Random Relationship Babbling Thread (alias Relationship Rant Thread #2)

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Yeah, but with movies, and magazines, and media, you can tell what you are missing...


Experience isn't the only way to learn, you know.

 

What? It's far better to experiance the emotions yourself, rather than just watch it happen to other people.

Which is better, hear music, or read a review?

 

Well, if you read an adventure book, I think you're closer to adventure than you are to music when reading a review... But it's not like it isn't experience, either. Experience includes what happens around you to people you know. It's somewhat similar with books if they are written well.

 

I never said that it was better to learn through seeing/hearing things, I said that experience isn't the only way to learn. In our society, we see so much 'love' around us that we get a sense of what it is, and if we haven't had it, we desire it, and then get sad when we don't have it.

Personally, I think experience is better in love, I was just telling you that it isn't the only way that people can see what love is.

 

My apologies, I misunderstood you.

Remember I told you all I was going to the city with 'the girl'?

She went to a friend's house last night, and didn;t tell me. I got stood up.

The english language doesn;t have the cuss words I needed this morning, so I used german and french instead. Chev should teach me some Polish ones to use on her.

 

Check your mobile phone again. Voice-mail etc. But if she stood you up, it's a party reason. Really, you're much better off without her. And don't waste your breath swearing.

 

No SMS, no voicemail. She saw me last night before she went, and had ample oppurtunity to pass on messages etc.

I will not waste breath, Chev. I met some buddies in the city, and spent over £100 (although most of that was a train ticket to Wales). I'm fine, just can't believe she would do that. Never mind the relationship thing, we're supposed to be buddies.

 

Yeah, a friend doesn't do that. All those just-met dates, yeah, but not friends. It looks like she chose not to tell you, which means she values your time very little.

 

EDIT: Daie, don't be pathetic.

[ March 05, 2006, 13:55: Message edited by: Daie d'Malkin ]

 

Maybe my heart got replaced with a daub of stone at some point, but I don't ever remember being the slightest bit moved by romance in media. Never seen a movie or read a novel that made me want to go out and find my soulmate. I get that that's what I'm supposed to want to do, but my brain is protected by a thick membrane of cynicism that most stuff just doesn't penetrate.

Perhaps I should go looking for the Wizard of Oz!

 

No. You are not supposed to be buddies.

A buddy is someone you choose because he's trustworthy, fun, shares interests and likes you as buddy too.

Did you choose that girl like you would have chosen a buddy or did you choose because of her looks, smell and your chemical attraction to it? I bet it was the later and your body chemistry tells you all about having a crush and nothing about the girl's character.

To your body, character doesn't matter. That's your brain that can evaluate character. In general, I think a crush blurrs the normal functioning of the brain. Buddies ? It's no fair buddy relationship if one "buddy" cares a lot more for the other than the other "buddy" does. Would you really want to spend time with her if she had all buddy-qualities but wouldn't look that good to you?

If you got a crush on someone, that person gets a halo around her and looks a lot better to your love-blurred eyes than in reality. More witty, intelligent, good-hearted. More like someone you'd make your buddy. But maybe you are deceiving yourself. Or better said, your desire is deceiving you.

And funnily, this halo effect is greatly diminished by actually have a love affair with that said person. A week of good kissing makes the brain clearer. If you get no kissing (or more), the brain stays in blurry-mode and you can't evaluate reality like you should (and accordingly keep you protected from unnecessary hurt).

It would be more honest to go separate ways if there are no mutually shared feelings. Everything else is feeding an illusion. And desillusion is a painful process.

And if she would actually had fallen for you, you probably realized that she is not the one you thought she in a less painful way.

Go and find a girl that likes you. Don't care too much about her looks. Look for a good character first.

 

These are big words that tend to outopia.
Every woman ones seeks is at least beautifull for that guy. And as for the character, well i can really say that the only way to find out is to get involved.

Which means that if the character is not good, you will get hurt and really bad IMO.

From personal experience (well with greek women) i find it hard to believe that there is a decent percentage of women (that is 1%) in this world that will like a guy for what he is, and not what he poses to be or even worse what they dream he is.

