Random Relationship Babbling Thread (alias Relationship Rant Thread #2)

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Well! It's been a long time since my last rant here!

Time to fix that.

This time, my rant is about my uncanny knack at attracting woman engaged in serious relationships. I've got this girl in my class who has been with her bf (which happens to be my friend) for three years now, and guess what? Lately, she's been giving me subtle hints of her interest for me. I do return her feelings... but to steal a friend's gf? No way. If I ever am with her someday, it'll be on the condition that he gives his blessing.

Honestly, with a few exceptions, nearly every woman who gets a crush on me is engaged in a serious relationship. WTF? You'd be willing to throw away a serious, lasting relationship just to be with me? Honestly, I just don't get that concept.

 

Good you have that humility. Humility pays off. Waiting for his blessing would be a tad bit extreme but yeah, stealing a friend's girlfriend would be bad.

Okay, it may be possible to meet the love of one's life while being in a serious relationship, but if you see a pattern there, you'd better be careful. I wouldn't be trusting of women who fall in love like that, and especially if they hit on you, especially if there's no intention of breaking up with their current partners.

Perhaps you have something which attracts taken women? Maybe the kind of thing they lack in something that lasts? Don't know... kind of sense of humour, spontaneity and non-routine. That could be it.

 

Waiting for his blessing sounds extreme, Chev? Maybe it is. But one lesson I learned the hard way is to never place love before friends. So if he gives his blessing, I keep a friend and gain a lover, which is the best scenario. If not, then so be it, I won't make any moves on her. I don't think losing a friend for a woman is a good trade. And I know what I'm talking about. And she didn't made any hits, as you would say, just some subtle hints every now and then.

As for the repeating pattern, and from all the hard data I've collected on the field (that would be getting to know the said woman as friends), none of those were relationship jumpers. All of them had been in fairly long and stable relationships before. So that factor is out of consideration.

Sense of humour, spontaneity and non-routine would indeed sum me pretty well. Maybe that would be it. Now that I think of it, I remember one of those woman telling me that she liked my natural odor. Maybe there's the possibility of some biological factor...?

 

Don't touch her. Friends will last you WAY longer than a highschool hookup (or hookER - take your pick).

I'd never want to be with a girl that would want to 'trade in and trade up' when it comes to a relationship. She values some warped sense of personal worth more than loyalty (My current boyfriend isn't good enough for me, but HE might be). She does it once, she'll do it again and you'll be on the end with all the heartache.

I have the exact opposite problem as you DotW: girls pine after me when I'M already in a relationship when before they showed no interest at all. It's a pity sometimes because I would have 'prefered' the girl with newly found feelings for me but that usually passes pretty quickly after I hit myself a few times and remind myself 'the grass is always, ALWAYS, greener on the other side'.

 

My thoughts exactly.

But like I said, she's been with a small number of guys, and all of them were quite serious long-term affairs. Something about me drives her crazy, I guess. At any rate, I'll watch things unfold, and see what happens.

Yeah, that happened to me a few times, too. I embarked on a relationship with a woman I wasn't madly in love (only moderatly) with because my "true love" (in that context, the one I really loved) seemed to have no interest for me whatsoever. After a few weeks (and a few beers) my "true love" and I were discussing, and the cat finally popped up out of the bag: she did indeed loved me. She was so secretive about it that I never knew. Had I knew... things might have been different, I will never know.

As for now... I'm enjoying some time alone. Considering the catastrophic outcome of my last relationship, I'm certainly not in a hurry to be in a relationship anytime soon.

True, true. I guess we never fully appreciate what we have.

 

@DotW:

You got me wrong or I wasn't clear... Relationship jumpers aren't maybe normal in the sense of what we would normal, but they operate on a more or less clear principle: they jump relationships. In your case, we are talking about women who have stable relationships but still choose to drop hints, see if a different guy from their partner is interested.

I'm not saying it's oh so horribly morally wrong. It may or may not be. Depends on their situation. But in all cases, it's alarming. Whatever has happened to the previous partner may happen to you.

Relationships with women or men who aren't as important as friends are good what for? What purpose do they serve? The kind of fuzzy feeling they provide or the sugar rush is something one can live without. Or get from watching a film. Whatever. I don't believe having a relationship with a person one barely knows is a good idea. Let alone if it's not a friend.

@Abomination:

I would necessarily put it in so hard words but yeah. I'm not really saying it's wrong because if the new guy is better for her, then all the better for her. Well, for her, not for other people. But she won't make a guy happy by being with him on a "best model I could find in the given time" basis, so hope she finds someone she sticks with. Better to change boyfriends early than to break a family and start a new one in her thirties.

