Jokey Posties

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Appearantly, the Energizer Bunny was arrested.

He was charged with Battery.

 

Hehehe....this one's currently going around at my work:

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 20 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*** you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b**ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f***ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh**ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh**.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f***ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f***?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh** won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the h*** didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a**.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh** and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a**.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*** it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a**.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job f***ing sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*** died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr**k.

19) TRY SAYING: Could you lower your voice?
INSTEAD OF: Shut the f*** up!

20) TRY SAYING: Is the copier broken again?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f**k broke this piece of s**t again?

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

"The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising."

- William DeBuvitz, printed in The Physics Teacher, 1989

 

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

 

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?


BINGO!

 

Haha, this is awesome.

 

I was tempted to post this in the sensorium, but: some uncomfortable plot summaries:

300: Gays kill blacks.
ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.
RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.

More here.

 

A child, a civil servant, a businessman and a lawyer are asked to calculate two plus two.

The child immediately says: 4.
The public servant looks up the relevant regulation that refers him to the calculation table and reports: 3.87
The accountant starts calculating and eventually reports, that before taxes, the result is 1.69
The lawyer smirks and asks: What result do you want?

~*~​

Another lawyer joke:

Lawyer A: Your client broke that precious Ming vase he lent from my client.
Lawyer B: (a) My client never had that Ming vase, and (b) when my client got it it was already broken

 

An evil piggy is walking through the forest. It meets a fairy.
*Fairy*: "Usually, I grant three wishes to people, but since you are an evil little piggy, I'll grant you just one."
*Evil little piggy*: "Drop dead."

 

@ AMaster

STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.

haha, thanks for the link, they're really funny!

 

MJ jokes...

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?
A: There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect “10″?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: Did you know they’re putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

Q: What’s brown and often found in a baby’s diaper?
A: Michael Jackson’s hand.

 

Only some? I guess Blades isn't trying hard enough....

 

Tal- They are jokes, they make people laugh... i think if i posted them in the RIP thread, poor taste might be called upon, but in the jokes thread? If nothing happended to him yesterday, would they still be in poor taste? No, everyone would of laughed at them...more or less. But if you don't like it, i am sorry and i won't post those types ever again. I am a big fan of comedy, trying some stand-up myself in college. I have a very broad sense of humor and can get by just fine on these boards with out going so far with a wise-crack or two.

 

Well I really laughed at most of them. Yes it's poor taste, but that's what's funny. You laugh at how bad the joke is!

 

Ok Tal, i'll tune it down for now on then...