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An old man and his wife have gone to bed,after laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says "one nil"....his wife rolls over says "what in the world was that?" the old man replies fart football!
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says "goal, one all" after about 5 minutes the old man farts again and says "goal, two-one" not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says "goal,two-all" five seconds go by and she lets out another and says "goal,three-two" now the pressure is on,the old man refused to be beaten by a woman,so he strains real hard but to no avail,realising defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got but instead sh*ts the bed,the wife looks and says "what in Gods name was that?" the old man replies "half time,switch sides"


If this is only English humour, I apologise!

 

Barmy, your jokes keep getting better.

<Dalveen does his Teletubbies impression> Again Again! Again Again!

 

What's red, green and goes 300 RPM?

A frog in a blender.

 

Leave this thread and never return, Arabwel!

 

Hey, at least I did not start with the dead baby jokes!

 

I know plenty of dead baby jokes myself.

Anyway, some of the wording on this may be awkward but it's been a while since I actually heard it so bear with me:
Two guys are playing golf one weekend and playing well when they notice a few holes ahead are two women playing somewhat slower than they are.
Eventually the men have almost caught up to the women and are just finishing on their hole as the women head to the next one.
So one guy says to the other "I'll just duck up and see if they mind letting us play through, I'll be back in a sec"
So the guy gets about halfway before he turns around and comes back. Then he says "You won't believe this mate, one of those women up there is my wife and the other's my mistress! Could you go ask if we can play through?"
"Sure mate" was the other guys reply. So the second guy starts wlking and gets about halfway himself before coming back and saying "You're not going to believe this mate..."

 

A guy has a dream in which he's Asian. He wakes up disoriented.

 

A middle age man is in a bar, sitting in front of a glass just watching at it for about an hour, then a big truck driver arrives and drinks from that glass, the poor man starts to cry so the truck drivers says:
-oh, don't take it so bad, I just buy you another drink!
The man says:
-oh, you don't understand, I just had a very bad day: 1- I arrived a little late at my work so I got fired; then when I get where I parked my car I've noticed that my car was stolen, when I arrived home my wife was cheating on me with another man and when finally I came here to end all of this you just drank my poison...

 

A man goes into a bar and says to the Barman "If I show you someting cool, can I have a few drinks?" The barman says "Sure mate" The man takes out a tiny piano. The barman says "thats not so cool but here is a drink anyway" The man finishes his drink and says "NOw I have something really cool to show you" then he takes out a man that is around 1' tall and it walkes over the the piano and starts to play. The barman is amazed and offers the man lots of free drinks. The barman askes "Where did you get that short guy and piano?" The man replies "I asked this magical stone". The barman askes if he can try it out and the man gives him the stone. 12000 dogs come rushing into the bar and the barman says "That stone is very cool but its not working very well is it? I wanted lots of money (pounds £'s for the non-British here" The man replies "Well why did you think I would ask a 12 inch pianist!"

[ November 18, 2004, 09:26: Message edited by: Cesard ]

 

Blatantly stolen from Desperado...

A guy walks into a bar;
he says,. "Hey bartender, I have a bet for you." he then points at an empty glass, a good 10 feet from where he's standing. "I'll bet you three hundred dollars that I can pee into the glass from here."
The bartender looks at him, looks at the glass and then back at him. "From here? You're on."
So, the guy takes out his equipment and starts; he manages to pee on the floor, on the bar, on the phone, heck, on the bartender, even... anywhere but the glass
The bartender starts to laugh, "You idiot! You owe me 300 dollars!"
[ So the guys is "Wait just a moment," and goes to the guys playing pool at the other side of the room; he talks to them for a moment, comes back and give the bartender 300 dollars, smiling. "Here you go"
The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy? You just lost 300 dollars?"
"Well, see those guys there? I bet 500 with each of 'em that you'd not only let me pee on your floor and your bar and pee on YOU, but you would be happy about it!"

**

with much apologies to Quentin Tarantino

 

Haha I thought I've heard it from somewhere.

Here's mine which I've also heard somewhere else (I don't have that good a imagination)

A guy walks into a bar and asks for six wiskey's.
The bartender pours up six wiskey's, and asks why.

