Jokey Posties

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A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.64." the Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, And then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was Going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need A boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No, no, no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."

 

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling....
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued. "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

 

A supervisor from the National Health Service is checking on an asylum. The asylum’s director is giving him the tour of the facilities, when the supervisor asks:

'So, have you got a good method to determine whether a person is crazy or not? You know, we can't afford to have lunatics on the streets, or sane people locked up.'

'We use the bathtub test, actually', said the director.

The supervisor is intrigued, and asks to be shown the test. They walk to one of the shower areas and there's a bathtub full of water in the middle of the room. Next to it, there's a table with a spoon, a mug, and a salad bowl.

'We ask those whom we are testing to empty the bathtub as soon as possible', said the director.

'I see', said the supervisor. 'Obviously, those who choose the spoon or the mug haven't got all their mental faculties working correctly, because it's obvious that the salad bowl would do the faster job'.

'Actually', said the director, 'pulling the bath plug would be easier and faster. What type of room did you say you'd like to have?'

 

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

Jack walks into a bar and orders a beer. After quickly drinking it down, he orders another and rapidly drains that too. Upon ordering the third beer, the bartender looks at Jack suspiciously, Jack starts to tell his story, "I'm in deep trouble with my wife. You know how, every once in while, you mean to say one thing but it doesn't come out right?"
The bartender says, "Yeah, it happens all the time around here."
Jack continues, "Well tonight at dinner what I meant to say was 'Honey, please pass the butter.'"
Jack pauses and takes another drink before continuing, "But what came out was 'You stupid witch, you really messed up my life.'"

 

Who's the guilty one?

Woman who dreams in the middle of the night and shouts "Hide! Quickly! My husband is home." Or man who gets up, jumps out the window naked and realizes "Darn! I'm the husband."

 

So a pirate gets into port, and immediatley walks into the local bar...goes up to the bartender and askes for a rum.

"Gimme a Rum," he says to the bartender. The bartender replies:
"Sure, Cap'n, but first answer me a question: Why is there a steering wheel in yer britches?" The pirate replies: "Arrr, I don't know, but its been drivin' me nuts!"

 

This is probably a bit risky. Hope no one is offended by it:

Three guys is walking on the californian beach, a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man.

Suddenly they find a bottle with a cork screwed in real tight, and it looks like something is in the bottle.

It take the effort of all three men to get the cork out, and when it does suddenly a genie pop out.

Genie: Thanks for freeing me mortals! As a reward I grant each of you a wish. You can wish for anything you likes!

Black man: Cool, I go first. I wish that me and all my brothers in the USA will be happy and free and wealthy and in Africa.

And poof, it's done.

Mexican man: Okay, I wish that me and all my people in the USA will be happy and free and wealthy and in Mexico.

And poof, it's done.

The white man stands with his mouth open and the genie turns and ask him what his wish would be.

White man: Uh, wait a moment. Does this means that all the black people are in Africa and all the mexicans are in Mexico?

The Genie: Yes.

White man: Uh, ok. I'll have a Coke then.

 

That's a tad racist

 

But more than a tad funny.

 

Uh... anyway, it's genie time again. Bear over with me

A guy is walking on a beach in Scandinavia. Suddenly he finds a bottle with a cork screwed in real tight, and it looks like something is in the bottle.

With effort he gets the cork out and suddenly a genie pops out of the bottle.

Genie: Thanks for freeing me mortal! As a reward I grant you a wish. You can wish for anything you like!

Guy: Really? Anything?

Genie: Yes, anything you want.

Guy: Uh ok. I have family in Australia I'd like to visit, but I am really afraid of flying. I wish you would build a bridge to Australia from here, then I could drive to my family. That would be cool!

Genie: Are you nuts? You want me to change the face of the world, not to mention the ecological consequences! I can't do that! Surely there is something else you wish for?

Guy: Uh, ok. Then I wish that men and women would finally understand and respect each other.

Genie: Ehhh... Hey, about that bridge. Wouldn't it be nice if it had a railway?

 

Actually, it's not. What is is doing though, is highlighting the prevalent racist attitudes of many white americans. So mwah!

 

Thanks Daie d'Malkin.

In my opinion some of the best jokes highlights some of the not-so-nice qualities of us as human beings.

Whether it's racist, sexist, chauvenist, differences between countries, cities, politics, religion and so on.

I think it help seing things from a wider perspective when you laugh at it. But then again I come from a country where usually nothing is sacred when it comes to jokes.

That doesn't mean I don't respect other people having a different opinion about that, though.

 

I didn't say it offended me. You couldn't get away with a joke like that where I come from though, you can be sure that someone would be offended!

 

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So, he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the Pledge of Allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So, Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So, Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But, he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But, he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral of this story: Don't stand up in a boat.

 

Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, ****ing stop it then!"

 

Heheh. Good ones guys.

Thanks. I have had one hell of a week, and it's not over yet. This was just what I needed.

 

The digression in the Old Skool thread reminded me of this Feff Foxworthy classic:

When a wife says she's not wearing any underwear, the husband thinks 'ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA GET LUCKY!'

When a husband says he's not any underwear, the wife thinks 'Oh lord, I'm gonna have to wash those jeans twice now.'

 

Archimedes, Pascal, and Newton are playing
hide-and-seek. Archimedes covers his eyes and starts counting. Pascal looks around and hides behind a bush.
Newton grabs a stick and scrapes a one meter by one
meter square in the dirt and stands in it. Otherwise he does not hide at all. Archimedes opens his eyes and looks around. Of course, he immediately sees Newton and calls "I see Newton!" Newton calmly says "But hang on, one Newton in a
square meter is a Pascal!"