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Why not add no.11; The bad guy keeps Drizzt in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.

 

Had #10 happen recently, though it was the thief who stayed back in town to rob the place.

Very nice, jA, and don't be afraid to show your geeky/nerdy side around here.

 

Biblical Theme Songs:

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

 

Sadly, I'm singing the Ellen vamped version:

I feel pretty
oh so pretty
and witty and...hey!

Nice ones, Arabwel.

 

My mother -in-law sent this:

A woman is looking in her bathroom mirror and assessing her breasts. She turns to her husband and asks, "Should I get a breast enhancement?"

The husband, thinking for a moment, takes a small piece of toilet paper, hands it to his wife and replies, "That's an expensive operation, you should first try wiping between your breasts with this a few times a day."

The woman, surprised at the odd answer, takes the toilet paper, wipes it on her sternum and says, "Do you think this will work?"

"It worked on your butt didn't it?"

Now for the ladies punchline: A hospital spokesperson said the husband is recovering nicely, the plunger has been successfully removed and he should be released within a few days.

Tal: If this is inappropriate please delete it.

 

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the
doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"
and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to
find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

 

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

 

Not a joke, but a funny comic about the parental angst of kangaroos. There is some strong language on the site, so be prepared. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

EDIT: I tried to fix the link to the kangaroo comic, but the damn thing keeps going to the home page. If you want to go through some trouble and see it, click on Archive and click on the comic labelled 1-12-05.

[ December 11, 2005, 16:23: Message edited by: kuemper ]

 

Yeah, Wulf and Dolph are comedy at it's highest. They have a short column in a newspaper and their own (quite hillarious) tv-show on danish DR2 .

 

Damn, I want to post some jokes (not mine, a friend told me them), but they are highly offensive towards women, and I really don't want to say them. I have nothing against women, I just find them funny...

 

A chav nativity:

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriendhav, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End. Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey' Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

 

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

 

(I apologise now for the off-colour nature of the joke, but you have to admit, it ain't gratuitious bawdiness )

Three men are sitting on the porch of the old-age home, rocking and talking about how each of them is taking their geriatric years.

The first speaks: "Well, every morning I get up at seven, and I go to the toilet and try to make water. I try and I try, and it always takes me a half hour. Woe is me."

"That's nothing," the second retorts. "Every morning I get up at six, and I go to the toilet and I try to take a dump. I grunt and groan and strain, for an hour before I've finished my business. It's misery, I tell ya!"

"You two have it easy," the third snarls. "Every morning I make water at six, every morning I take a dump at seven, and every morning I wake up at eight."

 

What's long and pink and hard in the morning?

The Financial Times crossword.

 

Particularly poor one from the radio this morning.

Churches in Las Vegas are used to receiving gambling chips in their collections. Because there are so many different casinos they have hit upon the best solution to cashing them in. Chips are sent off to a local Dominican monastory where they are sorted by casino for ease of cashing. The Dominicans are known as... The Chipmonks.

 

its a long thread so i apologise if its already been posted:

Paul McCartney has just bought his wife heather a new wooden leg for christmas. its not her main present, just a stocking filler.

 

Really lame, but I'm bored.

Ok, so Tal and Blackthorne walk into a bar....

You think they would have seen it....

Lol >.>

 

Lame, the spice of life, I atleast cracked up to JiggaJays' 'joke' More those kind of jokes!
I'm not weird, I'm just special...

 

Thank you for appreciating the subtle humor of my joke

I have another one, I saw it on a shirt and laffed

Jesus Saves
the rest of you take damage