Is This Man Cheating on His Wife?

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Cheating is such a fuzzy term. When my daughter was in middle school (grades 7-8), cheating was a term used if a 'boyfriend' even talked to another girl and looked interested in what she had to say.

As we get older, we start to look at the term cheating in a relationship to mean something similar to adultry. By this definition, no.

The most basic definition of cheating is to be fraudulent or dishonest. By this definition he could be cheating as he has emotionally entered another relationship (i.e., fraud).

 

No, it's not really true that it's "OK." It's the "grass is always greener" syndrome. And as Chev pointed out, TMH is using an old legalistic approach in his thinking about what constitutes "cheating." It's all very techincal but not very realistic. Also, Tal is right that dictionary definitions are not really all that helpful regarding cheating. Handing my wife an 8lb. dictionary would only give her something heavy to beat me over the head with if I was having a "virtual" realtionship with another woman like this guy was.

Keeping faith, being honest with your "significant other" is more than just the "physics of sex," despite all the legal or dictionary definitions one wishes to counter with. Just as marriage, or any other meaningful relationship for that matter, is more than just a legal document tucked away in a file cabinet somewhere. Sorry, TMH, but you should find a more meaningful hill to die on.

 

Inside his head is materially inexistent of itself, but it exists - even materially - as a dangerous conviction in the individual's head. No one marries accepting that the spouse will emotionally and/or intellectually depart in his own head. I hesitate to call it cheating, but I don't hesitate to say it's wrong. As far as sexual fantasies are concerned, they violate the "forsaking all others part" - apart from it already being unhealthy to dream about something you can't have. And I don't mean something like winning a lottery, which you realistically can't expect yourself to do, but something which you have taken an oath not to do. There's nothing good in thinking how nice it would be to be married to Joan while you're married to Jane.

Agreed, Chandos. There's no legalese to justify shortchanging a wife or husband.

 

Hey, if you want constantly keep wondering he she is having a fantasy about that handsome stud somewhere at the other side of the globe, be my guest. I just can't foresee a very stable relationship coming.

As long as both know the limits, which really can be anything depending of the person, both can avoid offending the other... for the most part.

 

I'm single, actually. But anyway. The best solution is simple: get into a relationship with someone who doesn't cherish sexual fantasies of other people.

 

I love that line, Chandos. I could see the guy's future ex-wife throwing it at him too...

 

I agree that it cannot be a very stable relationship if one, or both of the partners are fantasizing over someone else. A meaningful relationship is built on trust. In fact, mutual trust is probably the most important component within a lasting relationship. It's true that there is a degree of risk involved, but deep and lasting relationships are not really for the faint of heart anyway.

 

I say he is cheating.

The thing here was that that cartoon he was having sex was controlled by another real human being. So whether there is no real contact, they were both aware of what they are doing and consciously chose to do it. And I'm sure it ain't just one time. That, I feel, is already some form of infidelity.

and

"Everything", everything as in everything in Second Life or everything as in everything? He didn't bother to let his real wife know about what he does in his virtual world but his virtual wife knows everything (whichever "everything" that was). We can't justify that that is a form of him cheating on his wife but that sure ain't being loyal to his wife.

He may say that it was only a game and both of them have no wish to see each other beyond the virtual world. Yet he seems to live in his virtual world more than he does in the real world. And what Ms. Spielman said just affirm that despite it being virtual, there existed a real bond between them. And this guy would rather honor that bond than his union with his real wife. Maybe he honestly is not cheating but he is getting there, and the fact that he refuse to give it up for his wife also suggest that it's really more than just a game to him.

 

Yup. Although I can't see enough data to take it for granted that the characters "married" had sex.

Materially, it does look like a violation of the vows, some sort of sexual contact - even without physical contact - and so on. However, I can imagine that many people would do something like that without thinking. You would have to talk to them about it for them to realise there might be something wrong with that. While it doesn't change the material aspect of the act, it does mean that to some extent, they're being ignorant and maybe their consent isn't quite clear. I'm not sure at what stage it becomes appropriate to call it cheating, to be honest.

Yup, the thing with the real life surgery.

I've seen such things happen. First they say it's nothing real, just a game. Then they end up breaking up the real life relationships and getting together.

By the way... this is no joke... the authorities of my city (Warsaw, Poland), have decided to spend a lot of cash creating a virtual Warsaw in Second Life. What rubbish. And how they came across it is beyond me.

 

Indeed, Chevalier, they get together, and quite often get divorce before long. Sad, really.

 

I spent a couple of months playing SL. Although I never intended to get involved in the "game" I ended up getting involved in some situations that I was very uncomfortable about.

SL is insiduous. A very high percentage of the people I got to know there were already in real life relationships. Generally they were having some kind of problems with their relationships or their life in general so they turned to SL to fulfill what they could not get at home.

One of my friends there insisted that he was RPing. His wife was aware that he played SL and had online girlfriends. There was a significant amount of his SL that he kept secret from her however. His X-girl friend (in SL) who was also a friend of mine, broke up with him because he fell in love with her. He was open with his SL friends about being in love with his "virtual girlfriend" but his wife sure as hell never knew about that aspect. Was he cheating on his wife? I think so.

My other friend - a married lady, was having a lot of virtual boyfriends. She was very popular with the men. In the few months that I got to know her I saw her progress from having many online boyfriends and virtual sex to phone sex and talking to one of her "friends" on a regular basis on her cell phone. Recently she told me that one of her SL boyfriends lived only 40 minutes away from her home in RL. The last time I talked to her she told me that she had asked her husband for a divorce.

A lot of the people who are in SL take their virtual world very seriously. That was one of the main reasons that I left. It is a convenient excuse for those who don't want to admit the truth to themselves.

 

Good point. I do believe that most of those who plays PvP online/linked games do often kill each others character without being conscious of any moral implications for the simple reason that it is only a game. I was just assuming that he does kind'a already living in SL and totally aware that he is in full control of his virtual life. He made plans, and spend real time and real money to see these plans become real in his virtual world. There is already a sense of living seriously in his virtual world. Perhaps the chance of having virtual sex (or other form of actions that may be associated with being disloyal to his wife) are beyond "being ignorant" already. But of course, that is just my assumption.