Jokey Posties

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T2, Ive heared that joke before, but as a gay couple

An Eskimo is driving through New Zealand when his engine begins to fail,
so he takes the car to a garage, and the mechanic looks at the engine
"you've blown a seal" he shouts to him.
The Eskimo looks at him and says "so what? you bugger sheep!"

 

The countries military status.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Retards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

Sorry dude, I didn't write it ^^

 

And it is funny......because it's true

 

One of parties (the political type), back in 1999, realeased this as part of their platform - an absolute brilliant piece of work.

They got 3,191 votes, coming to a grand total of 0.15% of the total votes cast that year - an all time low for them, leading to the de-registration of the party.

 

Sometimes I laugh so hard that tears run down my leg....

 

How do you know a ranger tried to raid your house?

Your cat is camping his corpse

 

Some new ones I rec'd so far this year...

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched, as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On teh card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, Two without. Send extra sauce!


You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Answer below.




Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

 

My father believed in the importance of education, and to that end once brought a lie-detecting robot home to teach us about honesty.
At dinner, dad asked me how school had gone that day. When I answered "Oh, just fine," the darn robot motored across the kitchen and whacked me upside the head!
"Wanna answer that again?" asked dad.
"I skipped school today and went to my friend's house to watch a movie" I muttered.
"And what movie did you watch?"
"Uh, a John Wayne movie!" I said, without skipping a beat. Whack! The robot gave me another cuff upside the head.
"Wanna answer that again?" asked my father.
I hesitated, then reluctantly mumbled the truth. "We watched a porn movie."
"Porn?!" my father yelled, "When I was your age I didn't even know what porn is!"
Whack! This time, the robot hit my dad!
My mother broke out in laughter and said, "Ha! You can sure tell he's your son!"
At which point, whack! The robot hauled off and cuffed my mom!

 

George Carlin was shocked to find himself at the Pearly Gates and standing off to the side he saw Richard Pryor. "Hey Rich- what gives? I didn't believe in God but I thought for sure you'd make it."

Pryor turns to Carlin and said "Hey George- turns out God does have a sense of humor- He says that any comic that can make him laugh gets into Heaven, regardless of how they felt about Him. The only thing is- what kind of joke can you tell that God hasn't heard? I'm stumped." Carlin says "Rich- we were two of the funniest dudes that ever lived- if we work together I bet we can both get in. Let's do it!"

So after what seems like an eternity Carlin and Pryor finally create the Ultimate Joke- something they're sure God has never heard. They walk back to the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter stops them with an outstretched hand. "You know the rules boys- what have you got?"

So the two start into their new routine and soon all of the other souls approaching the gates are rolling around in hysterics- but St. Peter barely even smiles. "Sorry boys- but it's been done. Now scram!"

"What do you mean it's been done?" they scream. "By who?"

St. Peter says "Well Paul Rodriguez died in a car crash last week and says he thought it up all by himself. You should have been here- God loved it!"

 

It's about time we had more jokes in here. Bad ones, at that!

There are two types of people in this world;

1) Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data


--


Why did the French chef top himself?

He'd lost the Huile d'Olive.

 

Once upon a time there were two youths in love. They met in grade school and instantly knew that they would be married and be with each other forever. Their families became close friends and as they grew older it became more and more obvious to everyone that they were destined to be together.

At high school graduation this fine young man dropped down to a knee and proposed to the love of his life. She accepted and the entire auditorium erupted in cheers. The two of them were so well known that the entire town and even some of the surrounding areas were happy for them.

One week before their wedding they decided to go to the movies to relax as the stress of the wedding was getting to be enormous. Well disaster struck. On their way home the car they were driving was struck by a drunk driver and they both perished. The entire county showed up for the funeral and it was a dark time for the community.

When the two youngsters arrived at the Pearly Gates they were greeted by St. Peter. He announced that even heaven knew of their love and wanted to know what they could do. Sheepishly, they asked for an audience with God himself. St. Peter ushered them in to God's private chambers and they asked of God "God, we have been in love for so long and we never got to get married. Would it be possible to get married in heaven?" Well God thought that would be a great thing and an event unlike any heaven had had in quite some time. They were shown their "cloud" and God told them he would get back to them with the details.

Well a few centuries pass and they never hear anything from God so they request another audience to find out what is going on. God informs them to be patient as he is working on it.

A few more centuries pass and God summons them to his chambers and informs them that everything is all set and they will be married on the next Sunday and all of the angels of heaven will be there.

It was an amazing ceremony and the reception was something that would never be topped again. The now married couple retired to their little slice of heaven to live out their afterlife together as they always intended.

A couple of months go by and they request another audience with the almighty. While meeting with him they declare "God, we can't stand each other anymore and would like to get a divorce. Can you help us?"

God looks wearily into his hands and says "Are you kidding me, it took me four hundred years to find a priest up here, and now you want me to find a lawyer??"

 

It's been scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 3.5 inches. It also doesn't seem to matter if it is a Visa or a Master Card.


A blond drops off her black dress at the cleaners. On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again". The blond says "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosy *****."

 

A Newton is a unit of force.
A Pascal is a unit of pressure and is given by the force (in Newtons) in a square meter. Thus one Newton of force in one square meter is equal to one Pascal. 1 Pascal is equal to 6890psi (pounds per square inch).

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

Maybe I'm just not getting the first joke but you've got it backwards ... 6,895 Pascal equals 1 psi.

 

A man found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms.

A breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

A nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Then, can I feel your breasts?"

 

The Gay Cowboy!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


P.S.
I didn't see it coming, either