Relationship Rant Thread #3

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Rude is what you understood it as.

 

Congratulations to your brother, Disciple.

I must have been thinking rather innocently lately- I didn't notice that one until Daie pointed it out!

 

It's easy to handle them. Just don't be phased by any emotional outburst and play 'hard to get' emotionally.

They'll be putty in your hands.

 

More like understand them better. It's not like emotional outbursts are necessarily intended to make us comply with a request or drop a subject. It's not like we don't have emotional outbursts as guys, either. Don't have to treat them as superiors or actually break them to bow to your will, either. Just be enough of a man to care for the woman without giving up your points or to hold your ground without trampling over her, whichever way you want to put it.

Biologically, some women might be somewhat strongly conditioned to make sure they have a secure position in the relationship with the guy who's supposed to provide for and protect them and their children, thus leading to the woman trying to subjugate the guy's will and dominate the relationship. Some measure of it can be lived with and dealt with (it's not like guys don't try to make sure it's know who's the one wearing the breeches), but sometimes the person, be it female or male (we can have some nasty programming too), needs a bit more time to get over the biology. Subjecting yourself is not worth it, but turning the other person into a drone is no fun unless you're a psycho.

 

*Sigh*
My girlfriend is being slightly annoying lately. Not the typical annoying, but some things that she does bother me. For example, we are going to a concert together on the 20th (RHCP) with another of my friends. We have had the plans since May. One of her other friends (male, that she talks about alot, and always has fun with) has better tickets, and she said she was thinking about going with him. I can understand if she wants to have better seats, but it is frustrating that her friends always have better things than I do, so she wants to do things with them more than me. It hurts a little when I hear her say "I really want to go with him, but I won't because it would make you angry." It wouldn't make me angry, I would just feel slightly betrayed... we've had plans for many months, and the only reason she won't break them is because she would feel a little bad. Not because it would mean something to her to go with me... she would jump at any instant for the tickets. I understand they are her favorite band, but we rarely do cool things together like that, and she does stuff like that with her other friends. The concert for me isn't just a concert, it is something special between us...

And no, I'm not jealous of the kid she wants to go with (despite the fact that she constantly talks about him being awesome and having great times with him), its just frustrating to have her friends unintentionally outdo me...

Also, she said something to her friends about me today that was apparently hilarious, and they will tell everyone but me (proving its about me), and I would like to know (especially if its something humiliating), but she won't tell me. I ask why, and she says "Its not important." So I say, "Then if its not important, why won't you tell me?" And she repeats what she said earlier. I mean, if its not important, THEN WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME?! And yes, that might sound self centered to want to know what she said about me, but when people laugh so hard they get kicked out of the room they're in about me, I become just a little interested in what was so god damn funny.

And I know this is making her sound like something she isn't (a mean, selfish person), but she really isn't, these are just two things that she has done that are frustrating me.

/pirate voice

BLARGH!

/end pirate voice.

 

That's not good. NOT GOOD AT ALL.

I hear ya, Saber.

 

Then tell her what's going on and explain to her how you feel about it. From what I hear I'd dare say there's some underlying problem and her relationship with you isn't exactly one of romace but rather of having a boyfriend because it's the 'cool' thing to do...

Well, that's my opinion anyway.

 

...which I second.

It's not normal to constantly talk to your SO about someone else... I don't want to make you paranoid, Saber, but last time I lived this kind of situation, it ended grimly.

 

I had the exact same situation and lo and behold I was cheated on... guess who she cheated on me with? I don't think I need to draw you a picture.

 

I third the comments made by Abomination and Disciple of the Watch. Obviously we are taking the whole situation in ignorance of the overall context, but, in isolation, the things you have described sound like big red warning flags to me, based on personal experience.

 

The grim ending I was talking about was just that... lo and behold, she phones me to tell me she cheated on me, but refuses to tell me with who. She didn't needed to - I'm not a f****** idiot.

Saber, my man, think I'm gonna keep some Cherry Coke chilled for ya in the Bachelor's Club fridge, because this whole situation STINKS.

 

I don't want to alarm you Sabre but I would be careful if I were you... It doesn't sound good to me.

 

I'll jump in the bandwagon and tell you to either take some distance for awhile and let things cool off -- or move on entirely. Sounds harsh, but in general that kind of stuff isn't going to end like cheesy american romance movies.

