Post Your Jokes Here!

Remove all ads!

No offense to you women but...

Three women are stranded on and island, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

After wandering the beach they find a lamp and rub it and sure enough out pops a genie who says "I will grant you each on wish. So what'll it be?"
The blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter." Then poof, she turns into a red head, builds a crude raft and makes it back to main land.
Then the red head says "I wish I was 75% smarter." Then poof, she turns into a brunette, builds a boat and makes it back to main land.
Then the brunette says "I wish I was 100% smarter." Then poof, she turns into a man walks over the bridge.

I heard this from my friend and couldn't stop laughing. I don't mean to offend any of the women here this is just a joke.

 

This isn't really much of a joke, but...

A middle-aged man walks into a bar hosting a buck's night. He feels a bit rattled by the noise, but finds a quiet corner and sits down for a few drinks. As he's finishing up, the buck and the best man stagger past with the best man yelling, "Hey gramps - this *******'s getting ****ing MARRIED tomorrow!"

The middle aged man smile courteously and asks the buck if he's happy. The buck smiles and replies that he's nervous, but looking forward to it. The middle aged man then looks a little crestfallen. he looks at his shoes for a second, then says:

"You know, young man, I never knew what happiness was until I got married."

The buck smiles, but the older man isn't finished.

"And now, it's too late."

 

Q: What does a hen say when running from a cock?
A: "Well, I'm running. But aren't I running too fast?"

 

If the dodo died,and Di died, and Dodi died, should Dido be worried?

 

To understand a woman

A man walked along a Californian beach, losing himself in deep prayer. At one moment, he said aloud:

Lord God, please grant one my wish.

And he heard the voice of God:

For you have always followed my ways, I shall grant one your wish.

The man asked:

Build a bridge to Hawaii for me, so that I am able to travel there in my car whenever I desire.

God replied:

Your wish is very materialistic. Think how many resources such a goal requires. How much concrete, how much steel. I can do that, but it is hard to justify such a request. Perhaps you can think of a different wishing, giving me more glory.

The man took long to think and answered thus:

Yes, Lord God. If that is so, I want to ask you for understanding of women. I want to know what they feel in the depth of their souls, what they think when they speak nothing to me, or when they cry; what they really want when I ask them - what is with you? - and they reply - nothing. And I want to know how to make a woman happy.

After a moment of silence, God said:

You want two or four lanes on that bridge?

 

two bananas are laying in a bowl of fruit. The first banana looks at the other and says: "I don't like those apples!" The other one says: "Help! A talking banana!"

 

Q: Whats does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall?
Aam

 

A guy is speeding to a job one day and as he crosses a bridge he sees a police officer with a radar gun pullout and start chasing him. After realising it'd be useless to try to get away the guy pulls over to wait for the cop to approach.

When the officer asks why he's speeding the guy replies "I have a work emergency, I can't be late"

"What work do you do, may I ask, that requires such a hurry?" asks the officer

"Well," replies the man, "I'm a rectum stretcher"

"A WHAT?"

"A rectum stretcher. You see my clients some to see me to have their rectums stretched. I start with a very small deevice which stretches the rectum a little and I slowly increase the size to the device until they have a rectum about 6 feet wide"

"You mean to tell me people pay you to have their a***holes stretched? And what do you do with a 6-foot a***hole?"

"Well," replies the man "usually they put it at the end of a bridge with a radar gun."

 

An Irishman goes to the doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot."

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he
says, "there's a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty
out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman....


(Wait for it...........)


I knew I wasn't feeling two grand this morning."

 

A couple is uneventfully married for over 15 years, and one evening the guy sits on the sofa and watches a rather boring soccer game. In storms his wife.
- Dear, I... I've just been raped!
He looks at her for a moment, then back to the game, and says:
- Eat a lemon, dear.
- Dear, did you actually listen to what I said?
- Yes, and I told you I think you should eat a lemon.
- But I've just been raped, for Christ's sake, what would a lemon do?
- Well, (sigh) at least I won't have to be looking at your shining face...

 

A friend of mine from Australia emailed this:

>Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
>tavern.
>
>Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
>that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around
>the carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After
>what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man
>managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes
>as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started
>the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked
>the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the
>lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,reversed a little and then
>remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At
>last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the
>road.
>
>The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,now started up the
>patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled
>the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the
>breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at
>all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
>the Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken.
>
>"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
>
>True story.

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Bugger dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his hengliding!"

 

I got this from work a few minutes ago:

> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
>
> >Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered,
> >half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
> >
> >Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open
> >to trade, especially for someone with cash.
> >
> >Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and
> >convinced of her own beauty.
> >
> >Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
> >warm and desirable place to visit.
> >
> >Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by
> >past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
> >
> >Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are
> >un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
> >
> >Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all
> >conquering past but alas, no future.
> >
> >After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
> >but no one wants to go there.


> >THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN :
> >
> >Between 15 and 90, a man is like America. Ruled by a dick.

 

Sports of women

20 years old women are like football, 22 people chasing one.
30 years old women are like basketball, 10 people chasing one.
40 years old women are like tennis, 2 people hitting to each other.
50 years old women are like golf, the further away you hit the merrier.

 

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $ 10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

The man says . .

" We'll ship her home. "

The undertaker asks . .

" Are you sure ? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here. "

The man says . .

" Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead . . . I just can't take that chance. "

 

A boy got a homework from his teacher. The boy is supposed to write a poem. The boy went home and asked his dad to write a poem for him. His dad said
"Stop talking Nonsense". He then asked his mum to write a poem for him. His mum said "Not now, I'm busy". He went to his brother next while he was watching TV and asked "What are you watching?".
His bro answered "Arnold Schwarzenegger, now go away before I smack you". He went to his sister and asked her to write a poem for him. His sister answered "You are a #@$%& red-butted monkey, you know? Go away". On the next morning his teacher asked him to read his poem.

The boy: "Stop talking nonesense!"

The teacher: "What!? That's it! I'm taking you to the principal!"

The boy: "Not now, I'm busy"

The teacher: "How dare... Who do you think you are?!?!"

The boy: "Arnold Schwarzenegger, now go away before I smack you!"

The teacher: WHAT!?!? You... YOU!! Who do you think "I" am!

The boy: "You are a #@$%& red-butted monkey, you know? Go away!".

 

A punchline:
To which the Catholic priest replies:
"What stones?"

 

Right, A little kid went to a pregnant woman one day and asked what was in her stomach.
The woman replied: "A child"

Kid: Really? Do you love your child?

Woman: Yes

Kid: Would you do anything for him?

Woman: Yes

Kid: Then why did you eat him?

 

A guy walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The man next to him empties his glass with one swallow, jumps out of the window and returns shortly thereafter. The first man wonders, but remains quiet. The second man orders another beer, swallows it in one go again and even jumps out of the window again.

The first man becomes irritated. He asks the barkeeper what was up with the window-hopping man. The barkeeper replies: "Just ask him when he returns". The man decides to do so. Not long and the other man returns. The irritated one promptly asks him: "How come you jump out of the 4th floor twice and remain unscathed???". The man replies calmly: "Don't you know that when you swallow a whole beer at once you can't get hurt at all when jumping out of a window?!"

Surprised by this the first man orders another one. He empties his glass and jumps out of that 4th floor window! The barkeeper slowly turns towards the remaining man and says: "You can be SUCH an a**hole when you're drunk, Jesus..."

 

Heard that before but the punchline was:

"Superman, you are suck a dick when you're drinking."