Most women i have dated, had a relationship or just know, are so seduced by the guys that manage to hurt them in every opportuity given that really makes me feel like an a*****e for not being able to do that.

And furthermore i have been fed up with the classical runt for me "wow you are a very nice guy". Because the synonym for nice guy in their brains is a guy who is to easy to win and maintain without a big effort from their part. A guy who will do all their favours, won't understand that they are cheating on him with the looser who just owns a bike and an attitude, and so on.

Well i have never been in the being cheated side (i am usually, not to say continiusly, the third person in these affairs) but whenever i was there i always asked to clear the situation out by the woman. And all i got was a big reluctance, and at the end a break up (if one can say break up when there was not an official relationship) with me, in order to find a guy with less guilts and conscience in his character.

I have to say that i am tending to the point that at least here in Greece (and i think in many countries) women have just lost the control of their wheels. They are supposed to have a career, have a family (at least they are raised now with both these pursuits) and that stresses them. It is obvious to handle these two is hard and difficult. But there are ways and ways to react to such a challenge.

In Greece at least most young women now tend to act like men did 20 years ago, in their love lives.
They are always go for the easiest and less sentimental solution. They rarely invest on a relationship, because they simply find that too demanding.

Personal experience from last year ( i have not been involved with another woman since then, that last one really made me sick) follows:

I met this girl two years younger than me (28 she was then 29 now). Not the beautifull cover magazine person, but had this special something that made me jump through the ceiling. I gathered all my nerve and asked her out for a coffee. She said yes but after the holidays (it was New Years day 2005). I could not imagine why but i said why not.

We went out we had a fantastic time, and during the conversation i managed to get the words out of my mouth (very elegantly i must say, i was amazed with the extend of the effects she had on me). And she replied i like you too but i have already relationships. I said what did i heard a plural? she said a damn i should not have said that, etc. But the funny thing that at the end she did kissed me and did started to ask me out for coffees (she had/has a very heavy schedule with teachings and the research she is participating in plus PhD in progress), and things like that.

And of course me as a total nice guy (who was madly in love) never refused and always was content (allthough with a hurt feeling) when she was seeing the other guys. But i also learned the story.

That woman was having a relationship with a guy who is 20 years older than her. She claims to be the love of her life, but also the nemesis. He is a guy who is willingly not married yet, and has cheated on her, as she is too now. Furthermore (and that was the biggest blow) he left her pregnant and dissappeared when she told him. She was desperate, and at that time nice guy nr1 (i am nr2) gets in her life. He learns for her pregnacy and he doesn't mind. He tried to make her feel good and choose the doctor for the abortion. After all that she said she fell obliged to say yes when he asked to become his girfriend.

At the same time, and while she was claiming that she hated the older guy, he called her and as expected she just forgot her own words. The outcome was that now she had a guy who she could not resist anything, a guy she did not like at all (that nice guy nr1 was palying the official boyfriend role for a year without even a kiss or a gentle look) and chose to just torture him (most propably because he was paying the older guys dues). And then came me. That and my continuous pressure to clear things up, brought a confession from her about what has happened with the whole deal tears and the rest, and me trying to make her feel better and more courageous to take the right steps.

Anyway after that confession, another (the final) date for dinner (in which the a*hole called and she kept playing verbally with him in fornt of me), which ended with the phrase by her "i really like you so much, but i am not good for you".

Three days later and while i was trying to reach her by the phone, i got an e-mail which among other things stated that she would never dare to leave that guy, she already broke up with nice guy nr1 and she would like me to understand that we could never be a couple, but rather very good friends (since i have managed to open up for stuff she hasn't told anyone) or something more.

The last one made me realize the bitter truth i have stated above. And the fact that i have seen similar stories repeating over and over again, makes that realization more frightening.

 

Speaking of women who enjoy being mistreated, you're better off single than with a woman who likes that. And yeah, it must suck that women are like that where you live. But it doesn't suck that you don't have one.

