Jokey Posties

That is a good one.

 

After a long Hiatus I figured I'd post a few,


A Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.



The old rancher says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there.”



The Water Representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand??”



The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's huge Brahman bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!'

______________________________________


Four married guys go fishing.
>
>
> After an hour, the following conversation took place:
>
> First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
> fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint
everyroom in the house next weekend."
>
> Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would
build her a new deck for the pool."
>
> Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that
I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish.
>
> When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked
> him.
> "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
> fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
>
>
> Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut
> off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and
> said: "Fishing or Sex?" she said: "Wear sun-block."

______________________________________________________

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Son, I can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What in the world are ya gonna do with a dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'Like I told you, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.

__________________________________________

> > > After 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed
> > > one evening, when the wife felt her husband fondling her in ways he
> > > hadn't in some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her
>
> > > neck, then caressed her shoulders and began moving down past the
> small
> >
> > > of her back. Slowly he worked his hand over her left arm, stopping
> > just over
> > > her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left
> > inner
> > > arm, caressed past the side of her arm again, working down her side,
>
> > > passing gently over her fanny and down her leg to her calf.
> Proceeding
> >
> > > up her leg, he stopped at the uppermost portion of her leg. He
> > > continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly
> stopped,
> >
> > > rolled over and became silent. Aroused by this caressing, she asked
> in
> >
> > > a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
> > >
> > > 'I found the remote .'
______________________________________________

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
____________________________________________


The fishing one works btw.

 

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He
shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to
prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you
are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you
15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I’m
still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine -
just released from active duty and newly registered in the class -
walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent
him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold!
At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion The young
Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell
silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young
Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and
could speak he asked: "What’s the matter with you? Why did you do
that?"

The Marine answered, "God was busy. He sent me."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in 1775, in Tun’s Tavern, recruiting started for the new Marine Corps. The very first Marine enlistee came in, signed the papers and took an oath. He was then told to go outside and wait for the other enlistee’s to go through the process. They would assemble later on the front yard.

After a few minutes the second enlistee came out and had a seat on the steps, beside the first. The first man looked at the second and began, "Son, let me tell you about the Old Corps."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

THE GENERAL
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to GOD.

THE COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with GOD.

THE LIEUTENANT COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in indoor swimming pool.
Talks with GOD if special request is approved.

THE MAJOR
Barely clears Quonset hut.
Looses tug of war with switch engine.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by GOD.

THE CAPTAIN
Makes high marks when trying to leap building.
Gets run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

THE FIRST LIEUTENANT
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of Mae West.
Talks to walls.

THE SECOND LIEUTENANT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building.
Bays "Look at the Choo-Choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.

THE NON-COMMISSIONED OFFICER
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
HE IS GOD.

 

Nice Martaug

 

I think those are like the only clean jokes i know

 

For the women on the boards....

THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said: 'HELL NO!'

And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End.

 

Montresor. Good.

From Highland-Humour

The Highlander, like all Scots, never forgets the field on which Scotland’s independence was finally gained; nor is he slow to joke his English friends about it, good-naturedly, when a chance occurs. One Englishman, who was finding fault with everything Scottish, said to a Highlander, that nobody who had once seen England, would ever think of coming and remaining in Scotland. The Highlander, who was a patriot, and bit of a wit, replied, “Well, tastes differ. I can take you to a place, not far from Stirling, where thirty thousand of your countrymen have been for five hundred years, and none of them have thought of leaving yet.”

 

A buddhist tells the hot dog vendor "Make me one with everything"

 

Haha. Simple yet effective.

 

Excellent, Montresor

 

Since it's election time a political joke

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.
There was, however, one exception.
A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal
Democrat."
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking.
My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."
The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She pauses in thought,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and lets out a smile. "Then," Lucy says, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."

 

haha true so true