"I've just found my uncles gay"
Fair enough the bartender thinks.

Next day the guy asks for the same thing.
The bartender amazed pours up six wiskey's, and asks why?
"I've just found my brothers gay"

When the guy asks for the same thing the next day,
The bartender pours up six wiskey's, and asks "for god's sake isn't there anyone in your family who likes women?"

The guy empty's the drinks, looks at the bartender and replies "Yes, my wife".

 

a man walks into a bar.

Ouch

*crickets*

 

A man goes up to his son and says :
"Son, I want you to marry the girl I choose for you." The son looks shocked and replies
"But father, I want to marry for love. I will choose my own wife." the man looks annoyed but replies
"I want you to marry Bill Gates daughter." The son thinks for a while and replies
"Well... in that case..."

The same man then goes and finds Bill Gates
"Sir, I would like to offer a husband for your daughter." Gates looks rather annoyed.
"I'm not having just anyone marry my daughter." the man smiles and replies
"But this man is vice president to a bank." Gates thinks for a while and replies
"Well... in that case..."

Next this man goes into a bank and asks to see the manager, he goes up to him and says:
"I have a perfect candidate for vice president of your bank." The bank manager sighs
"A lot of people say that, but I have enough for now. And enough offers." the man nods but still says
"But this man is Bill Gates son in law."
"Well... in that case..."

And that is how business is done.

 

I couldn't resist, sorry.

There once lived a very powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was
searching for the best one. All candidates were to report to the palace in one year. The year passed, and on the appointed day, only 3 people showed up for the trials:

....a Japanese Samurai

....a Chinese Samurai

....and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the new chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee.
Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "This is impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly.
Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: "That is really VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and repeated the same challenge. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!
....
But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill".

 

Okay, four jokes coming right up (cause it's probably not allowed to post them seperately ) Anti - christian, anti - atheist, anti - Mexican and anti - Jewish... what a selection!

1)A man died and woke up on a cloud. He looks around, marvelling at the scenery below and around him, then notices the Pearly Gates up in the distance. Between them is a massive, coiling line of clouds packed with millions of people. He gets up and asks a man standing next to him, wearing the regalia of a bishop, what's going on. "They're adjudicating on a matter of protocol." the bishop replies. They stood there for ages, although time does not pass normally in Heaven, untill a great commotion arose and the Gates finally opened. "What was that all about?" the man asked the bishop, who doesn't appear to have heard him, but turns to the man and yells: "Hurrah! We're in! F*****g doesnn't count!"

2) An atheist was going for a walk on a hillside when he tripped. He rolled, fell, and went over a cliff edge, just managing to grab a shrub growing out of the side of the chasm. "HELP!" he yelled. "Is anyone there? Help!"
And the clouds parted, a shaft of light shot down and illuminated the atheist, and behold, a mighty voice replied. "I am here for you, my son. Trust in me. Let go the shrub." "Let go the shrub." the voice repeated.
The atheist hung there for a long moment, then yelled "Is anyone ELSE there?!"

3) A man was standing in a bathroom at the urinal, when another man walked in. Without turning his head, the newcomer asked "Excuse me, would I be right in supposing you are Jewish?" The man was startled, as he was not wearing any distinguishing religous clothing. "Yes, I am." he told the stranger. "And you are about 54 years old?" continued the stranger. "Also correct. How do you know this?" replied the man. The newcomer ignored him, and continued "And at your circumcision you were cut by Rabbi Finklebaum?" The man was shocked. "How do you know this?!" he said. And the stranger told him, "Because Rabbi Finklebaum always cut with a left bias, my friend, and YOU are urinating on my boots."

A man, wearing a massive sombero, walks into a bar in Mexico, sits down on a bar stool, and orders a tequila. The man next to him says "That's a big coincidence. I am drinking the same brand of tequila as you, and I am also wearing a big sombrero, much the same as yours." "Yes, what a strange coincidence!" replies the man. "Tell me about yourself" he says. "Well, I'm from a little village in the mountains." he tells the man "That's another concidence! I'm from that region myself!"" replies the other man. "My father was a herder.." and the second man interrupts him. "Wow, so was mine! Sadly, my father was shot.." "Oh my god!! So was mine. Shot by the Gringos." "WHAT?! THat's EXACTLY what hapened to my father." By then the bartender turned to another drinker and says, "Looks like a long night. It always is when the Pedro brothers come to town."

