Jokey Posties

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Lol I thought i had put bash at the bottom...guess someone got an odd IM

 

Bob and Bill were drinking one afternoon when Bob tells Bill, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it a little different."
"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Bill asks Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

 

Another one ripped from a forward:

> > A father and son went hunting
> together for
> > the first time. The father said,
> "Stay here
> > and be very QUIET. I'll be across
> the
> > field."
> >
> > A few minutes later, the father
> heard a
> > bloodcurdling scream and ran back
> to his
> > son. "What's wrong?" the father
> asked. "I
> > told you to be quiet."
> >
> > The son answered, "Look, I was
> quiet
> > when the snake slithered across
> my feet.
> > I was quiet when the bear
> breathed down
> > my neck. I didn't move a muscle
> when the
> > skunk climbed over my shoulder. I
> closed
> > my eyes and held my breath when
> the
> > wasp stung me. I didn't cough
> when I
> > swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
> or
> > scratch when the poison oak
> started
> > itching. But when the two
> chipmunks
> > crawled up my pant legs and said,
> > 'Should we eat them here or take
> them
> > with us?' Well, I guess I just
> panicked."

 

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they wil not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said,"Go ahead, Father......... Next!"

 

The world according to America

Sorry if this offends anyone.

 

@greystar it would be funnier if it wasn't so true

 

Some misconceptions, but for the most part right on the money.

1. We know how big Mexico is. If anything, we think it's even bigger. (WTF do all these immigrants keep coming from!?! )
2. Don't forget Hawaii; we never do.
3. South America is full of druglords, not dragons.
4. We take the long way (hopping over Yurp) to bomb places like Russia, because we can't understand the International Date Line. Going forward 23 hours is okay, but we just can't handle going backward an hour and forward a day at the same time. That just doesn't make any sense!
5. Australia is not on the map. If it were to be on the map, it would be in the same place as Antarctica, and the two landmasses existing in the same space-time coordinates would cause a new Big Bang. Australia is instead a made-up place like Atlantis, and we do not believe anyone who says they've been there. More likely they were abducted by aliens (or experimented on by the government if they actually paid to fly to an imaginary place) and made up this "Australia" delusion to repress the memories. People who say they are from Australia are really from an even more backward region of Canada and just don't want to admit it.

 

I can GUARANTEE that that will offend some people, despite the fact that it is mildy amusing.

 

I don't find any of that funny at all, Fel
Plus that Australia bit boshed my skull out

American humour 'really sux man'

That thing from Greystar made me chuckle, but I've seen it before

 

Haha, considering my cynicism and hate towards my country (America), I found that comically true...

And teekc, that was great

 

Triplets have been born to a computer programmer: Untitled1, Untitled2, Untitled3

***

Male solidarity and female solidarity

Female solidarity

A wife comes back home late at night and drunk. Husband asks where she was. She says, "I was with Alice." He says, "I don't believe you." So she tells him to phone her. "Hello, Alice. Was Jane with you tonight?" "Well, John, that's a delicate matter. She's cheating on you. Take a bottle of good red wine and come round in the evening, so I can explain everything."

Male solidarity

A husband comes back home late at night and drunk and the wife asks where he was. "With George," he says, "and we played cards." "Oh really?" "Yes, you can phone him and check." So she phones George, "Hello, George. Was Jack with you tonight?" "Oh yes, he was." "And were you playing cards all the time?" "Sure. We still are."

***

It's a customs officer's birthday and his colleagues are thinking of a gift for him. "Hmm... perhaps a super duper house cinema?" "Naah. He has one in the kitchen and another in the garage." "So maybe a BMW7?" "His wife and each of his kids drive one." "Ermmm... So maybe we'll just leave him alone on the shift?" "Are you crazy?"

 

[Ok, so I don't know if I should post this here, but is funny so here is...]

ORLANDO, Fla. - Deputy Ed Johnson was in uniform. He was also sitting in his marked patrol car. So he was a bit surprised when a man approached Friday and allegedly offered to sell him some cocaine.

Michael Garibay walked up to Johnson's car at a Mobil gas station and asked the Orange County deputy if he was "straight," according to arrest records.

When Johnson replied he was, Garibay responded "Do you know what that means? .... It means do you want to buy some cocaine."

When Johnson said "yes," Garibay pulled out a plastic bag containing "several pieces of flat white rocks substances" and asked for cash, records show.

The deputy took the bag and arrested Garibay after the contents tested positive for cocaine, the Orlando Sentinel reported on its Web site.

Garibay was being held Friday in the Orange County Jail on $7,500 bail for alleged possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of marijuana with intent to distribute.

 

Hah, he got what he deserved.

 

@The world according to America

Funny coz it's true

@Saber

If you hate your country so much then move

Ok, joke time.

Excerpts From A Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVOURITE!
8:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING ON THE BED! MY FAVOURITE!

Excerpts From A Cat's Daily Diary

DAY 183

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasioinal piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attmept to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell of food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously some half-wit. the bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[ February 13, 2006, 15:39: Message edited by: JiggaJay ]

 

Great stuff, JiggaJay!

 

@JiggaJay: My hero!
You're my idol too!
But you do cause me trouble at school, cracked up so badly that the teacher came to see what was the problem, thought I was .
No matter, nobody understands me, I'm a genius you see.

 

A husband, wife, and their 9 children are waiting at a bus stop in Utah. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus.
The husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus now, so shut the hell up!"

 

The poor Welsh and Manx are always forgotten by the Americans

 

Lol Kitrax love that one, classic.

 

@Cuchulainn If only we english could forget the welsh