Jokey Posties

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Meh...It just goes to show that you Brits can't even handle drilling a hole.

 

And what would you have done dear? Shot it?

 

Thats why their girls come over here so much

 

No, as was suggested on Tosh.0, I would swim down there and plug that hole with my d**k!!!

 

The duck will be a lot smaller at 5000 feet with 150 Atmosphere

 

Perhaps it is one of the ones from the oasis adverts?

I can imagine the oil would play havoc with its composition however

 

Tar-feathered duck, wuth umploded eggs. Way to go, Kut! Would your Chuck approve?

Madre de Dios! El pato diablo! (Oh my god! The Demon Duck!)

 

I received this in an email:

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ....

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, carefully climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories. ​

 

Sylvester the cat was walking down an ordinary street in the business district. As he walked passed a small law firm (Deacon & Hayes) he looked at the window and saw a notice:

WANTED
Bilingual secretary​

Recently having been down on his luck, Sylvester decided to walk in and take a chance. He quickly noticed the applications that were stacked in a reception area and set to work.

After filling out the application the best he could (cat's don't have social security numbers, so that section was blank) he dropped it off at the front desk with a post-it attached. On this note it said that due to the complications of contacting a stray cat (no permanent address or phone number) he would stop by the next day for any news on the job.

The next day Sylvester barely had time to open the door before Mr. Hayes enthusiastically greeted him. You see, the senior partner was a man who felt strongly in hiring the most skilled employees, regardless of their background. He did have some hesitations over this applicant being a cat, but if the resume was accurate it didn't matter. Soon enough he was able to convince Deacon (who's more of a conservative when it comes to cat's in the workplace) to sign on the move.

One thing still needed answered as Mr. Hayes led Sylvester into the primary office to officially hire him (such was his enthusiasm). After quickly taking a seat he said that the application didn't cover the bilingual requirement and asked Sylvester if he spoke a second language.

The cat just gave a nod before replying,
"Arf."

...

This is a shameless expansion of my grandpa's favorite joke about the bilingual dog.

 

To honor the recent elections, I post this. I'm sure it's been posted before.


Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southern Republican (Redneck)?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:



You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children..

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What
do
you do?

................................................................

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:


Democrat's
Answer :


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor, oppressed or have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome?

Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire
him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids feelings?


Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Would Speaker Pelosi, Harry Reid, Obama, CNN approve of my actions?

What is the politically correct consensus anyway?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Hey,
why would "I" be carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?

Was the gun purchased at a gun show and legally registered with the FBI?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Shouldn't I just call
9-1-1?

Aren't the police supposed to save us?
Maybe we should form an armed 'Civilian Defense Corp' to rat out the bad guys!

Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this a happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior...

This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends over a latte' and try to come to a consensus.

.......................................................................


Republican's
Answer:


BANG!


..................................................................


Southern Republican's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

 

The true redneck son is complementing his dad on the modification of the weapon to give it a nine round magazine instead of the factory seven round capacity.

 

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

 

Now that's funny.

 

At first, I thought there wasn't a joke posted here but when I was in the middle of the thread, I'd notice that there are jokes that are so funny. Can't stop laughing on them.

 

Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2011 it will begin offering customers a new discount item... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brands and varieties. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.

 

A Tale of Two Coyotes

California

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop, the coyote is only doing what's natural.
2. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for disease.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail is shut down for 6 months, while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor next spends $50,000 in state funds, implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease, throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not somehow stopping the attack and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training "The Nature of Coyotes".
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas

The Governor of Texas is jogging, with his daughter's dog, along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out to attack her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his Ruger LCP that he keeps with him at all times and keeps jogging.
2. Texas buzzards eat the dead coyote.

The Governor has spent $0.35 on a .380 ACP hollow-point cartridge. Ruger hears of it and puts out a special edition of the "Coyote Special". My friend Skip and I buy one and the Govornor signs the box for us giving us a collectors piece.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke.