POLL: Spanking

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I agree with that - which is why I don't think you need to use physical spankings.

People have mentioned the Supernanny show a bit here. If we do want to learn how to be good parents from TV (do we?) then there is another show that is much better called "Little Angels". It's the same idea but the woman on that show is a psychologist who doesn't use as much of the dramatic showmanship of the Supernanny. The 'Little Angels' approach is blindingly simple and mostly revolves around engaging your children when they are being good and not rewarding bad behaviour with attention. This sounds a bit like what Aikanaro said - in his example, he was looking for any attention he could get, positive or negative, and his Mum refused to play the game. This is a popular tactic with toddlers and their tantrums. A toddler who gets yelled at or picked up, or even hit when they have a tantrum, will continue to use that tactic whenever they feel they want some attention. Our son used to have some pretty intense tantrums, but we just ignored him, and they always ran out of steam after a few minutes, after which he would toddle over and join in on what ever new toy or book I seemed to be so interested in on the other side of the room.

 

When I was in a relationship where I was helping to raise a young boy, I spanked but very rarely. I've always viewed spanking as a tool and not the lesson. It drives the point home so to speak.

The main thing I carry with me though is never to spank out of anger. When you spank out of anger that classifies as abuse. You're causing physical pain to someone to alleviate your own bad mood.

Like I mentioned, it was rare that the young lad received a spanking. Most of the time, a look or a tone of voice was enough of a cue or enough intimidation to make him realise not to do something. The key thing though is I always followed up as to why he shouldn't do "X".

I was spanked as a kid and it didn't do any permanent harm to me. I made sure I never did anything to deserve a spanking in the future. Spanking should be used rarely and is no substitution for good parenting, love, communication and explanation. Like it's been said, kids are smarter than people give them credit for. They constantly test their limits as a way to learn and explore the world around them. They don't do it with any malevolence, it's simple curiosity in most cases.

When I have kids again (the boy wasn't mine by blood so his mother took him away in order to hurt me) I'm going to try and avoid spanking as much as I can, but if I must it'll be with a heavy heart, compassion and a sound explanation as to why. By no means will I beat the tar out of the kid, but a firm tap to leave a sting and a lasting memory that extreme disbehaviour carries extreme consequences.

 

Well, from a psychological perspective, the most important thing (for young kids) is the immediacy of the punishment. This is where taking toys away, reducing allowance, etc. can become troublesome. If you can't do it right then and there, it doesn't work.
As for spanking in specific, I was spanked as a child and it worked. My brother, on the other hand, has always had a very high pain tollerance and was just an a**, so spanking or getting 'serious talks' didn't work, but he was also impatient, so time-outs were perfect, and that's what my parents used. They tried it on me once, but I'm very patient, so it didn't work at all. A good parent should have many punishments available, as well as many rewards, and they should be immediate, as well, at least for kids under 8~12. After that, delayed gratification/punishment can become even more effective than immediate.
The idea that violence only teaches kids to be violent themselves cannot be farther from the truth. Abuse generally leads to abuse, sure, but I was spanked and I've never been a violent kid. My brother was never spanked and he was one of the most violent kids I've known.
SuperNanny knows her stuff, but that is only one method of doing things and it won't work for everyone. I've also seen her using spankings for families that didn't discipline much and nothing else was working. Her platform was that spanking is a tool to be used by those that won't let anger take control, and she prefered to use it last, since she doesn't know much about the families she's dealing with.
In the end, spanking should be one method of punishment, and it should be applied consistently. If you decide to punish one act with spanking, keep punishing it with that unless it doesn't seem to work. Don't wait until you get home to spank your kids if, say, you're in the grocery store. This will only teach them that they can mess with stuff as much as they want and that mommy, or daddy, spanks for no reason, pretty much the worst case scenario.

 

i think spanking has its place but , as was said by many others, in a very narrow framework.

thinking back to my (misbehaving) youth, mom was a switch using prayer.
she would hold on to one hand and swing the switch with the other (hitting somewhere between shoulders and feet) praying the whole time to jesus not to kill me!
all the while i'm running in a circle around her trying to get away thinking i'm the one that needs to be praying!
dang , i was hard-headed as a kid.
still am

 

there is no authority without a healthy dose of fear, i and my 2 brothers were spanked, daniel has a degree and is travelling the country working on footloose, ive recently left the forces looking to go into the civillian police and chris has already started a family. look at how society has changed because of the restraint parents show now by reducing the fear, i would happily walk the streets at night 15 years ago without worrying about happy slappers, underaged drinkers and groups of teenaged yobs. now they exist and do you know the only thing the understand? being strongarmed.