As for the nice guy being the easy one to get and to keep, I guess we're still in the paradigm of the nice guy problem. Many women, especially young, don't realise that they have different standards for themselves and for their guys. I've heard from some who complain about men cheating on them, but when they cheat, it's the guy's fault for not meeting their needs. Alternatively, a guy is bad if he can't "accept it", i.e. the fact he has been cheated on. Guys being bigger and stronger and all, women do have to pay attention to how they are treated, as well as they need to make sure the guy will treat his future family right, which is normal, but the thing I'm talking about is obviously different. I think objectification happens both ways, it's not just some men seeing women as toys.

As for the multiple relationships, that's a sickening one. I refuse to abide any excuses from people who have more than one relationship at a time, no matter if it's "only kissing" or some such. Even religious people nowadays and even Catholics are going out of their way to interpret Christian morality in such a way as to accommodate polyamory. It sucks, it's wrong, it's emotional greed.

I remember a girl who most likely had several relationships in real life but also flirted with several other guys online, including cybersex or close, claiming it was just online i.e. not real, she was getting friends that way etc etc. Then there was that guy who had a fiancee he sometimes called wife and who felt wrong when being hit on by workmates in real life, but had no problem flirting with said girl, by which I don't just mean compliments. At some point, his fiancee found out and he was angry at the unidentified person who told her, but saw nothing bad in his behaviour, still claiming it was just online and the fiancee wasn't in her right when suspecting and leaving him. Perhaps one full day passed before he was asking me about the girl (I had met her once in real life) and didn't see the world besides her. She was animalishly hot for him, as well, and asking me things all the time, but still tried teasing me as if to find out if she could get me. Blaaah. I left them to their fate and cared no more, while they turned hostile towards me in the meantime for whatever reason. In her case, perhaps for my not being curious if she was a good kisser or not or some such.

All in all, I'm inclined to conclude that in most cases people get what they deserve.

 

I am more concerned about the easy way out, people seem to adopt more and more in our days.
It is the easy way out to accuse the other one for your misfortune.

It's easier to just say she/he does not satisfy my needs so i have another relationship, instead of sitting down both and find out what the problem is.

In general that ease of use we have managed to embed in the everyday things we use, has started silently and subconsciously to dominate our sentimental world and life too.

 

Denial of responsibility. Nobody wants to grow up.

 

And yet everyone wants what a grown up can have.
That is not just denial of responsibility, it is more like reckless driving.
People want as much as they can get with less effort and cost as possible. While that may be a very good attitude in our everyday trades for physical objects, it is a very risky attitude when ones deals with feelings.
If both people are like this then noone gets hurt (and they never build a serious realtionship).
If one is like this, then the other get a very deep scar on his heart.
Trully a sad era for mankind if you ask me

 

Yeah, it is sad. I don't think about it much, but I often find it quite hard to deal with the way other people (and even myself) act in day-to-day life, which I suppose is why I visit places like this to get my social fix instead.

 

The best way to deal with the situation in my mind, although it often drains some of the 'romance' out of the relationship. Is to simply be blunt about your feelings and emotions.

Works a treat for me, and more often than not it sets the woman at ease knowing exactly where I'm coming from. Of course I could probably lie but with the things I say, why would I?

I've been heartbroken in the past, I didn't let it get me down, I just became thicker skinned.

 

@Mithrantir:

You could say no injustice happens to anyone, but it's not like they both can't be hurting each other and much moret than they could realise. IMHO that's the case with most relationships between people. Don't you think? Especially among the younger generation.

Besides, people often agree to trial or open arrangements for fear of losing the person they love. That's not right and it's not right for people who are loved to demand such concessions.

 

@ Chev
you are absolutely right i should have said that.
It is true that noone can be completely insensitive or too thick skinned to avoid a scar on his/her heart at some point.

The bad thing is that what you are saying about the trial or open relationship agreements is becoming more and more popular.

But this is mainly because the fear of a crappy investment always exists in their minds. Mainly subconciously. The plethora of choices today, has spoiled the need for trying.

If you don't like that woman/guy you can always find the next one within minutes. So why start a full commitment realtionship when one can have sex and still looking for more sex (because sentiment is just not a fitting piece in the puzzle).

The joy of accomplishing something wonderfull is being lost in the easyness of finding mates. The easyness of getting some sex, wins over the hard process of finally making love with someone