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Erm.... either I don't get it or it's a crap joke!!

 

I think it's the latter this time. Never mind.

 

*sigh* Fine. Its saying that women suck at driving and that we shouldn't let them vote...

You know what?! I don't even care...

A crappy one (so crappy in fact, I laughed) that I got off a popsicle stick:

What do you say to a tent with split personalities?
'You're two tents.'


Whaaat.....

 

That's really crappy, Saber.

Ahem... here's a somewhat older, but still amusing message - a directive, if you will, at the behest of HRH Queen Bessie of Buckinghuge Palace. I know the English will enjoy this one.

---------------------------------------

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting
Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You may wish to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (if necessary, you should look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually "beer" at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and other brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

 

You left out the way Americans always talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'
But apart from that;

 

Fair call, but I think it's almost covered in #1. Of course, if I did that, then I'd have to add the Englishmen part of the speech - and that would almost kill the joke (no pun intended).

Just stay away from the salmon mousse and we'll all be OK...

 

well i'm gonna do a really really bad one, no it's really really bad, it works in danish though.
it's traffic signs
one sign says to the other sign: you married?
other sign to one sign: no i'm divorced

 

Balle - I must be thick but I don't get that at all.

 

Go to Hell, Go straight to Hell, do not pass Go, Do not collect £200

 

I know. I said before it: This is crappy. No need to remind me. I posted it out of sheer boredom, and I wanted you (plural) to see how bad it was...

 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says: "This is splendid. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experiance is unparalleled.
"Normally we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking might scare off customers. I'm sorry.. we can't hire you"

"But wait," the man said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red ones, blue ones, ribbed, flavoured; until eventually he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will NOT have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all the condoms?"

"Oh," he sighed, "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking and asked for aspirin?"

 

Ah! Much better, thanks Lost!

 

A collection of observations (Not mine of course. I'm not that insightful):

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Do radioactve cats have 18 half-lives?

What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

 

Must...respond...

You'll get some new piercings. Seriously, though, the cat would land right side up; the butter has gravity as a passive source, but cats are active in twisting around to land right side up.

I'll let you know if I get past 9.

0F to -70F, 0C to -20C. (Measured from room temp, which is ~70F or 20C.)

Yes.

 

Put that in litres!!!

Nice list Jaguar!

 

Ms. Johnson: Class, old MacDonald had a... blank?
Little Tommy: Ms. Johnson, old MacDonald had a FARM.
Ms. Johnson: Very good little Tommy. Now, can anybody spell FARM?
Little Nicky: Ms. Johnson, "E - I - E - I - O"?

 

For some reason I feel compelled to show everyone this.
If you want to become an Evil Overlord, or the Hero, you must read it - there are some very good tips that no one seems to have realised.

 

Excerpted from a communique from a USAF Cpt. in CJTF-180:

"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history.

When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either."

Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there are currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security."

And so spin doctors continue their works...

 

New Medical findings: Impotency is hereditary.

 

As is the feared disease known as "LIFE" - a sexually transmitted infection with a mortality rate of 100%.