Relationship Rant Thread #3

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*EDIT* See my other post.

[ August 19, 2006, 06:24: Message edited by: Disciple of The Watch ]

 

Speaking of exes, I'm infuriated with mine.

Even if breaking up was a decision we came up with together, I still want to rub it in her face that she made a bad decision, I mean that she cheated on me.

So I know what you might feel DoTW. I really do.

I want her to beg on her bloody knees for me to get back with her just that I could say no. I'm getting the feeling that by breaking up she got the better deal. Then again, what would that make me? Bitter, at least, but makes me think that I...no I couldn't have tried more not losing myself competely. So maybe it does come down to that people just don't fit together, that chemistries don't work and that sort of thing.

But I'm still mad at her. And if I'd ever get in contact with her again, I'd probably make her wish we wouldn't have. And I'd make her feel so guilty for what she did and what that did to us, and she should feel guilty about it.

Being betrayed like that makes me doubt if I'll ever be able to trust another person like I did trust her. I miss her so much, but I hate her for what she did.

But after pouring this venom I feel now and I feel like doing that now, but maybe I'll just be happy if she'll ever contact me and maybe if I'd get it said, water under the bridge, maybe then we could be even best of friends.

 

Someone who understands me, finally. To get an idea of how I feel, take what being cheated on makes you feel and multiply it by three, since I was cheated on my three last relationships.

But back on topic, I used to be so furious (after learning about the cheating, relationship after relationship) that none of my friends or family tried to reason me, and they just stood out of my way.

I had revenge on all three - cheated back on all three, just like they did to me. I am a strong believer of "education", as Abomination would say.

Nowadays, when I ever stumble upon any of my exes, I'm just gripped by a numbing coldness. I am no longer pissed, maybe because they were properly "educated".

However, those three cheatings in a row had a destructive beyond words effect on trust - I'm very, very, very distrustful when it comes to potential partners - there is but one woman that I feel I can trust, and she is becoming my best friend.

Back in the day, I used to jump in relationships with woman I barely knew, and it has been a nasty bag of surprises, which has brought me one insight: become friends before considering becoming something more.

 

@Undertaker
Congratulations! I have 2 of my own and I think children are a blessing. They can be trying but they also open your eyes to new experiences in ways you would never expect.

@ DotW
I am sorry to read about all of your relationship troubles. The first woman I ever truely loved cheated on me as well and I thought I could never heal. She was also my first lover.

I later met my wife who I have now been married to almost 16 years. There were many women between the two but none ever hurt me like my first love. My wife and I have had our ups and downs but stuck it out for the sake of love and our commitment to one another as well as God. My marriage is stronger today than it has ever been.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to remember that there are a lot of good people out there as well as the bad ones. Be more careful with your heart but don't wall it off. When you close yourself off you can not feel the good you just continue to hurt from the bad. Sure you might find bad times again but you WILL find good times as well. I pray that for you the good will outweigh the bad.

Sorry for going on but this is a rant post right?

 

*shrugs* Bah, don't worry about me. I made bad choices in the past, and I make sure not to repeat them. If you have learned from a bad experience, then the said experience was worth it. The past shapes us, and what we are today is the result of what we went through. I wouldn't be what I am today had I not lived what I went through. It was not an easy journey, and I have been through emotional hell and back, but I have survived, and have gained considerable wisdom in relationship terms through those experiences.

 

Good attitude DotW. Didn't hear that in previous posts and was concerned.

 

Every so often I bump into a girl that stood me up. I used to be angry with her, until she married the worst spide that you can ever imagine. Sweet justice

 

She married a building? Or the chav in front?

 

I was just using that image as an example of what a typical Belfast Chav/Spide/Ned looks like.

 

/me casts Protection from Graphomania on self

@Iku-Turso:

Been there, felt that. Always wanted to see them realise dumping or turning me was a bad decision. But later I realised it was mostly for me to feel better about myself. Nowadays, they know the best if it was good or bad for them and I wish them all the best, anyway.

Everyone gets the better deal by breaking up after cheating. She doesn't have to live with guilt, you don't have to force yourself to be generous and forgiving and pretend everything is the same. She's young and deserves better than spending the rest of her life with a cheater's label and you deserve better than being cheated on.

That's right, but sometimes I think what if I actually did that thing, how would I feel? How would I like people to treat me after that? Am I really that strong, or is it just I haven't had the same kind of opportunity or maybe is my temptation weaker? Let's better leave them be and one day they will know.

Yeah, that's possible, especially if she realises how bad cheating is and maybe you empathise with the situation she was in, and it turns out you two didn't really match that way (which seems to be the case). You'll be hurt until you either get over her romantically or you start thinking you could be with her again if you were both inclined that way.

@DoTW:

Perhaps you didn't know those girls too well. If it's the real thing, cheating doesn't happen. Or maybe cheating would be forgiven generously and never again brought up in talk or thought. Don't know. I don't want to defend anyone per se, but people are weak and they aren't always thoroughly bad. I hate cheating, but I know some people who have cheated or even still do that are better people than I will ever be.