Your inner alarm should be going off instantly. Oh, and incidentally? Good luck. You'll need it.

 

Realising you're only 16 years old, Saber, is the other thing. High-school romances, hormores suddenly rearing their ugly head, girl doesn't know what she wants, grass is always greener etc. etc.

Just confront her directly with your feelings, tell her your fears. If she starts the whole "You don't trust me" routine, just say that you don't trust her, tell her why and see what happens.

 

Saber, as much as I don't like judging people, I think I have to say your girlfriend is dumping material. And yes, it's not the ordinary thing of me to say, so the matter is quite serious as I see it.

I don't know if she's playing any game with you. Perhaps not. Probably not. I wouldn't even read into it: she just prefers to go with her other, male, friend, for better seats, after having planned it with you. She will actually leave you, her boyfriend, alone in the worse seat just so she can join him in the better ones. This is enough to dump someone for. I probably would.

As for the guy she wants to go with, I suppose you really aren't jealous, but you just feel wronged by her behaviour and you generally have the feeling that something wrong and unjust is going on. I can tell you that feeling is true. This is not to say she's acting on premeditated malice or any malice at all or anything premeditated. Fact is, I suppose she can't really sort out her feelings. It's possible that she only likes him and admires him a lot, without wishing she were single. But even that kind of feeling a girl has for a guy is quite problematic. And mind you that this comes from a guy who's had a lot of female friends, including some very close ones, and one who minds the girlfriend's male friends less [Edit: less, not more, obviously ] than other guys do. So if I say something is fishy, something is fishy.

I have to warn you I've always had a problem with people being in relationships and still drooling over idols and the like, so it's possible that I'm biased against your girlfriend's behaviour because she has one guy but constantly admires another. At any rate, I sense it's fishy, so it is.

Exactly.

Absolutely not and who cares, anyway. You have every right to ask. The situation you describe is already half a dumping ground.

I think the thought is crossing your mind and you are actually at least beginning to wonder if she really isn't actually a selfish, mean person. At least selfish. Mean not really. And I tend to agree that she is.

And she's probably infatuated with that guy, anyway. You could try asking her and offering your help in sorting it out. Wonder what she would say.

[ October 13, 2006, 16:22: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Just have a good honest talk with her Saber. And be ready to let go. I think the cheating comments are a bit premature, though.

 

Well, Uytuun is a bit less jaded and more merciful than I am. You can try to repair the relationship but IMHO it's not worth it. The girl is not likely cheating on you, but she's probably infatuated with that guy. Still, I think it's already dumping grounds even without cheating. And I recognise the pattern from my own life and from what I've seen in other people, including the story of DotW's ex, which was similar.

 

I'm going to agree with Uytuun here (yes I know I don't normally post in here) and say have a good talk with her. You need more information on which to decide an action, the last thing you need to do is rush in. Keep as open a mind as possible, try not to get emotional or cause her to be emotional, and talk.

 

Sound advice.

I've been browsing through this thread and while it may be hard to let go sometimes I believe it's the best thing one can do.

I went out with a young woman for a while and out of the blue she decided that it would be better for us to be friends and just friends... She hadn't recovered from her last relationship which lasted for five years and wasn't ready for another (well that's what she told me). I agreed because I knew she wouldn't even want to see me if I didn't.

Big mistake. I wasn't able to suppress my feelings for her and that's just what happened. Now she won't even return my phone calls.

At that point I decided to go out (a lot) and try to avoid brooding ceaselessly at home.

And then it happened, I met another girl. At first I had no intention of dating her but it just couldn't be helped. So now I'm stuck, on the one hand I'm starting to form a sincere attachment to this girl who is just so attractive (and American) and on the other hand I'm not sure whether I still have feelings for the other or not.

That predicament results from being unable to let go. Now if I can't find some sort of closure, things may turn out to be very complicated indeed and the last thing I want is to make anyone miserable.

So what I'd like to say is if the person you're with is not right for you (or you for them) don't be afraid of letting go, had I done that I would be in a much better place right now.

 

Chev gives sound advice here - she's indeed dumping material. He's a wise little man, if awfully slow to reply to PMs...

Caradhras gives a good concrete example too. Best of luck, Saber, whatever the outcome of the situation turns out to be.

BTW, is it an irony that the AD at the bottom of the page reads "Pretty Russian Woman"...?