Hmm... I thought about that. Maybe it's the just grass is greener feeling and DotW is simply more sensitive than the average person and can spot such signs more easily? There's nothing wrong per se with taken women being attracted to him, but dropping signs of attraction is different from giving hints. Also, some people drop hints because they can't control it and some because they actually can. Meaning they know they can control it and they let it pass rather than suppress it and hoard inside.

@DotW again:

Serial monogamy? Have you perhaps considered the thought that maybe she's in a constant relationship but it's just the person of the boyfriend who changes?

Damn, that must suck. In retrospect, I think I've had to reevaluate a couple of my acquaintances and some situations from the past are clear when being reviewed in memory from the perspective of more experience. Fortunately, I'm over that and they're over that, as well.

Okay, it's not like I'm trying to preach and tell you what to do or whatever, but if you aren't ready for a relationship, please try not to jump into one and harm yourself as well as someone else... Sometimes people aren't ready for a relationship but still need a hug and some fuzzy feeling and someone else ends up hurt, which doesn't help the original hurt person's recovery.

Yes, but the sense of loss isn't always your friend. I remember it driving me to get back into a relationship that wasn't a healthy one. Sort of Episode III lesson. You can try not to lose something, but you can't control everything.

 

I have an uncanny knack for that as well, it seems.

I am fond of her, yes, but that doesen't mean I *HAVE* to be in a relationship. Nor do I have the intention to jump into another relationship, TBT. I just got out of a relationship that ended in a double-cross of trust (with the half-chinese one, that is), and I still am in the recovery period. What's more, I barely know that one. Besides, lowering my standards is not a way to honor the memory of my fiancee.

Nicely said, Chev. This reminds me of the "love fast-food" we discussed earlier in that thread.

 

Indeed. And my idea is that if people have to have it, let them better get it done and over with before they grow up and enter the world of packed sandwiches replacing hastily purchased burgers.

 

Those burgers aren't good for you in the long run but they taste sooooo good now.

I love the metaphor.

 

I will have few days off so I can spend tons of time with my GF

 

What a coincidence! I head to work all week, all night. So I had no time at all to find my future GF.

 

I have a friend who wishes that her husband would die suddenly and that would make life much better for her.

I really didn't indicate one way or the other how I feel about her husband to her.

 

Uh, wow. Can you elaborate? This sounds a mite spicy.

 

Agreed. *me slaps myself sharply behing the head*

Well, thankfully, the woman I mentioned in my last rant seems to have lost interest... or to have put her feelings for me on ice, hopefully, because I did the same. Both she and her bf (my friend) were obviously edgy today, exchanging insults and the like. I certainly hope I'm not the center of that turmoil... if I am, I will step down and take my distances, I have no wish to be a cause of conflict.

 

`--- what the hell are you supposed to do when someone you chatted somewhat and considered a friend of sorts when you were 16 suddenly shows up and starts proclaiming how much he likes you and being beyond flirty in the zomg-i-am-interested.in-you way, with lots and lots of refusing to accept the fact that you have grown up, and spouting platitudes about your kind heart and such?

 

Well if he's not your type Ara, just try the truth. It will hurt him a lot less if you lay it strait from the start. If you don't tell him how you feel - or more likely how you don't feel, then he will just get more clingy with false hope.

If you have a hard time getting rid of him you might tell him about your plan to have a plethora of Araletts. If it doesn't scare him to death you might reconsider your opinion of the guy.

 

Not your type is a good option. He won't feel guilty or anything because that's not something that depends on him. It simply says you aren't interested and won't be, with no leading on.

 

"not your type" hits nearly as hard as "wasn't into you" but I agree that letting him know at thestart is the best course, bec at least then he and you don't feel too bad about it.

 

Hmm... I've been told that and it doesn't really feel that bad. After all, you can't have it with someone who is taken or related to you by blood or something. So things won't happen if you aren't the right type, either. But the "not into you", "no chemistry" and all such, that's still somewhat honest but much more painful. And I really don't like the "appreciate you as a friend" kind of talk, mostly because friendship is not a consolation prize and real friends are connected by something more than just a couple of dates, so it doesn't really sound proper.

Hmm... I think when it really sucks and hurts is when someone has been blatantly flirting with you and then says there's no chemistry or some such. Or when you're being given stories about difficult personal life or lack of time for social life and then see the same person with someone else. Basically, I think if there have been no romantic signs... and I don't mean slightly confusing things but some more real stuff, then a decent, grown guy should be able to deal with it.

 

You know, what you said seems logical enough but I've met a lot of guys who just don't take the hint. There may be no romantic signs whatsoever but often a heart-sick mind can see "signs" where there really are none. If a person is used to rejection then the act of someone being friendly to them might easily be misunderstood as romantic interest. There is a reason for the phrase - "Love is blind." I think most people can think of at least one person who was unable to see certain traits in a person they were newly infactuated with. For that reason it may not be that easy to understand there is no interest coming from another party.