Random Relationship Babbling Thread (alias Relationship Rant Thread #2)

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Yeah, I saw you removed it... but I'm too lazy to edit my post...

Nah, just kidding.

Hey, glad my wisdom helps. Anyhoo, keep us informed about what happens... and if Chev shows up someday, he might give another point of view. I'm not saying I hold the absolute truth... but it seems the rational and logical thing to do.

 

Yeah, I am going to wait for multiple opinions, just to make sure that they are relatively in accord. I don't want to screw things up.

 

A wise decision. I'll bug Chev to try to get him here...

 

It has to be mutual. You should feel her out immediately (but very carefully) to see if she feels the same. If she does, the two of you can split with no hurt feelings and just a general feeling of disappointment. That'll eventually disappear, your friendship will grow closer from the familiarity, and this could actually be a good thing.

If she's still passionate, though, you've got a big problem. If you tell her right away, it could get messy; if you don't tell her and she finds out some other way, she'll be furious and it will get messy. Luck and knowledge of the kind of person she is and how she might react are your best helpers. GL.

 

Yeah, but if I talk to her about it, and she still has feelings for me (which I think she does), how am I supposed to handle it? I am not going to let her find out from another source.

 

Well, your choice is between being completely honest with her (which hopefully will get you some points if you can ride out the initial shock) and waiting until she feels the same as you (which might never happen and it's hard keeping such a big secret). Be honest, but caring; you do still care about her feelings, right? You have to understand what she would feel in that situation and allow for it.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: If something you say upsets her, shut up and think for a moment. Don't automatically defend yourself, or try to turn it on her (i.e. saying she could have done more for your relationship can get you killed). You may have a problem with wanting to keep your friends while ending the relationship, but having someone you love confess that they don't feel the same is way, WAY bigger. This is about her feelings, not yours.

 

Yup, I totally agree with the Big Cat here.

Honesty is the way to go - but remember there's a thin line between honesty and being blunt.

 

Yes, there is quite a thin line... I am trying to work out right now how to keep it honest but not too blunt, but predicting how she will react is difficult.

Thank you two very much!


/me waits for Chev

EDIT: Would any females like to give me their opinion on this, if they are not in agreement with what has been said so far? I would like as many opinions as possible, and those of the same gender as my girlfriend (so, female) would be a nice addition to my thoughts.

[ December 08, 2005, 03:16: Message edited by: Saber ]

 

@Saber: Losing a friend in her in case you break up may be a concern. But you shouldn't worry so much about an ex-girlfriend screwing up your friendships with other people. People aren't normally out to hurt you. Some are, but you won't avoid that anyway. In short, if you don't want to be with her, then don't be with her and deal with the consequences. Never give in to emotional blackmail, especially self-imposed.

If you know that she won't be civil with you if you break up with her, this means that perhaps she isn't really the girl for you (I take it you prefer polite girls who can talk like responsible adults). If you mind civility or lack of it so much, then being with someone who easily becomes rude is going to be a pain. A pain you don't want.

As for passion, passion lasts a year. You can rekindle the passion, perhaps getting another year. But passion lasts a year and resembles a psychological (personality) disturbance. To put it bluntly, it's akin to psychosis. After that year passes, you can think straight and decide if you want to be with that person or not. But the passion you lose you will only get for just one year from someone else. Sexual tension fades away. Doesn't mean feelings do. And you can't build a relationship on sexual tension, anyway.

It's only normal that other girls will appeal to you. Sometimes I wonder if we don't actually choose at least some friends of the other gender because they attract us (while we don't feel the big thing in their direction). People learn to live with it. Sometimes married people quite easily say they would go out with you if they weren't married. Or that you would be the next pick after wife/hubby.

That's not a problem. You would have a problem if you tried to attract girls other than your gf. Not just look good or appear to be a healthy male with a respectable position in the ranking ( ), which is normal, but if you tried to attract individual people with faces and names in such strong ways that they could start fantasising about you or fall in love or some such.

What about your girlfriend? Passion is what you feel but it takes a woman to inspire. Is she still the same girl you fell in love with or has she changed, shown her hidden face, started taking you for granted? An example of taking you for granted would be putting on ten pounds, cutting hair the male way and no longer caring to dress nicely. Hidden faces include habits, attitudes and other things people hide from outsiders, such as addictions, anger control issues, bad table manners, swearing, low hygiene, difficulty staying faithful etc.

Also, has she given you any reason to appreciate other women more than before? People feel like that when they aren't secure in their relationships. Is she devoted to you alone or does she flirt with other people, act is sexually provoking ways etc? I don't mean things like a couple of hugs and some sweet talk with friends, but hitting on people, slow-dancing with handsome strangers, showing off her female parts, playing truth or dare with lots of dare etc. The more serious stuff. Not something you do on impulse or by force of habit, but something that looks like your brain works like that of a single person. I don't know your girlfriend and I'm certainly not trying to blame or berate her, but perhaps it isn't only you who have the problem?

