Jokey Posties

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Nice one Colthrun

 

I don't get it... Gaelic football, you score by other ways then making goals? I've never heard of that term.

 

I don't get it either.

 

Let's bring culture to the masses.

and

From:
http://www.gaa.ie/page/all_about_football.html


Too localised a joke, I suppose.

 

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to." The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out - both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst, my wife came home with no panties!

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said: From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

 

i am locutus of borg, you will be assimulated

 

I don't get that one, Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

And I still don't get that Gaelic Football one.

 

A bbc news story claims that Gaelic football is becoming more popular with Asians in England.

Harbourboy - Rangers is a supposedly Protestant football team in Scotland, while Celtic is a supposedly Catholic team in Scotland. Not many people realize that Scotland has the same sectarian issues that plague N.Ireland (though to a lesser scale). Every year thousands of Scottish come over to support the 12th July parades (not long to the Scottish invasion )

My joke:

What do you call 2 Irish gays? Sean FitzGerald

 

No no no. You've got it all wrong. This is how it goes...

"My name is Patrick Fitzgerald."
"And my name is Gerald Fitzpatrick."
"And we've heard all the jokes, so save 'em."
"Save 'em!"

 

Four Catholic moms were discussing about their sons.

Mom 1: My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

Mom 2: My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room, people say "Your Grace."

Mom 3: My son is a cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."

Mom 4 sips her coffee in silence and says: My son is a gorgeous, 6'1", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper, When he walks into a room, women say "My God.."

 

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday".
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says "Go talk to your mother". So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?," "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English b*****ds"

 

Brilliant Caradhras

 

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't
appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on
it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Super-
man jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

 

A man has tickets for the World Cup final. After He has been sitting in
his seat for a few minutes, the man in the seat behind him taps him on
the shoulder and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

No," he says. "The seat is empty."

Absolutely incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, one of the great sporting
events, and not use it?"

Well actually," he says, "the seat belonged to my wife. She was supposed
to come with me but she passed away. This is the first World Cup final
we haven't been to together since we got married."

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," replies the man. "That's terrible. But
couldn't you find someone else to take the seat? A friend or relative,
or even a neighbour?"


The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

blonde IQ test:

http://www.gngnet.gr/stuff/blondes/

 

Short and sweet:

A drum kit falls down a cliff.

Ba-boom-boom-che!

 

football

youtube clip. great background music, great moments, some you might remember.

 

In preparation for the World Cup Finals, the "offside rule" explained
for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop
assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which
you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them
with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money
to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and
"whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch
the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been
thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other
shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!

(Here endeth the lesson...)