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How odd to think that someone might not know what a budgie is. Budgie is short for budgerigar. A Budgerigar is a pet bird, a bit like a canary or a very very small parrot. Pretty common pet for kids.

 

Never heard of it. I think it's awesome how different the same language can be in different countries.

A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree when a lizard walks up. The lizard says to the monkey, "Whatcha doin man?" The monkey tells him he's smoking a joint, and offers to share it with the lizard. The lizard climbs up and takes a few hits. After a while the lizard gets thirsty and tells the monkey he is going down to the lake to get a drink. (Y'all know what I'm talking about, right? ) Well, the lizard's so stoned, when he leans down to the water he falls in. A crocodile sees this, and goes over to the lizard and nudges him out of the water. He says to the lizard: "What's up with you, dude?" The lizard tells him about the monkey and the joint, and the croc decides he's gotta see this for himself so he goes over to the tree and looks up at the monkey. After about a minute, the monkey realizes the croc is down there. He does a double take and exclaims: "DUDE! How much water did you DRINK!"

A bear is taking a dump in the woods when a white rabbit comes up. Being a social creature the bear looks at the rabbit and says: "Do you ever have trouble with **** sticking to your fur?" Rabbit says "Naw man, not me." The bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his a$$ with him.

 

lol try exchanging budgie for hamster, or any other small pet. It's generally swapable!

 

@ Ravynn- I believe the stoned monkey joke has already been posted here... meh, its not the end of the world.

 

Eh. Sorry.

 

Don't worry about it, it happens.

 

@Ravyn: Yes I am the guilty party that fished that one out, it does make me ROLTLMFAO!!!

 

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead!

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was tied to the first monkey!

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure!

How did the cyclist die?
Hit by three falling monkeys!

 

Question:
In 3 steps, put a giraffe inside the refrigirator.

Answer:
1. Open the ref.
2. Put giraffe in the ref.
3. Close the ref.

Question:
In 4 steps, put an elephant in the refrigirator.

Answer:
1. We open the ref.
2. We take out the giraffe.
3. We put elephant in the ref.
4. We close the ref.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's not funny. But allow me to let it out.

 

Tarzaan made his jungle call, all animals came expect one. Which one?

Elephant, because it is in the fridge, still.
(ask this question to your friends at least 1/2 hr later after you asked Nior's questions)

By the way,
Since when does the ad on this board has sound? Scared the hell out of me.

 

Looks like you beat me to it teekc, I was actually saving that for after a couple of other jokes.

 

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: BORN A VIRGIN - LIVED AS A VIRGIN - DIED A VIRGIN.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully in her sleep. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small
piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:




"RETURNED UNOPENED"

 

that made me laugh. Thank you, Pac man.

 

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

A husband and wife are in church during a particularly long sermon.

Husband: “I think my butt cheeks have fallen asleep”.
Wife: “I thought so! I’ve been hearing them snoring for over an hour!”

 

@Rolsuk:

 

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

 

I suppose you have noticed the tongue-twister preventing me from getting that for 2 or 3 seconds.

Rolsuk Fryulee: XD, but that's a bit stereotypical. Girls: We're not THAT bad. Usually. Sometimes. If we are, just consider that we cope with you getting PMS every month.

 

A Dumb Blonde Joke (Haven't seen it posted before on here)

A blonde gets a new puzzle and spreads the pieces all over her kitchen table, but she has no idea where to begin, so she decides to phone her boyfriend to ask for help.

"Hey honey, I have a new puzzle, but I simply don't know where to begin!"
"Well, what is the puzzle of?"
"On the box it's a tiger, will you come over and help me?"
"okay then, I'll be around soon."

When he gets there the blonde leads him through to the kitchen, he takes one look at the table where all the pieces are and turns to his girlfriend.

"Look, dear, three things... first of all, there is no way we can complete this puzzle. Secondly no matter what we do we cannot make this into a tiger."

He sighed and took her by the hand

"Now, let's put the Frosties back in the box."

 

LMAO 8 ppl, nice