Jokey Posties

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I still like the:
"There are 10 kinds of people: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

The cat one was pretty funny.

 

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

 

Getting In To Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch
her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell
into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge
where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

 

Disorder In The Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

___________________________


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WTNES: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

___________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

Anyone who didnt laugh at that has had a really bad day.

 

Stolen quite blatantly from my Daily Dilbert (with apologies to Scott Adams) because it's just so damn funny.

Boss: Company policy says that space heaters are not allowed in cubicles.
Employee: My heater doesn't heat space. It heats the air in my cubicle. That's okay, right?
Boss: Why would anyone heat "space"?
Employee: It keeps Uranus warm.

 

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not quite dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts.

Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." He said "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before."

 

Have a Coke and a Smile.....

Two Crees boarded a flight out of Winnipeg. One sat in the window seat and the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a Blackfoot got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Crees. The Blackfoot kicked off his moccasins, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Cree in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."

"No problem" said the Blackfoot, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you!" While he was gone, one of the Cree picks up the Blackfoot guy's moccasin and spits in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other Cree said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Blackfoot said "Not a problem" and while he was gone the other Cree picks up the other moccasin and spits in it.

The Blackfoot returned and they all sat back and enjoyed
the rest of the flight. As the plane was landing, the Blackfoot slipped his feet into his moccasins and knew immediately what had happened. "My brothers, how long must this go on?" the Blackfoot asked. "This fighting between our tribes? This Hatred? This animosity? This spitting in moccasins and peeing in Cokes?"

 

DarkStrider they are magnificent!

It is the funniest thing I see in these days rotflmao
and that one is the second funniest one

 

I know the worst part is they are real courtroom scenes

 

ROTFLMAO

 

The Cardiologists' Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted

 

Good one, Arahar.

 

Thanks Ara that cheered us all up at work on a monday morning

 

I do what I can.

 

This is a little vulgar/crude...but so funny


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other and just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood she looks up at me and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

O-M-F-G!

That was friggin' awsome!

 

Seeing how my wife dooesn't read these posts, I will aggree with Kitrax, very funny.

 

Brilliant


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"

[ April 11, 2006, 13:01: Message edited by: DarkStrider ]

 

Lmao Dark...nice. I've seen that somewhere before though.

heres another one you should be glad your wife can't see


A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads,' For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and thin.'

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'

[ April 12, 2006, 06:50: Message edited by: LoS_DrIzZt4 ]