Jokey Posties

Remove all ads!

The Pope lands at an airport just in time to get to an important meeting. His limo driver speedily takes off, but the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting on time. The Pope asks the driver to switch places so the Pope can drive.

They speedily take off again, but unfortunately, the speeding car is stopped by a cop. The police officer takes one look at the situation and radios in to police headquarters. He tells the chief that he's got a pretty important person on his hands.

The police chief asked, "Is he more important than the mayor?"The cop said, "Yes."

Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the governor?"

The cop said, "Yes."

Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the President?"

The cop said, "Yes."

Finally, the chief asked, "How important can he be?"

The cop said, "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver."

 

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted. (so are children)



Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.



Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.



Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.



Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?



Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of homeland security.

 

Supposedly sentences from GCSE creative writing essays. But they're lovely wherever they're from.

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
• Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on a 31p-a-pint night.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
• She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

 

@Arifirh:
ROTFLMAO!!! Some of them are actually good but still funny, but the rest are just funnily stupid.

 

I'm going to have to share those similes with others too!

This reminds me of a Terry Pratchett quote: "Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

 

A middle aged man sits in a bar, and he is drinking heavily. However the bartender notices that after downing each drink the man looks in his wallet. Intrigued and suspecting the man to be lacking the money to pay for all the drinks, he asks him how come he has to look inside it after each drink. The man chuckles and replies: see this? he asks, and points to a photo in his wallet. This is my wife. When she starts looking good, then i know its time for me to go home.

 

I like that one here's another from my email

WARNING Slightly crude

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said,

"Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

 

A guy called Trash on the codex forums:

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

 

A laugh is healing and I just got 3. Need it with this blasted cold.

 

Here's another one for ya Nakia

Redneck Security System

Installing a wireless security system in four easy steps:

1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a
really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo
magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba,
big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr.
Don't
disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed."

 

Good jokes Arahar. But "Specificity" is really hard to say even when you're sober.

 

Good joke Arahar. Not a bad idea either.

 

*** Warning... can be a bit gross.


After the plane takes-off. This guy tries to strike a conversation with this sexy blonde sitting beside him.

Guy: They say that a conversation can make a long trip short.
Blonde: (Starts opening a book) Right, what do you like to talk about?
Guy: How about nuclear physics?
Blonde: (Puts down book) That should be interesting but before that answer this first. A cow, a horse, and a goat all eat grass. How come a cow has soft-flatty poo, a horse have hard muffin-size poo while a goat have hard pellet-like poo?
Guy: Gee, I don't know?
Blonde: (Going back to her book) What makes you think you can talk about nuclear physics when you don't know sh!t.

 

Useful Work Phrases:

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14. No, my powers can only be used for good.

15. How about never? Is never good for you?

16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

 

There were a few mildly amusing limericks on a CD I bought today:

There was a young man called Hardcastle
By a billiard ball he was struck
On his tombstone it said Hardcastle
Hard Ball
Hard Luck


Mary had a little lamb
Her daddy shot it dead
Now she takes the lamb to school
Between two bits of bread

 

http://bash.org/?602224

Oh dear:

http://bash.org/?597875

[ January 17, 2006, 03:02: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

All right, here's one of mine for all of you who think I'm lame... MORE COMING!


JOKE 1
Ok, so the Pope is getting driven around by his Chauffeur in a limo. The Pope says to the Chauffeur "Hey, can I have a try at driving?"

"Of course." Replied the working man, glad to hand over the wheels. The Pope was a decent motorist, but a wrong turn led him to get pulled over by a young police officer. The new cop saw the pope driving and freaked out, and then called his superior officer for advice.

"Sir," he says, "I've just pulled over someone VERY important, what do I do?"

"Think son!" Says the Officer, "is he more important than the mayor?"

"I think so!"

"Is he more important than the Governor?"

"Yes!"

"Is he more important than the PRESIDENT?!"

"Well, he must be because the pope is driving him around!"

 

Err, unless that joke was deliberate, i think you should check the page before, cos that jokes already been posted...

 

OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS!!?? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE I READ THAT JOKE? >.>

Ok, after yet ANOTHER failed attempt heres another one...

So a history teacher is in class and outlining a VERY serious assignment and it's repercussions for not turning it in. He stresses that it is SO important that the only excuses for a late paper would be death in the immediate family or serious illness. A smart ass student raises his hand and says "What about from extreme sexual exhaustion?!" The teacher waited for the class's laughter to die down, and with a stern gaze said to the student,

"Well then, I guess you'll have to learn how to write with your other hand."