Jokey Posties

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Another quick one:

What do you call 20 English people in a filing cabinet?
Sorted

 

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

 

Took me a second to get that but it did give me a chuckle.

 

Haha, good one Dalveen

Reminds me of one my dad used to tell.

A young [American] Indian child walks up to his father, and says "Father, why is my brother named Running Deer?"
"Because, on the morning of his birth, I looked outside and saw a majestic stag sprinting out of the woods."
"Then, why is my sister named Soaring Eagle?"
"On the morning she was born, an enormous bald eagle flew over our village. Why do you ask, Big Pooping Dog?"

 

> Subject: Boaby & Davy go to France (Conjoined Twins)
>
>


>
> An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with
> a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and
> winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and
> notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy.
>
> Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to
> engage in some friendly chat.
>
> Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?
>
> Davy: Aye, that's right big yin.
> We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.
>
> Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy
> weather you have in Ecosse?
>
> Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here.
> Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby?
>
> Boaby: Aye.
>
> Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food,
> very healthy.
>
> Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've
> brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap.
>
> Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac,
> surely.
>
> Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot.
> In't that right Boaby?
>
> Boaby: Aye.
>
> Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must
> be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in
> Europe.
>
> Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye!
> The burds here are dogs, ah widnae touch them wae yours big yin.
>
> Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our
> country if everysing ees so bad?









> Boaby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!

 

> > Weight Loss for Men!!!!
> >
>
> > A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.
> > The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him
> > a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
> > Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
> > She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
> > The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
> > Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
> > huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
> > the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
> > weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As
> > promised
> > He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The
> > next
> > day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
> > beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
> > nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
> > reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
> > Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
> > excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
> > next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting
> > in better and better shape.
> > Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
> > discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to
> > go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
> > program
> > 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our
> > most rigorous program.'
> > 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
> > The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
> > finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
> > running shoes
> > and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is
> > mine.'
> > He lost 63 pounds that week.
> >

 

Wow! 93lbs in 15 days. Hehe.

 

@iLLusioN' Very good.

 

"Primarily, it's a pride thing: we're out there in our own vehicles, burning gas, got the sunglasses on, looking good. People seeing us going by would have no idea we don't know where we are. And we're not really excited about sharing that information. A man does not embrace the concept of going up to total strangers and saying, 'You may not know this, but I'm a moron,' whereas the woman he's with is only too happy to share that information. I think that helps ease her burden a little. See, to a woman, getting lost on a trip is just a blameless act of nature. But to a man, it's a sign of personal failure. He knew where he was when left; he doesn't know where he is now. Somewhere along the way, he crossed the line between the world he knows and the world he doesn't know. And that's exactly how he felt about when he got married, and when he had kids. So if he admits he's lost in his car, he's gonna have to admit he's lost in those other areas as well. That's way too much to ask. So just sit there, bite your tongue, circle the block a couple of times. Men aren't lost, they just take the long way."

Red Green

 

Thanks T2Bruno. I've always wondered why men can't admit they are lost.

 

Paul Lynde was 'center square' for nearly 13 seasons. His quips to questions were legendary:
Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.
Q: True or false, there is such a thing as a female rooster.
Lynde: Yes, they're the ones who go 'a doodle-doo.'
Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.
Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of the body?
Lynde: Well, mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: True or false. At a recent hearing, opponents of fluorinated water argued that too much fluorine in a person's system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
Lynde: (shouting) HEY CULLIGAN MAN!
Q: As any good boat enthusiast knows, that when a man falls out of a boat, you yell "man overboard." Now, what should you yell if a woman falls out of a boat?
Lynde: Full speed ahead.
Q: True or false? Your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's.
Lynde: Look who's talking, Beaverface.
Q: True or false? Most airports now make you go through an internal frisking before getting on the plane?
Lynde: Well, that's the only reason I fly.
Q: A cub scout holds up two fingers. A boy scout holds up three fingers. What does a girl scout hold up?
Lynde: Well, that just depends on how many cookies you buy.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.
Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.
Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?
Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.
Q: True or false: Women are sexier after having a baby.
Lynde: Right after?
Q: What made the monkey cry?
Lynde: Learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
Q: What would the Lone Ranger always leave behind with the damsel in distress he'd saved?
Lynde: A masked baby!
Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.
Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!
Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.
Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.
Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?
Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.
Q: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Lynde: Conversation.
Q: What two things should you never do in bed?
Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

A man goes to the supermarket and notices an

attractive woman waving at him.

She walks over, says hello, and smiles broadly.

The man's rather taken aback because he can't

place where he knows her from. So he says,

"Do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you're the father of

one of my kids."

As his buttocks clench up involuntarily, the

man's mind travels back to the only time he

was ever unfaithful to his wife.

He says, "My God, are you the stripper from

my bachelor party that I made love to on the

pool table with all my buddies watching while

your partner whipped my butt with wet

celery?"