If your passion hasn't simply worn out because of time, maybe you feel ignored? Or maybe you feel like you are being replaced or erm... supplemented? I don't even mean cheating. I remember a girlfriend who spent so much time and effort trying to appear sexy to other guys that she had no time to do the same for me. The relationship lasted one week. I also had a gf or two who dressed provocatively because I was making her feel sexy and it didn't end well. Listening to how other guys are sexy hasn't been my forte, either. Being ignored or talked rudely to has never been helpful, either. I know each guy is different but we aren't as different from one another as we suppose. Perhaps it's the same for you. Maybe one of these situations is coming true in your life and it isn't just passion fading away. To be happy with a woman, a guy needs to know that he's really special. That getting her wasn't a matter of sheer luck, while he was as good as any other guy. That she wants him and isn't comparing him to other guys, trying to get them attracted etc. He must also feel respected and given enough attention (for guys, getting attention is probably divided between being respected and being wanted, anyway). Without any of these, a guy won't be happy and quite frankly, I believe everyone deserves this in a relationship, anyway. Means women also deserve a guy who doesn't charm other women, respects them, makes feel special and gives attention, which I have always tried to be.

As for women, I've been specifically asked to drop gentle hints and not make it clear, and I've been asked to speak openly, as well. Depends on the woman.

@DotW: I read it but only reply when I have something valuable to say. I've had some delay now, but my day was long and I lost the internet connection 1.5 hours ago, I think.

 

Chev, you are truly wonderful.


She has done/does none of the things that you have said that is bad for a relationship. She doesn't flirt with any other guy, she definately doesn't show off her "female parts", and she does give me special attention. However, I never get to see her besides around a half hour per day during school, so we can't even do anything. I never see her over the weekend, not for lack of trying, but for both of us being busy. Plus, over the summer, I saw her once, and once only. Because I rarely get to see her, my passion slowly began draining. Now I don't really have any left.

It hasn't been rekindled, because we haven't even done anything. And by anything, I mean, go on dates, see each other outside of school, etc.

We are not so different. However, she has not done anything of the sort.

I just don't know. I don't have the passion anymore, not her. It's me who doesn't want to be in the relationship. It seems she still does, which is the problem with the mutuality of the situation.

I am very glad and appreciative that you are helping, Chev, but I just don't know what to do about it.

 

That looks bad. You can't have a relationship where you only see each other for half an hour and only five days out of seven and only in a social setting. Why did you see her only once in the summer? Is it a problem with her family?

Well, both of you deserve someone who is there. If it doesn't seem to bother her and she's well enough just knowing you are her bf, then perhaps she has a seriously decreased need for this kind of socialisation. If neither of you can find the time to talk with the other, go somewhere, whatever, then perhaps you don't need each other. Maybe one or both of you wanted someone but didn't want to be with someone, so to put it. After all, no one is busy that he or she can't find the time to go out with the bf/gf once a week or talk for some time during the day. It's more of a matter of all other things being more important than the bf/gf. If you both could find the time if you cared but you never do, then it doesn't work out. If it's only she, then you shouldn't feel guilty for ending it.

 

Well said, Chev. Seems my own advice was pale in the light of yours...

Well, Saber, you had mine, Big Cat and Chev's opinion... and seems we all pretty much say the same thing. The rest is in your hands, dude!

 

Good luck, whichever way you go. My final advice is be honest. Doesn't meant compulsive honesty syndrome but you know the drill... don't lie etc. And give her the answers if she insists. Be polite as much you can and try not to be critical, judgemental or otherwise disappointed but don't take the blame on yourself and don't say it's okay when it isn't.

 

Alrighty, I think I'm prepared... not going to be a happy situation, though. However, I do have a problem: when should I? Tomorrow (friday)? Or should I wait until monday...? Timing is everything, or so I've heard.


Thank you three very much!

 

When you feel ready. And don't rush it. There's not really any good or bad time for that. It's just when you're ready and when she isn't busy or down.

I think perhaps you shouldn't burn your bridges. Perhaps tell her that seeing her so rarely has burnt your passion down. You don't need to cut the ties with her. You coupled up for some reason, didn't you? Maybe together you can find a solution. Try not to attack her and not to get defensive, either.

 

Tell her how you feel (in a respectful, but honest way) as soon as possible.

Neither you nor the girl deserve to live in a lie.

And don't give in to her tears.

 

@Chev: I totally disagree with you on that one, mate. Staying friends with an ex is a bad idea.

[ December 09, 2005, 01:23: Message edited by: Disciple of The Watch ]

 

What a terrible generalisation. I know plenty of examples of when it is fine to stay friends with an ex. All depends on the individual situation.

 

@HB: You don't have to agree with me. That's just my opinion. If you remain friends with your exes is your buisness - I know I never do it.

 

In my view, someone who isn't your friend shouldn't really become your girlfriend. Exceptions apply as there is always the increased scope and role of the matching processes. I don't think I could live with a woman who weren't a friend (it would be way easier to do without passion). At the same time, I don't believe the downfall of a romantic relationship is a reason to end friendship.

Relationships fall apart for various reasons. Sometimes you second-guess yourself. Or you realise you don't click. Or I don't know... personalities or values don't coincide. Or expectations differ too much. Dragging the relationship on would serve no purpose but friendship can perhaps be saved. Or if one person stops being interested or decides he/she isn't ready for a relationship, after all, but is honest about it. My perspective on it is not one of reducing a romantic relationship to friendship, but one of not turning your back on someone who is, apart from being your lover, also your friend. Of course, it's a different thing when you split up because of dishonesty or abuse.