000 moslims?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[ October 04, 2002, 15:18: Message edited by: aegron ]

 

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygeine and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches..." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . "
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and 18½ neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . . "
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . . 9 and ½…. Wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right , how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . . "
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . . 7 5/8"
Joe was incredulous. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see.... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

 

there were 2 guys who wanted to know if there was baseball in heaven, so they agreed that the 1st one to die would find out (assuming they go to heaven). Then on of them dies. the other is sad but yet anxious to know if they play baseball in heaven. a few days later, the first guy's spirit appears to the other and says, "Well, i've got good news and bad news." "let me hear the good news first." The spirit says "alright: the good news is, yes there is baseball in heaven. the bad news is......you're pitching tomorrow."

q-how many 'real men does it take to change a light bulb?
a-none. 'real men aren't afraid of the dark.

q-how many 'real women' does it take to change a light bulb?
a-none. they'd have plenty of real men around to do it.

q-how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
a-2. one to hold the giraffe and another to fill the bathtub with brightly colored tools.

 

Five people are flying in an airplane until the captain announces that there isn't any fuel anymore and there are only 4 parachutes. the captain quickly jumped out of the plane so the other 5 could argue over the 4 parachutes.

Rafael van der Vaart says: I am the new soccertalent in holland and Ajax needs me, i'm still young and a nice guy I think I should take a parachute.

Everebody agrees and rafael jumps out of the plane.

Premier Balkenende says: Holland needs me, I can do a lot of good for holland and the world I think I should take a parachute too.

Balkende jumps too

Next was Paul Boszvelt: I am also a good player for feyenoord, and unlike everbody's opinion I AM SMART so I should take a parachute too.

Boszvelt jumps too

That left only two people: a little girl and the pope. The pope says: I am old and I will most certainly die in a couple of months and you have a whole life in front of you, you should take the parachute.

Little girl: That won't be necessary, boszvelt may think himself smart but he took my backpack and jumped.

 

Buying condoms

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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

 

A guy, we'll call him Tom, was out one summer day mowing his lawn when a moving van pulls up next door. Tom walks over to the van to greet his new neighbour. After exchanging names and pleasantries, Tom asks his new neighbour, Jim, "So what do you for a living?"

Jim: "I'm a teacher. I teach deductive reasoning."

Tom: "Deductive reasoning? What's that?"

Jim: "Here, let me give you an example."

Jim (pointing to Tom's house): "Is this your house?"

Tom: "Yep."

Jim: "Well, I can see that you have a doghouse in the back yard, so I assume you have a dog."

Tom: "That's right."

Jim: "And since you have a dog and a big yard, I imagine you have children."

Tom: "Yep, I have two."

Jim: "Well, with a house and kids, I would assume you have a wife."

Tom: "Right again."

Jim: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce you're heterosexual."

Tom: "Of course."

Jim: "Well, that's deductive reasoning."

Later in the day, Tom is talking with his buddy Harry. Tom mentions the new neighbour and fills Harry in on the details.

Harry: "So he's a nice guy, huh?"

Tom: "Seems it."

Harry: "What does he do?"

Tom: "He teaches deductive reasoning."

Harry: "Huh? What's that?"

Tom: "Here, let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Harry: "No."

Tom: "Fag."

 

no i dont,my jokes are to obscene to be typed and therefor are pointless typing

 

You're right there!