The woman looks into his eyes and says

calmly, "No, I'm your son's third grade

teacher."
__________________________________________________________________
<kinzey> i want to go out with a girl
<kinzey> and lay in the field
<kinzey> real romatic like
<kinzey> and just stare at the full moon
<kinzey> and she'll say something along the lines of "the moon's so beautiful tonight"
<kinzey> and i'll just be like
<kinzey> "that's no moon... THAT'S A BATTLESTATION!!!"
<kinzey> and then run to the car and leave her ass there
<Chris> wow
_______________________________________________________________
<Tscully> It's Christmas. We show up at my grandmas house. I'm 14.
<Tscully> It comes time to open the presents, she brings out this little square-shaped flat present, wrapped in christmas paper.
<Tscully> I wonder what it is, what joyous gift from grandma could be so small in volume?
<Tscully> I open it, and see the words "AOL Internet Trial CD" on the cover of a cardboard disc holder, with a 14-day AOL trial CD inside.
<Tscully> Confused, I asked her what it was.
<Tscully> She proudly proclaimed "I've bought you fourteen days of free internet!"
<Tscully> And that's why I hate christmas.

 

After living with his son for many years, an elderly Mexican man decides to move to a nursing home so he wouldn't burden his son and his family anymore.

Unfortunately, the Mexican nursing home was completely full, so he ended up at a nursing home filled with nothing but Italians.

After a few months of living there, the Mexican's family came to visit.

Son: "Hey dad, how are they treating you here?"
Father: "Oh, I love it here! They treat everyone so nice! There's a 80 year old musician that they call 'Maestro' , a 92 year old judge that everyone still calls 'Your Honor', and even though I haven't had sex in 35 years, they call me the 'F***ing Mexican'!

 

Probably been posted before but here it is again. The Physics of Santa and the Rebutal

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.



REBUTTAL

Rebuttal: Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish "study."

1) Flying reindeer
First, as admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
Second, as is widely known (due to the excellent historical documentary "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (a no punches pulled look at life in Santa's village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer - obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.

2) Number of households
This figure overlooks several key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is as a result several days after the Western Churches. So Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.
Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.
Third, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there are a significant number (on the order of several million) of one child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled and therefore disproportionately inclined towards being naughty, since it's the holidays we'll be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single child households from Santa's delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run. Alternately, what if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.
Fourth, this analysis has relied on a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighbourhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick our pockets would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.
Fifth, Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled areas near airports. He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East, and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.
So the number of homes Santa needs to visit is substantially reduced from the initial estimate.

3) Santa's delivery run
These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name "Santa" is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/Italian background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister Meisterburger, suggest he grew up in Bavaria (also predominantly Catholic). The Kaiser style helmets of the Burgermeister's guards, coupled with the relative isolation of the village, suggest that his youth was at the very beginning of Prussian influence in Germany. Thus, Santa and Mrs. Claus have been together for well over one hundred years. If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North Pole with nights six months long that they remain childless, you are insane. There have therefore been over five generations of Clauses, breeding for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their exponential population increase would obviously have a gain higher than the world population as a whole. There have therefore been more than enough new Santas to overcome the population increase of the world. So in fact, Santa has an easier time of it now than he did when he first started out.
As to speed, Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk.
But Santa only has reindeer, so where does he get the power to move that fast? You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.

Santa dead, indeed - some people will twist any statistic to "prove" their cynical theory.

 

Love it!

 

LMFAO!
The first time I read that, I must have skipped over the word "the" and just read "Queen Elizabeth"...

Oh well...even though it refers to a ship, I'm still going to add to your rep becasue I laughed so hard!

 

@Kitrax- I thought it was just Queen Elizabeth too at first...


Chuck Norris once played Oregon Trail but died before he made it to the Columbia river.

Chuck Norris once bought a shirt, but failed to realize that it wasn't pre-shrunk and after he washed it, it was too small for him.

Chuck Norris once accidentally hit the reset button on his Nintendo 64 while it was saving.

Chuck Norris once took a 2 week rock climbing course. His instructor said he was very good for a beginner.

Last month, the bank made an error regarding Chuck Norris' latest paycheck. He gave them a call, and was very respectful, but they said that he would have to wait several weeks to withdraw the money. Chuck was going to use that money to get his wife some fancy perfume for her birthday, but he understood, and decided to get her something less expensive instead.

 

I like the old Chuck Norris facts better:
-Chuck Norris once ate a whole jar of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
-Chuck Norris once set an ant on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
-The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
-Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
-Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
-Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
More chuck Norris Facts

 

OMFG I haven't laughed that hard in so long!
I love those Chuck Norris facts, especially his hand-picked favourites

This may suffer from censorship, not sure, I don't think it's quite THAT adult unless u understand the double entendre involved, but I bought a buddy of mine a blow-up doll for Christmas, the problem was that it went down on me so I decided to keep it...