Random Relationship Babbling Thread (alias Relationship Rant Thread #2)

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Yes, but of course, such things are always possible if sometimes difficult. As always, I would suggest talking and, also as always, being as natural about it as possible. Easier said than done, of which myself, I'm a perfect example.

That, and I'm not sure if it's such a good idea to get back together. Realistically, there's no sense in sticking to the "no come-backs" rule in case of a relationship that can work. However, also realistically, break-ups do happen for a reason. I guess the best thing to do is to make sure you aren't just escaping singledom (which isn't worth it) or dismissing a chance of something great for the sake of pride or a rule (aka no come-backs policy). The golden middle... Enter Aristotle.

Back to my philosophical studies.

 

Iku, I don't think there are many people who know what they're doing just one of those things.

I'm currently half in half out of a relationship, and all because of she has a bf...dammit, I sometimes feel guilty, yet other times I don't feel guilty at all. He kinda knows, yet does nothing, I kinda wish he would tell me to eff off...

At the mo, I think I'm gonna stick to receiving all the hugs and kisses that come with being the bit on the side , although I'm gonna ask the girl to make up her mind whether to leave her bf at some point...

*sigh* sometimes life just isn't like in the movies...they lie!

This is more of just a random "let off steam" session, so you can just ignore it if you want...writing helps me focus...

 

Geez Dave :/

No offense, but as someone that's been cheated on and wouldn't consider cheating, I'm on the boyfriend's side on this one. The girl is the most culpable though, once again no offense meant.

Check out the song "The Other Man" by Sloan

 

@Dave: I have a problem with guys who let their girlfriends play a bit on the side. Probably more than with actually playing around a bit with someone else's girlfriend. After all, girlfriends aren't property. As they aren't property, though, it's not like one should forbid or prevent a girlfriend from playing around a bit with someone else. One should just dump her, throw a party and move on.

Erm, and what she's doing to her boyfriend at the moment, she will feel justified in doing when she's with you and finds another guy. Either that or she will screw justifying and do as she damn well please anyway. Dump her and move on. Do you really want a wife flirting on the side with workmates? That's what you're en route to getting.

Babeuf, Saint-Simon, here I come!

 

Bingo, that's it right there Chev.

 

Well, for those who care, it's been exactly 4 years today since I lost my fiancee and unborn daughter in that car accident.

A toast to their memory.

 

/me toasts

 

I know exactly what you guys are saying, and well, me and her just get caught up in the moment, and enjoy eachothers company alot...I do feel bad, thats why I want the bf to tell me to get lost, because it would make it easier to leave...but I really like her...anyway, I appretiate the comments, and everything, but I'd like to fly this one on my own...so just forget I said anything...thanks again

 

/me joins the toast

 

Raising a glass over here too. Here's to them.

 

Woah, Disciple. That's heavy. I feel sad now.

 

@DoTW: To honour their memory, don't drop your standards. But you already know this, don't you...

@Dave: I'm not sure if the bf has any right to tell you to get lost. I wouldn't do that if I were in his shoes.

 

Thanks to everyone who joined in the toast to the memory of the two woman of my life. It really means a lot to me. Thanks again, you guys.

Had things taken a different turn, our daughter would be three years and a half. We even had her name chosen. *sigh*

It pisses me off to an extreme that the one moron's decision to drive drunk resulted in my losing the two woman of my life. I hope the scum suffers the same fate I did.

 

Very sorry for your loss DoTW. Same feeling as HB on the matter, very heavy.

On the note of having 'a bit on the side' the way how I found my girlfriend was by dating various women using the whole scattergun theory. Chatting to any girl I met that I found attractive. I was dating 6 girls at one time and I saw 3 on the same day once (breakfast, lunch and dinner, damn that day hit my wallet hard). By dating I mean seeing but not very often, I wouldn't be surprised if they were seeing other men also. However when I decided that I liked my current girlfriend more than all the others (our second date) I was quick to tell the other 5 the next time they rang me that I'm happy to see them as a friend but I am currently taken. Many were sad and two were very angry, I felt quite guilty about it actually howeverI also feel quite justified since I'm deeply in love with my girlfriend.

Yes I did sleep with some of the girls who I was dating, 4 of the 5 that didn't make the cut in fact.

Am I scum? Was what I did wrong? I never promised these girls anything but I guess by sleeping with them I silently did. What are your thoughts guys and girls?

 

Might have dodged a bullet here...

First she took it bad, but then she got over it.

We're still penpals. Exchanging some very interesting ideas..

 

Sorry about your loss DotW, that's pretty rough..

