Jokey Posties

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LOL. I've read that a long time ago... still as funny as the first time.

 

In case this hasn't been seen before, it's been amusing me all evening: the history of the world according to students.

http://www.xs4all.nl/~gurth/history.txt

 

oh man that takes the cake!

 

Great history lessons Tiamat. That really made my day.

 

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

--------------------------------

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped George Bush....They're asking for a $300 million ransom.
Otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, taking
up a collection."


The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"


"About a litre."

 

@TBA your first joke had me but your second one had me

 

Was it the Beans?

My 3 year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my 7 month old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No"..!
I kept thinking, Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me. Then I said, Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?
Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.......SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!! While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!
Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked Me for the best laugh they had ever had!!! Another gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, Don't worry son, My wife accuses me of the same thing all the time.....! I've just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.
--------------
In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit - Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

[ May 02, 2007, 16:48: Message edited by: iLLusioN' ]

 

Don't get that second one... Maybe it's cos I'm knackered.

 

I don't get the second one either...

 

I don't get the Finnegan story either but went on to dig deeper. There's a collection of such stories here. I don't really consider them as jokes but some would draw a little chuckle when not taken seriously... like this one:

 

I just posted it because it made me chuckle...figured it might do the same for some others.

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It stunk.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
--------------------------
I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked. (Don't ask. I never did). What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that they issue to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I couldn't wait to test it, so I called Jason, and told him to come on over. I took the back seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down. This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed up. They had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off. I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of the area lakes. The windows were down and the hot August wind was roaring through the car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend started complaining about the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled
in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and gave it a good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window. Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yep, that dang raft started to inflate right there in the VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things to inflate, and for the first 5 seconds or so I was frozen with something of a mixture fear, amazement, and a sense of “this really can't be happening!'' In the 6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering wheel hard enough that I couldn't really see where I was going, and started pushing the windows that weren't down out of their frames, and onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the
raft was fully inflated. I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on the road. By this time the real chaos had started. The girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason waslaughing like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me when all this
started had turned on his siren. I finally got the car to the center median, and stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the door and pulled. The door shot open, and the raft
exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks,
and having a hard time breathing. I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again and somewhat coherent. He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket? He said no, he just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we could and went back to my place. The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that all that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside the car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had talked to the OHP cop.

 

There once was a Native American Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story? Huh?...........................


OH, come on...take a guess!


Think about it .


(You're going to love this!)


And the moral is


...You can't kill two birds with one stone.

 

One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinking till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could retake the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.

On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:


MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS :
All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS)
Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS)
Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS)
Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)

 

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

 

Joey: Hey Johnny! What's with the black eye?
Johnny: I had a fight with my brother Jeremy.
Joey: Why?
Johnny: I forgot that it was his birthday yesterday.
Joey: You two had a fight just because of that? That's petty don't you think?
Johnny: We're twins.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Joey, Johnny, and Jeremy were caught drinking in Saudi Arabia. Since drinking alcohol was crime in that country, they were all sentence to receive 20 lashes each. Before they receive their punishment, the sheik announced that it was his wife's birthday and he will give each of them a wish.

Since Joey was first in line, he wished that a pillow be tied to his back. His wish was granted and the whip starts to crack. 10 lashes was all the pillow could take, so Joey had to brave the next 10 lashes.

Next was Johnny, and he wished for 2 pillows to be tied to his back. Wish was granted but the pillows can only take 15 lashes. So Johnny bears the 5 lashes.

And last came Jeremy. The sheik noticed that Jeremy actually reminded him of himself when he was younger. And for this, he would grant Jeremy a second wish. Jeremy wished for 50 lashes instead of 20. The sheik was surprised but admired the courage and granted the wish. For his second wish, Jeremy wished that Johnny be tied to his back.

 

This evening at dinner I got a fortune cookie:

You bring out the goodness in people.

My wife saw it and said,

More like you bring out the 'oh my goodness' in people.

 

Okay, I was waiting for kuemper to say something about this, but...

Over the weekend, she and her hubby came over to join us for a barbeque. While lighting the grill, I got all technical and nerdy in explaining what I was doing, and apologised for the same. Then her husband said that I wasn't a nerd, I was a geek. Which got us talking about the semantic differences.

It escalated to the point of my wife saying none of us were nerds because we were all married; I amended that by asserting that nerds don't even have relationships with real people, and kuemper, bless her heart, affected a 'Comic Book Store Owner Guy from the Simpsons' voice, and said:

Which then set us all laughing.

 

Kinda lame, this one, but strangely enough it's the only one I can think of off-hand:

A private charter flight is in some trouble during flight because it's become clear that there's too much luggage so the pilot asks that each passsenger choose on item to toss out, the Chinese passenger says "Throw my chopsticks, I can buy more when we land", so out go the chopsticks, the por boxer says "Throw my boxing gloves, I can get more when I get to the gym", so out go the gloves, then the army demolitions man says "Throw my explosives, I'll get more when I get back to base", so out go the explosives. After landing, the pilot goes into town to go to his favourite bar but on the way he sees a guy holding his head with blood spurting from his eye socket, "What happened to you?" he asks, to which the man replies Ï got hit in the eye by chopsticks!", a bit further on the pilot sees a man with a huge black eye "What happened to you?" he asks, "I got hit in the face by falling boxing gloves!". He finally gets to where his bar should be only to find a pile of rubble and a man laughing hysterically, "What on earth happened here?" he asks, "Well," says the laughing man, "I farted and the building behind me collapsed!"