Besides, there are more ways in which trust can be violated. Some people would never cheat but they would hurt you. Some will cheat but won't even raise voice. Others will side with other people against you, but wouldn't cheat because they have too much discipline for that. Or because of upbringing. Shall we condemn a loving, kind and cheerful but substantially weak-willed person more readily than a cold, arrogant and condescending one who will never cheat but will still turn your life into misery? In such situations, I just think it would be better not to judge. Let them live and seek forgiveness and try to make things right.

Yeah, I could tell you about that. Or sometimes it's probably been catching a good catch or simply having a girlfriend, no? One's better off without that kind of thing and friendship is always good, anyway.

@Wiley One:

Hope you don't mind my chiming into your exchange with DoTW, but I've had some of that and eventually I've come to think much of the pain was self-inflicted, probably most of it. Could just have moved on with life and not wallowed in it.

Yes, that's important. Back in the day, I hardly thought about God when dealing with girls. Once I started to, things improved. When one just wants a girlfriend, or company, or some fun, or is hooking up with someone who just seems to be a good catch, why should one expect great things? I fail to see where God is in that. Apart from teaching lessons... sometimes I take it that way. When one stops going after the popular types or the sexy ones or whatever, and starts valuing a good, kind, warm and self-giving one, things change quite a lot. And this doesn't mean the good and kind ones can't be spectacular.

The bad ones teach you to value the good ones and to value goodness itself. It's experience of suffering that makes people good and kind and compassionate sometimes. Feeling the bad on your own skin makes you able to understand people's suffering better and to side with the good and not the bad. Even some of the bad people aren't really bad but just misguided and suffering a lot. We don't know how we would turn out after experiencing what they did. Sometimes Sometimes experiencing good may turn them back to the path they once loved.

Hehe, used to think that way. Seeing my replacement was the best cure for feeling bad for being replaced. But in reality, if I loved the girl, I should have wished her the best guy she could find, even if she had a poor knack for choosing.

 

@Chev: Thanks yet again. I just need to vent every now and then, and don't we all. I know I'll get over her eventually, but as I moved into another town a couple of weeks ago and since I'm starting my studies this week, I've found myself in a completely new situation, and that's pretty daunting.

In this kind of situations it's not that uncommon to have a longing for those times with my ex, since relationships give you strength. That's mainly what I miss about being with my ex right now.

And to think of it, it was something that had brought us together, that need to draw strength from one another. When she no longer needed that from me, we started to drift apart. It feels that this is as it should be. Now I will find the strength from within myself instead of looking towards my ex to serve me as a crutch. As I wasn't dependent on her, having her around made some things easier, which ultimately held me back for it kept me learning those things by myself.

Having been without a relationship for little over six months I can recommend this experience to anyone bent on finding that special someone. Learning your way by yourself is worth it by my opinion.

Maybe some day that special someone will come along, the future's wide open with possibilities, but it'll come along, so no worries. Waiting for some things makes the time worthwile, but you might have to wait like a desert waits a rain. Dispassionately.

 

Yeah, they were more charming strangers than anything else. I got to know the said woman better while in a relationship with them... that's how I was. But back to cheating, gathering up the needed courage to break up the relationship is so much better than cheating - goes without saying it causes much less damage to the person at the receiving end. I too hate cheating, but if the situation warrants it - like to "educate" someone - then I WILL do it.

There is no forgiveness, no redemption, when it comes to cheating. I would prefer someone with a strong will who would bluntly tell me that it's time to move on. Regardless of how much it can hurt, it is an insignificant pain compared to that of being cheated on.

Yeah, friendship is a now a mandatory criteria when it comes to the possibility of something more.

I'm chiming in favor of the other party here, Chev. Getting cheated on by your first true love hurts, and hurts bad. Worst than regular cheating.

You know, that reminds me of an anecdote that happened a couple years ago... I was in a relationship with a woman, who ended up cheating on me - the second one in the serie of three, actually. A couple of days after, I learned it, and was justifiably pissed. I was on my way to beat his sorry ass into oblivion when my phone rang... it was a friend of mine. It seems that the bastard in question got hit by a car while rollerblading. My friend arrived on the scene of the accident some couple minutes after, and then called me. Quietly delighting the bitter irony, I went back home, then my bro mockingly said that surely a Dark Angel of Vengeance watched over me... Epilogue: the driver who hit him was cleared of all charges, since it was the fool's imprudent behavior who had caused the accident.

 

Hmm... Really? Cheating happens, the cheater offers lame excuses or shifts the blame on you, you break up and throw a party. Where's the pain? I think there's more pain when you're being rejected in favour of a better model or when you love each other but have to split up because you won't make it with your incompatible characters.

Oh well, there was that girl who treated me differently alone with me and in the presence of other people, or when she needed something or didn't really, flirted with other guys behind my back and so on. But years after, I realised she had hardly been ready for a relationship and she wasn't probably interested in me that way but gave in to pressure and persistence, while she had that crush on some other guy. I made her into the initiator of my torment, but it was self-inflicted for the major part. Shouldn't probably call it first love, either. As Sean Connery said, let each woman have the man she wants. Best punishment ever for the ill choosers. All the best to her, although I'm not particularly interested in ever meeting her.

