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A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the backseat.

"Sir," he says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man replies.

"Prove it," says the cop.

The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as two men drive by.

"Man," says the one guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

 

adding to Jaguar's 9 things i hate about everyone,

10. When poeple ask "what are you doing now" over the phone.

 

A man walks into a bar and says, ouch.

 

I have one that's a little gross...but I still like it. It's a Jeffrey Dahlmer joke and for those of you who don't know who he was: homosexual serial killer who ate his victims.


Jeffrey and his mother always had a very good relationship when he was growing up. So, one Sunday afternoon he invited her over for a a big formal dinner. They chit chatted for a bit and then sat down at the table. As she started in on her first course, in between mouthfuls she said, shaking her head:

"You know, Jeffie....I've been meaning to talk to you about something. I really don't approve of the young men you've been hanging around with lately."

And Jeffie responds, eyebrows raised:

"Oh?....well, ok....then you'd better just stick to your salad."

 

A cop stops a woman for speeding. Hee looks at her drivers license, then says, "Your license says you need to wear glasses"

She says "but officer -- I have contacts"

The officer replies, "I don't care who your friends are ... you need to wear glasses."

 

A man's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

Little Tommy was struggling to pass maths. He wasn't very interested in the subject, so he didn't really dedicate it the time he perhaps should, and therefore he always did poorly.

His parents had tried different methodologies and had sent him to different schools. He had done grinds on summer and no luck. As a final attempt to make his child pass maths with good grades, his parents decided to send him to a Catholic school run by priests. This was an act born out of desperation, as both parents were atheists.

The very first day, Tommy came back from school, and without a word he went up to his room and started studying maths. He later came down for dinner, then went up again and studied maths until he fell asleep.

The parents were astonished, and even more when Tommy's mid term grades came. He had the highest mark in the class, and his work had even been praised by his teacher. Baffled, the parents went to his son's room and asked him about what had caused the change.

'Well' said Tommy, 'when I first entered the class and saw that guy nailed to the "plus" sign, I knew they didn't take failure lightly...'

[ July 08, 2005, 17:12: Message edited by: Colthrun ]

 

A joke from Cork

Phone in competition

 

Science Joke: Two atoms are walking down the street, when one of them trips and loses an electron.

The one still standing asks "Are you okay?"

The one on the ground says "Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"


---------------

What's the difference between a shopping bag and Micheal Jackson?

One's plastic and dangerous to children, the other holds groceries.

 

I love that atom joke for some reason. It's short and corny. Brilliant.

 

Thanks. Try telling it to your Physics teacher. He completely cracked up.

 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son, Johnny, comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that Johnny is in there already.


Johnny says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Johnny - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Johnny - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Johnny - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Johnny - "$150"
Man - "Sold."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that Johnny and the lover are in the closet together.


Johnny - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Johnny - "I have a Wilson fielder’s glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks Johnny, "How much?"
Johnny- "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."


A few days later, the father says to Johnny, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.
Johnny says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove. "The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Johnny -"$500” The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes Johnny sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. Johnny says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that bull s*** again, you're in my closet now."

 

@biffie: Someone's already told that.

 

Dang.

 

Oh well, it happens. To paraphrase Biffie's second one: (warning: offensive)

What's the difference between a Russian woman and a Yeti?

One's 7 foot tall and covered in hair. The other is a myth.

 

Nice one in deed nior! Cracked like mad, everyone thinks I'm crazy now

 

in my previous bar joke thread, someone posted this,

an electron walked into a bar
"i think i lost my electron here last night"
"are you positive?"

 

What? He lost himself?


Blatantly stolen from www.bash.org :
A friend of mine went to jail last night; he probably isn't getting out for a while. See, it was a girl cop, and she was pretty cute too. Apparently, she told him that "anything you say can and will be held against you." So, he sat there for a while, then looked at her, and said "Your breasts..."

 

Well, that was paraphrased, Yirimyah... it was a bit dirtier at Bash.

 

It was indeed, but I needed to get rid of the IRC-speak, punctuate it, and get it past the censor. So I just redid the whole thing.
Thanks for sending me there BTW, it's a nice thing to laugh at during the holidays.