Questions about parents for the youth at SP

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As long as love is there, and the kid knows it, you should be in the clear. There is a world of difference between spanking and beating. This idea that you can reason with someone under 5 all the time is complete nonsense. A quick, painful but not brutal or injurious consequence is the best thing for kids -- I teach high school and I've seen the result of kids growing up in consequence free environments -- they figure they can get away with anything. But Consequences are not the only thing. There has to be involvement on a constant basis -- trips for ice cream, trips to the park, playing board games, whatever. That positive interaction stops them from hating their parents when some discipline becomes necessary.

 

Thank you, Depaara. As someone who was spanked quite often as a child, I find it rather offensive that someone would assume I'm a violent brute. As a matter of fact, I've never punched anyone in my life, or been involved in a fight. I think the point is that for many actions, the consequences are not always readily visible or explainable to a child; thus, you have to provide immediate and unpleasant consequences to deter them. As stated before, this is not only done out of love, but must be done in a loving way, so as not to breed anger from anger.

The other major thing I can think of is to be honest. Don't try to convince your kids that you are the know-all to end-all. When you are wrong, admit it and apologize. Kids growing up tend to think their parents are omnipotent and omniscient at first, and it's tempting to perpetuate that myth. Unfortunately, it's not too long before they realize the truth, and if you are still acting deceptively, they will lose their trust and respect for you.

Also, while you should meet your children where they live and do fun things with them, don't be afraid to let them see the difference between the adult world and the juvenile world. Let them understand that the older they grow, the more they must trade in their entertainment for responsibility -- but that they can get just as much satisfaction from the latter as they did the former.

 

Try and be understanding. There is nothing worse than when your parents don't understand you and laugh calling you weird and strange.

Don't try and act young so you don't seem old... you seem older and more annoying.

Be someone they can talk to, let them have a little freedom, don't build walls and boundries and have rules that are too rigid

Be open. They will like different stuff and will want to do things you won't like.

Don't dictate them. It's their life, they have to learn through their mistakes, you can only be there when they need you.

Don't be embarassing Never give away personal stuff or information... my mother is always doing it - I could ring her neck sometimes.

 

Well, I'm 20, so a few years older than you would prefer, but still it's not that much since then.

I suppose an infinite number of examples could be brought here, but it all can be included in one sentence: try to empathise, imagine how they feel, what they think, what is their point of view based on their limited knowledge and experience, how would you feel in their place or how did you feel in similar situations in your own childhood.

 

I agree with most of the advice.

To add, never 'overrule' your partner in front of the kids. If you disagree, discuss it with the other first before making a decision. Otherwise, the authority of the overruled parent will be undermined.

Never argue with your partner in front of your kids. Do it elsewhere. It can be traumatic for them.

Be demonstrative! Kids react positively when you hold your wife's hand, kiss her or give her flowers. Be the same to your kids. Your wife will react positively too.

About spanking: I was spanked as a child. I still get spanked now. Seriously, it wasn't often and it wasn't done in anger. Still, I'm going to try to take the non-spanking approach. I'm going to sit my kid down and tell him what he did wrong and why it was wrong. I'm going to lead by example, the best I know how.

I saw a poster with some parental advice. I'll add it when I get a copy.

Oh Jack, congratulations in advance on the addition to your family. I have a two-year old soon too. He's great!

[ March 01, 2003, 12:28: Message edited by: Charlie ]

 

I guess the whole spanking argument can be summed up like this: Psychologists have shown that beating or spanking a child has little positive effects compared to other non-physical punishments, and that it can potentially be harmful. Not always, not everyone ends up with a problem, but some people do.

Here in Sweden noone spanks their children. I guess it's a cultural thing. And still, we turn out alright. My point is, spanking is not necessary to raise a child properly... So why risk it??

Depaara, how do you connect "a consequense free environment" with spanking? Surely spanking is not the only consequense you can think of when trying to discipline a child?

Also, I have a hard time seeing how you can spank someone "in a loving way". It just seems horribly irrational that you can cause physical harm to someone in a loving way.

 

What do your parents do that you really like?

Truly listening when I have something bothering me. There's nothing worse than someone shrugging off your trouble. They also keep their sexlife private, and let me keep mine private. Very much appreciated
They let me practice martial arts. That has shaped me in so many ways. Fairness and Honor are but a few of the qualities MartialArts have given me. And it taught me to defend myself and others, as well as learning that your actions means your consequences. Responsibility.