 

A man whose divorce case has just gone through is walking along a beach. He has lost just about everything he owns, including his home, and is somewhat relieved that he doesn't have kids. Thankfully, going to the beach is still free. While pondering his misfortunes (and certain that his ex-wife's lawyer has shafted him), he trips over a bulge in the sand. He gets up and digs up the obstruction, which turns out to be a brass lamp. Clearing the grit off the side by rubbing it, the man releases a genie. The genie stretches his arms and legs, then looks the man up and down.

"Three wishes, pal. You know the drill."

The man makes his three wishes: enough wealth to last a dozen lifetimes, a fantastic mansion located within view of his old house, and for an endless stream of gorgeous and adoring swimsuit models to share his domicile with him.

"You must be down on your luck. Tell you what, I normally only do the three-wish thing, but for you, I'll do four."

"Four? What's the catch?"

The genie stares at the man for a while before smiling. "Well, the catch is something I can only tell you after you decide on the extra wish", he says. Figuring he has little to lose, the man agrees. The genie laughs and tells him that the person most directly responsible for his current plight will receive his wishes also, but will get ten times what the man has wished for. The man thinks about this for a few seconds, and then smiles.

"You've decided on your last wish, then?"

"Yeah, I have. I always wanted to know what a mild heart attack felt like..."

 

Hmm....

Why is the menstrual cycle usually refered to as the period?

Because mad cow disease was already taken.

**

Two men are in a boat, fishing. they encounter a genie, and they get one wish. So, being the kind of men they are, one asks that the llake would turn to beer.

Poof, it tuerns, and the other guy punches the wisher..

"Why did you do that?"

"'cause now we have to pee in the boat!"

**

Yes, yes, I know, my delivery could stink up a cattle yard...

 

Okay, so a guy walks into a bar with an ostrich following him. The guy goes up to the bar and orders two scotches.

"That'll be $6.87" the barkeep says. So the man reaches into his pocket, pulls out exactlt $6.87, and hands it to the barkeep. The man drinks one of the scotches, the ostrich drinks the other, and they both walk out.

This goes on every day for a couple of weeks. Every day the man and the ostrich come in, the guy always orders something differant. The price is always differant, but each time he pays with exact change. Now the barkeep just going crazy wondering how the guy does this. Finally, one day as he's giving the man and bird their drinks, he breaks down and asks him.

"Hey buddy", says the barkeep. "Something's been driving me nuts. Every day you walk in here with that ostrich and order two drinks. You always get something differant, and the price is always differant, but you always pay in exact change. How do you do it?"

"Well", says the man, "A while ago I was on an airplane that crashed in the ocean. I was the only survivor, and washed up on a desert island. As I was walking along the beach one day, I stumbled across an old lamp. I rubbed it, and out came a genie. 'For releasing me, you may have three wishes' says the genie. So naturally, my first wish was to be rescued. Just when I said that, a ship appeared on the horizon, and sent a boat to pick me up. When I got back to civilization, my second wish was that whenever I ordered something, I could just stick my hand in my pocket and the money to pay for it would be there."

The barkeep goes "Okay, that explains a lot. But something else has been bothering me; what's with that ostrich following you around everywhere?"

"Well", says the guy, "My third wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. ”Hallo, Mr. Hussein!” , a heavily accented voice said.
”This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
”Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, ”This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
”Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, ”there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Saddam paused. ”I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
”Begorra!”, said Paddy. ”I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. ”Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
”And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked.
”Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Saddam sighed. ”I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million
since we last spoke.”
”Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. ”I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. ”Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. ”I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And, since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
”Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, ”I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. ”Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war.”
”I’m sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. ”Why the sudden change of heart?”
”Well,” said Paddy, ”We’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

 

Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ....soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic."You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."