 

That's an interesting example, Soshino, but still does not suggest that it applies to everyone. I was never ever ever hit as a child and I also like to think I turned out OK (although I don't know what a 'happy slapper' is - sounds like someone who hits you and smiles about it). There's probably more to raising a child that determines how they'll end up than just whether someone whacks them or not. I bet many of the ill-disciplined teenagers you talk about had parents who neglected them as kids, did not spend quality time with them, and did not get involved in their education. They may or may not have been hit by their parents.

 

Harbs, 'happy slapping' is a craze in Britain where 2 or more yobs will jump someone, kick his head in and record it on a camera phone. Then share their hilarious video with all their mates.
It's just young chavs who do it really.

 

or rape someone and film it on a phone to share with their entire school

 

Have you seen the show Super Nanny? Its a shame she doesn't spank... I wish she'd spank me... >.>
<.<

 

Jig, you have problems. As for discipline and a good upbringing, as usual, there's more to the story than just one element, but take any one piece out and the whole suffers. If you raise your kids without any kind of discipline, they will turn out worse than if you raised them with discipline. If you raise them without compassion, they'll turn out worse than if you raised them with it. Every part is important and the 'punk kids' that do things like that are usually the product of many different failings, not just one or two.

 

I agree. Spanking or not spanking, in isolation from all those other factors, probably actually makes no difference at all (although I still plan not to do it)

 

The issue, however, is whether or not spanking in itself is good or bad, helpful or detrimental. The answer, from my experience, is that proper application is quite helpful and that it can be one of the only means of discipline that effectively work. It sure was for me.

 

Hmm...I haven't really gone through the couple of pages of debate here...but I will say this.

There were some times when I was little that getting a cuff round the ear stopped me from being a right annoying brat. I'd definitely advocate its use, but not off-hand on a daily basis or anything. Only as a last resort in a worst case scenario.

 

I'm not surprised to find out that the folks who do not have children are stronger advocates for spanking than are the parents. I wonder what would happen if I asked this same group these questions in 10-20 years or so?

I wish the single vote for regular spanking would post in the topic, so we could learn more about what s/he condisers both "spanking" and "regular" to mean. If you're out there, I promise that *I* won't flame you!

There was an interesting discussion at lunch yesterday. One co-worker has an 11-year-old cousin who she calls the Devil Child. Apparently the boy refuses to listen, curses, gives attitude, etc. I pointed out that these were failings on the part of the parents - they allowed him to get away with that behavior instead of putting a stop to it promptly, and teaching him proper discipline and manners. She denied that this was the case, blaming the boy and saying he's been "bad" since he was 6 months (!) old. That's so very wrong on so many levels that I don't know where to begin!

Yes, my co-worker is young (25) and single, with no kids.

 

Why wasnt there a spanking is never an option? The word spanking brings up picture in my mind of systematically beating your child while having it over your knee and that is never appropriate in my opinion. Grabbing and slapping fingers and the like can sometimes be called for but not what I think of when someone says spanking.

 

That's not my idea of spanking. Spanking is when your kid does something extremely naughty, so you clip him on the backside or on the hand and tell him/her never to let you see them do it again.

Going back long after the incident and putting them over your knee to give them several cracks is just sadism, not parenting .

But, as said earier, depends on each kid. Some children will listen to their parents when told not to do something. Others can be taught to listen by being grounded or 'time-outs' as some of you put it. Other kids need to be taught to listen by having the odd smack.

Different tactics work on different kids at the end of the day, and that's the end of it. I know some parents who have right little **** kids and let them do whatever. When told not to do something, they just refuse to listen. What kids like that need is a good clip around the ear hole and then they might listen. Little bastard kids need a firmer line and some people are too soft to give it to them. That's why you get little chavy drug-taking, vandalizing teenagers.

 

That, and not being taught as kids about how to feel good about their achievements to have high levels of self esteem. Punishment is just one small element of parenting. You still have to get the rest of it right as well!