Do your parents do anything that makes you feel special?

They respect and treat me like an adult, instead of treating me like a 21 year old child. (Parents of a friend of mine do that to him, it's frustrating as hell)

What do your parents do that you really dislike?

They don't do this anymore, but they used to:
- When arguing they'd use their parental authority to end the discussion because they were confronted with hard facts that they were wrong. If you're preaching fairness, be fair, instead of a hypocrite.
- When talking about a girl (in my teens), they'd immediately hint at me being in love or her becoming inlaw. They did it just to tease me, but this is a sensitive topic for most teenagers, wether they're in love or not. I disliked that very much. I heard them saying things of the like to my little sis (age:16) a month ago, and I immediately felt what I felt a few years ago. So I came to my sisters aid, and said her say for her, which I couldn't do for myself several years ago, and which she couldn't do for herself now. My parents haven't done a thing of the like since.
- They don't show enough backbone. If someone is in my house, insulting me or the ones I care about, they'd better leave before they're thrown out. My parents are a little too tolerant to some, and don't stick up for themselves enough.
- They don't do what I tell them in the following situation: If the burglar alarm goes off, I'm the first to go downstairs. Period. I'm the best fighter in the house, (martial arts since the age of 8) so I'm the one to go and check out the main floor. I'm less likely to get hurt than the others because I know how to defend myself, so I'm the one taking the danger. Just because 99% of the times it's a false alarm, doesn't mean you can't get hurt that 1% of the time. So what happens nearly everytime the alarm goes off? I wake up, race down the stairs and find my parents near the alarmconsole shutting off the alarm. I don't care waking up everynight having to race down some stairs to defend my home for nothing, it's more than worth the risk of my parents getting hurt. So listen to your kids if you know they know what's best for you all.

If you choose to be a parent, what would you do differently then your parents?

Not much. Except for the points above.

 

Well just off the top of my head, I think one of the best things you can do to your child is congratulate them alot. It really hurts when you try really hard to immpress your parents, and they don't say anything. Like a few weeks ago, we got our marks back for some GCSE coursework. The class was supposed to be aiming for a low C or high D at the stage we are currently at. I worked my socks off, and managed to pull off a low A. The highest in the year anyone got. And all my parents said when I told them about it was "mmm...".

[ March 01, 2003, 15:34: Message edited by: Z-Layrex ]

 

A child needs rules and structure in his/her life. If you raise them that way when they're young it's not gonna be a problem to give them a lot of freedom when they get older since they'll have a solid base for the rest of their lifes.

Let them practise sports, take them to musea, play with them and encourage them to develop their talents. And give them some responsibility when they are a little older.

 

idoru, it is not only a cultural thing here, it is illegal to spank your child just as it is illegal to spank your wife or anyone else. It is incredible strange that so many people view it as OK to hit their children when they at the same view it as a crime if an adult get struck by someone.

 

I was spanked often as a child. Never did me any harm.

 

Well...

If I didn't behave,
my dad would often throw
a jab punch in my shoulder...



(This teqnique only works with especially tough kids, who can take a beat.
Plus: It shouldn't be done before the kids reach 10 years of age.)

 

I would have a hard time hurting (spanking) my children. They would have to do something very bad to deserve that. But even when they deserve it, I would find it very hard.

 

Thanks for a lot of great information. You have given me a lot to think about. Parenting is the most important journey I have ever undertaken and I want to do the best that I can.
We took Jack (my son) to the aquarium in Boston on Saturday. He had a great time both at the aquarium and riding the train (he loves Thomas the Tank Engine). Doing stuff with him is a priority of mine. Several people here noted the importance of spending time, and I agree completely.
For the record, we don't spank. My parents were (at times) quite vicious physically. I don't even want to start down that road. Time-outs have been effective.

 

All of these are really good - the thing that I would say, is that don't just talk to your kids, but do whatever you can to get them to talk to you - if you do this early, it will make the "teen era" much easier - i remember that opening up to my parents was very hard for me as a teenager, and if they had gotten me to talk to them more as a child, it would have made it a lot easier to do so as a teenager.

 

If your children are insolent, place them in a burlap bag and beat'em with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve they should receive their first scribe.
**Movie Quote**

Really Jack. I hope you do well and I've read all these posts with eager too. But No two kids are alike. We can read all the books we want. Seek all the advice we hope for. But In the end nothing is like it ought to be. But as long as parents are emphatic rather than pragmatic, they enjoy life's greatest gift.