Jokes!

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How about these ones I half remember?
Erwin Schrodinger: The chicken both did and did not cross the road, and did or did not cross the road for all concievable reasons and no reason at all until someone observes the road, at which point the waveform collapses and the chicken has definitely crossed or not crossed the road, and for a definite reason.

Nietzche (sp?) : For when you gaze long across the road, the road also gazes across you.

 

Nice Iron beard. Especially Nie../whatever his name is spelled
Ok. I'll Try too. This concept is too hilarious.

SHERLOCK HOLMES:
It crossed the road to hide its scent from trace dogs. Come Dr. Watson lets see if we can trace it's footprints.

OBI WAN KENOBI:
It is the will of the force. Patience my Young padawanlearner in time You will know too.

Any more?

[This message has been edited by Nobleman (edited August 27, 2001).]

 

There was a chicken toilet on the other end. You know, chickens need to empty their bowels too!

 

Read this, its kinda fun


Your Sexual Profile

A
You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.


B
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particular when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.


C
You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good-looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.


D
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement's, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open attitude.


E
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you. But once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book.(Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)


F
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.


G
You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.


H
You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and your earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits, and equally cautious in your sexual involvement's. You are a sensual and patient lover.


I
You have a great need to be loved, appreciated ... even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.


J
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.


K
You are crap in bed.


L
You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.


M
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.


N
You are totally fucking marvelous!


O
You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.


P
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. appearances count. Therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.


Q
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.


R
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal; the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not bed, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.


S
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the Nitty gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.


T
You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. You get turned on by music, soft lights, and romantic thoughts. You fantasize and tend to fall in and out of love. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely changeable. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, all in your own head.


U
You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.


V
You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense.


W
You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.


X
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.


Y
You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling, and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment.

and we just don't know about Z.

 

Chicken Answers, here: http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/misc/chicken.html
How could we forget :
Douglas Adams: 42 ?

 

how do you determine you sexual profile?

 

N type here.

(If you don't believe me look at the topic name.)

 

More chickens
Tony Blair: The chicken was dissatisfied with the traditional choices, to walk along the road to the left, or to walk along the road to the right, so it took "the Third Way".
McCarthy: The fact that the chicken crossed from the right side of the road to the left should be sufficient. The implications are obvious and the chicken shall be detained until it confesses and implicates all other chickens in similar road crossing incidents.

 

Nothing to do with Chickens but...

Be on your guard Male Date Rape Drug. Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called beer, that is disguised in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Attacks generally come from ugly birds who render their prey legless in order to satisfy their unsatiated desire with blokes of a more discerning nature. Please! Forward this to every male you know......

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory creatures administering them, there are male support groups with venues in every suburb where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly affected like minded guys. For the nearest venue near you just look up "Pub" in the yellow pages.

 

God was making woman and at first he gave her three breasts. "hmm something doesnt look right" he said, and pulls off the middle breast "much better" he says and throws the breast aside. The woman looks at god and says "what about a mate i need a mate" God says "but i have no material left to make another" The woman looks at god and says "oh yeah, what about that useless tit over there!"

My 70 year old grandpa told me that joke during my vacation...LOL

 

God must love stupid people...he made so many of them.

To golf or not to golf. What a stupid question.
(Golf) Left is a hook.
Right is a slice.
Straight is a miracle.

 

heres a old one:
one day a pregnant woman was walking down a ally, and a murder came and shot her 3 times.
a few weeks later she gave birth to 3 babys. 2 girls, 1 boy.

3 years later, the first girl came in crying.
MOTHER: whats the matter dear?
DAUGHTER: I had a pee and a bullet came out!

A few months after, the second girl came in crying.
MOTHER: whats the matter dear?
DAUGHTER: I had a pee and a bullet came out!

A Few Months later, the Son came In crying.
MOTHER: let me guess. you had a pee and a bullet came out.
SON: no! I was Jerking off and I shot the dog!

 

My friend told me this one.

The National Dyslexic Association = D.N.A

 

wait wait wait! a 3 Year old Jerking off?

 

One of my personal favorite jokes, and please nobody take offense at this - it's just a joke

God and the Computer
--------------------
In the beginning there was the computer. And God typed:

%>Let there be light!
#Please login.
%>login God
#Password?.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven_and_earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters
which are under and above the firmament
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run dry_land
#And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0
errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind.
#And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
%>Y
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
#MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

 

That is THE funnyest joke EVER!!!!

 

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

 

A man was trapped in an elevator with Satan, Hitler, and a lawyer. The good news was he had a gun. The bad news was he only had two bullets.

So he shot the lawyer twice.

-----

The pentagon recently found it had too many
generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet, he walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general,asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet, he walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

-----

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and she does not win. Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she pray's... " Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself... "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."

-----
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradictio
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
She'll break open his head and then be his
nurse
But when he's well and can get out of bed
She'll pick up the teapot and aim for his head
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
She'll call him a king, then make him a
clown
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat
down
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan
She'll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his
tracks
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her
nose
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than
milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad
She'll hate you like poison, and love you
like mad

MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.



[This message has been edited by eveningdrive (edited September 19, 2001).]

 

You people are no fun! This is a joke!:

You know why you have a bad breath when you've been dreaming of chocolate-pudding all night and wake up with a spoon hanging out yer ass!

 

add this too the bumper sticker list i saw it today

"Stop Bitching, Start a revolution"