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There are two important things for full success in life:
1. Dont tell everything you know

EDIT: Is that "suck" a typo or not?

[ December 10, 2004, 17:33: Message edited by: Maertyn ]

 

Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They stand before St. Peter, who says, "I must ask each one of you a question. Answer correctly, and you may enter."

He turns to the first nun and asks, "Sister Rebecca, what is the Holy Trinity?"

"The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit," answers Rebecca.

Bells ring, trumpets sound, and she is swept through the Pearly Gates in a blaze of glory.

Peter then looks at the second nun and asks, "Sister Mary, how many disciples did our Savior have?"

"Twelve," says Mary.

Bells ring, trumpets sound, and she is swept through the Pearly Gates in a blaze of glory.

St. Peter turns to the last nun, who is now looking very nervous, and asks her, "Sister Josephine, what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

She thinks and thinks, and looks at St. Peter and says, "Gee, that's a hard one..."

Bells ring, trumpets sound, and she is swept through the Pearly Gates in a blaze of glory.

 

Jack and Gary were running from hostile soldiers. Jack got caught and Gary climbed up a tree overlooking the enemy base to hide. The enemies beat up Jack to a pulp. One more hit and Jack could have been killed. An enemy soldier said: "Ok, We'll take break and eat our rations". While they were gone, Jack told Gary "I've had enough beating,
it's your turn to get beaten up, Gary!"
Gary went down, freed Jack and tied himself up.
The enemies came back and said: "Right, We've beaten up this one, let's beat that one on the tree!"

 

Christmas Office Party:

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to
light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and
your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is
too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director


December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men - each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director


December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."


Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces


December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, so you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell


December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

 

Three men are captured by cannibals, 1 German, 1 French, and 1 British. the tribal chief says to them, "Due to our holiday, I shall grant each of you 1 wish, then you get whipped 30 times on the back, after that you may go."

The German says, "vell then i vant a pillow and i vant it strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps a pillow on the German's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 10th lash, the pillow gave out and the German walked off crying.

The French guy says, " ha silly german this is easy i want 2 pillows strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps 2 pillows on the French's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 20th, last, the pillow gave out and the French man walked off limping.

The chief turns to the last man and says hmm french man, german man where you from?

Great Brtain replied the brit ,

"hmm Since you are from a this great country, I shall give you 2 wishes." The Brit says, "Why Thank you very much chief.

For my first wish, you can forget about the 30 lashes cos i want 100 ." The chief says, " Wow Not only you come from this great country, you are noble too, tell me what is your last wish?" The Brit replys,

"Strap the french and German guys to my back.

 

A newfie walks into a bar and sees a beautiful mainland girl having a drink. He goes up to her and bluntly says "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" She is taken aback for a moment, but then her eyes light up and she looks the Newfie up and down. "Yes" she says coyly, "I probably would." The newfie smiles and says "Would you sleep with me for one dollar?". The girl looks insulted and snarls "One dollar?!! What do you think I am?" The newfie smiles and says coolly "We already established what you are my dear, now we are just haggling over the price."

 

Q:What's thin and really loud.
A:Two skeletons making love on a tin roof.

 

ok this is a 'crap' joke.

Whats brown, stinks and looks through peoples window's?

A nosy ****.


Sorry

 

Q:How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
A:You open the door, put the elephant in and close the door.
Q:How do you a rhino in the fridge.
A:Simple you open the door, take out the elephant, put in the rhino and close the door.

 

no offence, but that didnt really seem like a joke to me...

<Dalveen prays for Barmy to come Hi-jack the Thread>

 

Irish Pilots

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed and there was smoke everywhere. But to the relief of all the passengers and not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, and de fookin' widest too!!"

 

Somehow I saw that coming.

 

That's funny, because your jokes* were a bolt out of the blue!


* I use the word very loosely

 

Whats the difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of ping-pong balls?

You can't unload a lorry load of ping-pong balls with a pitchfork!

Will I go to prison for that?

 

That's a bit close to the knuckle mate...

 

Hey Barmy, good on ya re the Irish Pilots joke. That rocked.

 

JOKE 1:

An American and a Romanian fighting for a tomato:

A: The tomato is on my property. It's my tomato!
R: I planted the tomato. It's my tomato!
A: So what do we do?
R: I've got an ideea! We each kick the other in the groin and see who lasts out longer.
A: Ok. Let's do it!

The Romanian takes on some big army boots and kicks the American in the groin as hard as he can. The American falls on the ground, crying.

The Romanian then says: You can just take the tomato, I don't need it anymore.

JOKE 2:

The Agressive Piglet climbs in a cherry tree.
The elefant strolls by and asks the piglet: "What are you doing, piglet?"
P: I'm eating apples!
E: How can you eat apples in a cherry tree?
P: I brought them from home, you idiot!

 

Hey Kelvon, next time you post jokes try to make'm funny and so bruttal.

 

Lord Garak, instead of bitching about every one else's jokes, write some funny ones yourself.

 

What has two legs and bleeds all over the place?

A: Half a dog