/me puts on Glasses of Intelligent Appearance +6

Well, you see, some women go for risk takers. It's genetic programming. Some may be able to beat it by nature, but most need nurture. Your girl was an inexperienced young species and the fool was a generic risk taker. However, there is also a competing programme compelling women to stick with the cautious types. I'm not sure but the fact that women are more fertile in less stressful situations (if maybe less inclined to have sex than under the influence of adrenaline) might be of some significance.

This looks hazy indeed, but there might be an explanation. While risk-takers have something to attract women (they provide healthy genetic material, as well as more resources and better status but they may die young as may their offspring if it inherits the trait), the latter don't really fall for exposing oneself to danger pointlessly unless they are inexperienced or feisty or naive... Maybe living in a male-dominated, harsh environment? However, other men are impressed by risk takers. As a result, a foolish risk taker will normally be admired by other men and appear to be some sort of a leader of the pack. And you know who picks females in a pack, right? Except he isn't quite the leader when others start laughing at his foolishness.

Some reading maybe?

Link 1
Link 2 (different view)

 

Breakup party? Bad idea. Alcohol has a depressive effect on the nervous system, and while you might enjoy yourself for some time, reality and the depressive effects WILL catch up with you, and it usually makes things worst.

But anyway, even if the cheater sincerely regrets it, it's too bad but it's the end. Remember my "exceptionally bright" ex? I didn't forgive or forgot what she did, even though I mellowed up and made her move on with peace of mind.

Ehh... I certainly hope you're not refering to your girl here? If that's the case, then welcome back to the Bachelor's club.

Yes, you're right - but woman's attraction to risk-takers eventually shifts in favor of someone stable and secure, a provider of some kind, as you have said yourself.

There's also the factor of the hypersexualized society - guys who are different - like you and me - read not obsessed with fornication, and looking for a relationship in the emotional sense and not the physical - usually are the underdogs, and often overlooked. Not a big deal, however. I'll stick to what I believe in, thank you very much. I'd rather be single and find someone truly special person than fornicating a different woman every day of the year (Just the idea of being something so despicable as a mass fornicater sends shivers down my spine)

 

It sort of worked for could have beens...

Naah. Was talking about that one from elementary school ages ago.

Haven't managed to work out the pattern fully yet, though. A large number is into complete asses that are neither risk takers nor providers. Things complicate a bit when a woman doesn't need a provider per se but neither is she into risk takers anymore. My guess is that makes for a mix of traits.

You're better off that way, really. As is your complexion. Seriously though, it's no loss to be out of the **** buddy circulation. I used to make sure my Catholic convinctions would pop up in mixed company to spare me some weeding off.

Hypersexualisation reduced people to animal level. They just don't normally see it the same way as eating all the time, habitual drunkenness or something equally obvious.

 

"Sort of" is the keyword here.

/me stashes the Guiness back in the fridge

True, true.

You bet it's no big loss. And intimity becoming a regular habit akin to vital needs is truly a waste. Being intimate with someone is something truly special that should remain so.

 

Nah, I had a tradition of drinking a glass or ten of white wine to could have beens bouncing away. Didn't fail me. Parties weren't really a great idea, although getting somewhat tipsy and talking it over with a friend seemed to work. Except one shouldn't drown problems in alcohol, anyway.

Right. So special that when it doesn't come, it shouldn't be substituted by hookers or **** buddies. "Casual relationships," my foot.

On the other hand, some people don't really need all that sex. They just want a strong interpersonal bond. In these alienated times, they need artificial power ups for that kind of bond, so they go for the shortest route: sex. Some people at this point have sex with friends as a part of friendship. The reality is that they yearn for closeness they're missing in their lives.

 

Hmmm, I've had a few of those "casual relationships" and I enjoyed them very much. Sure they were fleeting but when you're not looking for emotional attachment they canbe quite pleasing especially when both parties know what they're in for.

Not to mention its the best type of relationship to have AFTER you've been cheated on.

 

You're damned right that alcohol is no solution.

Had I known you seven years back, before I met my fiancee, I would have agreed... but no longer. I'll have to disagree.

The best relationship to have after being cheated on is remaining single. I prefer to lay back and analyze what went wrong in that relationship and gain more insight for my next relationship and avoid repeating the same mistake than trying to catch another woman.

I am also adamantly against casual relationships, because if you're talking about the sexual dimension, as I have stated, being intimate with someone is special, and should never be "casual". Casual non-exclusive dating isn't my cup of tea either, because I'm a strong believer of monogamy.

Now, I'm not saying I'm the incarnation of purity, as I've had some casual relationships - f*** buddies (well, I've had only ONE), and was quick to notice this isn't for me.

If the formula works for you, Abomination, good on ya. It just never will with me. Or Chev.

 

Words to the wise. Words to the wise. I wouldn't be much in harmony with myself if I'd gone searching for casual sex for these six months.

Then again to each it's own, but I will think less of anyone claiming that casual sex makes them happy. It could make them happier, but I can see that they are missing something which they cannot exclaim. This would make settling down as realizing what you've been missing all the time.