@Chev

just to clarify, we're not talking about Dave's case any more, but generalizing. why not? I'm all for "women aren't property" and all that, but if you have an arrangement (the whole official bf-gf thing) i'm definitely going to go on the other side of the fence and say that the bf does have the right to do that. Smarter move would probably be to dump the girl and maintain the "vulnerable, loveable and didn't do anything wrong" image for the other girls but the bf would definitely have the right to tell the other guy to back up if he wanted to stay with the girl imo.

@Abom

No. In my mind, it's like a contract, if you guys haven't both agreed to be dating exclusively you both still have the right to see other people. If one person got the wrong impression and gets hurt, that's unfortunate, but as long as there was no mutual agreement on exclusivity there's no "right" to get mad. A right to be disappointed maybe but not to be rightfully angry.

 

He has the right to tell his gf to leave the other guy alone but the "right" to tell other guys to stay away from your gf is a bit weaker. It's not a great thing for them to do, of course, but it's not like you have such a claim. It's different for married people, though. At any rate, fidelity is between partners and the other people didn't promise anything.

And but of course. What I thought about was dumping the girl and not bearing a huge grudge against that other guy.

@Abomination, Enagonios:

I don't want to judge anyone specific, but I can talk a bit about the concept. I believe non-exclusive dating is wrong. Many people, actually including "hardcore Christians" disagree. Allowing someone to harbour misconceptions is not the same as making a promise one doesn't intend to keep. But by claiming the results of such misconceptions (such as sleeping with a girl because she thinks one loves her and wants to be with her) is benefitting from those misconceptions. That's too close to misleading her for my taste. Especially when the convention is that people date exclusively or have sex only with an exclusive date, doing it the other way is breaching a custom which shields you with the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it's so naive as grabbing an apple from a stall and saying you thought it was put up for the taking rather than for sale. Don't know if this sounds clear but what I basically mean is that silent, implied promises are still wrong to use for egoistic purposes, break, go back on etc. In a scenario different from a quick hump between two strangers, sex is not even a promise but more a statement of having a relationship. By human nature, relationships are monogamous and exclusive, faithful, so that's what people assume.

If I were to build on Enagonios's law metaphor, I would say that whatever goes beyond friendship is already a contract and one that's executed immediately after contraction. Such as when you swap a loaf of bread for a coin, you strike the contract and execute it at the same time. Sometimes contracts are concluded symbolically by performing an action. Only the action is performed and the specific terms and conditions aren't spelt out but they are believed to exist. To be modified, they would have to be either 1) totally obvious to be different for one party so that anyone more intelligent than a retard would notice, 2) specifically spelt out what is changed.

In some places and/or groups of people, some activities (mouth kissing, open mouth kissing, sex) are interpreted as the beginning of a relationship, confirmation that the people involved are already in a relationship (or consumption of it, which amounts to the same in practical terms), or just an indication of interest or even just a little fun without obligations. Therefore, before engaging in any of those, I would make sure everyone knows what's going on and there's no misunderstanding.

So yes, this means that if I were single and met a nice girl, I wouldn't kiss her until I knew she isn't into non-exclusive relationships (or just unfaithful to someone). At least in normal circumstances. And no this doesn't mean, "if I'm not drunk enough." And I would try to avoid her developing the misconception I'm OK with her doing the same with someone else.

[ February 07, 2006, 20:19: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Abomination:
I mostly agree with Chev, here. If you develope any kind of physical relationship (even kissing) or a long-term(3 dates or more in my book) relationship with the intent of physical developement, that should be exclusive.
On the other hand, I have no problem with the idea of 'shopping around' to the extent that you actually want to get to know the girl a little before you make it exclusive. One date should not make it exclusive unless it was the perfect date. Also realize that she may be thinking something very different from you, so the best bet is, if you don't want it to be exclusive, make sure the other one understands that.
Personally, I think your biggest mistake was having sex outside of marriage with anyone. I don't believe sex should ever be 'casual' or 'just friendly'.

 

I prefer calling it a meeting rather than a date, but I prefer not dabbling with semantics even more but just meeting the girl and talking to her. Long getting-to-know-ish one-on-one conversations, especially at evening hours or in somewhat romantic sceneries may also be suggestive, even if nothing physical happens. An example would be going to cinemas and parks and being cute and sparkly, obviously trying to make an impression etc.

 

Not surprisingly, I agree with Chev. Non-exclusive dating makes me uncomfortable.

Why does that remind me of someone "extremely bright"?

This one is bittersweet to me. I disagree with the "no-sex-before-marriage" part, but I agree that sex shouldn't be 'casual' and 'just friendly'. I DID had sex with my ex, she wasn't my wife (hopefully), but she was my lover nontheless.