Relationship Rant Thread #3

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@Saber:

Ahh... first you set our curiosity on fire and then you tell us the solution of it all is a secret. No, seriously, if it's a secret, it should remain one. Good for you to be able to keep one.

@MoN:

I understand your sentiment, but you're making an assumption there. It's not necessarily true that they otherwise get along well. It's not really true. She has her strange moods and needs and isn't normally being very open about it, plus, she makes him feel bad with her tales and other samples of her behaviour. You can pretend it's just a number of isolated cases that form neither a collection nor a series, but there's just this much of benefit of doubt you can give. At some point you can't keep denying that things click.

I see it as her being able to recall a long-term arrangement with her boyfriend in favour of a friend. That or trading his company for a better seat while they had intended it to be something between them two. The fact that Saber keeps their recent conversation confidential suggests it might have been more about the company than about the seats, however. All in all, I see it as an example of poor manners and not much sensitivity.

You try that, so you are being optimistic because your object is to find a good, happy, harmless explanation. I'm not a pessimist because I'm not looking for the worst interpretation possible (e.g. I downright rejected the cheating idea). In fact, questionning both the cheating idea and your "it's actually positive, not negative" perspective, I go for realism.

Going with a friend is independence. Having the kind of friendships that give grounds for jealousy betrays lack of maturity and responsibility. Cancelling previous arrangements is not independence, it's rudeness.

You're missing the point. Going with a friend is one thing. Cancelling a special-between-us-two kind of event with the boyfriend to go with a friend who has better tickets is something completely different. Please drop the idea that I believe she shouldn't have a life of her own because it's untrue.

Again, MoN, aren't you perhaps ignoring what I say about decisions? Let me say once again that I'm in favour of letting people make their own choices. If I were in Saber's situation, I wouldn't tell her to stay true to her word and plans and to give more consideration to her own lover's feelings. I would talk to her about her choice later. In fact, I would listen rather than talk and I would look, too. I believe what she's done is already a good reason to dump her, although I leave it up to Saber to make his mind on whether he's going to use it or not. I probably wouldn't deliver a swift dump on the spot, but it depends on the situation. I would definitely confront the girl, however. I would also be strongly inclined to split up with her because of the poor manner. Manners are not just the formal etiquette (which is easy to learn on its own). There's more to it. What she does is a bit like not washing hands after using the toilet: people who do the same don't mind, some people who wash their hands don't mind not washing, but most people are put off. I feel a similar barrier between myself and people who are carelessly inconsiderate and so preoccupied with what they want that they don't care about the price other people pay for it. Mind you that it's much easier to teach someone to wash hands or say hallo or knock on the door than to teach him to be responsible and care for people's feelings.

In the end, let me quote your great compatriot, Huig de Groot (Hugo Grotsius): nemo prudens punit quia peccatum est sed ne peccetur, that is, no wise person punishes because a crime has been committed, but so that it wouldn't be. In this case, I don't say dump her because she's done something so outrageous, yadda yadda, and she's untouchable now, but dump her to spare yourself such situations in the future. Dumping someone to make him pay the price is quite silly.

[ October 15, 2006, 19:53: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

*Sigh* For the third time, the conversation had nothing to do with the concert. We spoke about something different, but what she said may justify her wanting to seat in the other seats, even though she has no idea how I feel about it.

Erm, I think I made a mistake. It isn't just between us... there are 3 or 4 other people going with us. She only knows one of them, though.

 

Okay, I won't push it. But if you need advice on handling that guy, feel free to ask.

Ouch. That changes things. Just the two of you would be completely different. It's still bad the way she acted, but much less bad. Just don't let her disrespect you too much and be careful about that other guy.

 

Good luck, Saber.

 

Good luck Saber, it would seem that more information allows for a more balanced reaction. Take care and enjoy the concer.

 

Cramp! Why didn't I come up with that? Good luck, man, and have fun.

 

I'm going out on a daa-ate, I'm going out on a daa-ate!

It's only for a cup of coffee though, but the fact that she knows or strongly suspects that I'm into her and didn't put me off right away is a good sign. Right? Right?

I'm not sure what her feelings are towards me, but this one time she was worried that me knowing her age would make me think less of her...of course I replied to her that it's not even possible and she wasn't taken aback.

Although we're that much different that it's hard to conceive us ending up together, she's very much the girl of my dreams, but I'd look up to anyone with her qualities so it's not just that I'd be infatuated with her that makes me appreciate her as much as I do. She's good and kind, works hard to get to her goals and is one tough cookie to boot.

She abhors violence and aggressive people, which I find very pleasing since as I have had my misgivings, they've taught me to have a similar dislike for aggression and violent people as well.

Of course I'm not too different for her, even my ex said that she'd want someone more normal and she was into weirdos like me. We'll just see how this goes.

She's an athlete...so as I've been working out like never before a long time before I met her and I'm in fairly good physical condition, I think I'm going to do some excercises now.

edit: But no whacking her with a +3 Rose to the head this time, learned my lesson, I'm taking it as slow as possible

 

If she's worried because you could think less of her, it's quite likely she's at least somehow interested or maybe she sees you as a potential friend or boyfriend, I think.

Just don't look up to her too much. After all, you aren't supposed to be her loyal servant but a friend or boyfriend. You can and should respect her, but try and see yourself as her equal (and allow her a couple of shortcomings and oddities as well). Although sure, it looks like she's quite a special girl.

Hehe, yeah, take it as it comes and enjoy every moment of it. Whatever you skip now you'll miss later even if you don't actually screw it up. Good luck.

 

Best of luck, Iku. Getting a decent gal would be a refreshing change for jaded males such as ourselves, hmm?

Chev... shall I poke you on MSN, then? You ONCE AGAIN forgot.

 

Thanks guys. I'm not counting on my chances however, but I'd think we'd still be friends even if she'd turn me down.

 

Chev... you wrote 8 sentences and used 6 wink smilies. You are most certainly the WinkMaster.

Good luck Iku and have fun

 

Actually, it represents a certain tone in my voice more than actual winking, hehe. Anyway, none for you. Oh, crap.

Errr, okay, DotW, let me check my inbox again...

 

I used to see things this way too. Oddly enough, when I really wanted a date to turn out well, it would turn out catastrophic, and when not expecting anything, I usually reaped the jackpot. (Not in the sexual sense, you horndogs)

Just to give you an idea, when I first met my ex, at the end of the evening I thought to myself "Not a chance in hell", and it turned out to be quite the opposite.

 

Screw the chance and just see how it goes. Maths is for people who like it.

 

Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Be confident. Be yourself. Don't think about what you might have said and done wrong, don't try to ponder the unexpected, in one word don't intellectualize, just roll with it.

 

/me claps

When do you guys have coffee dates, though?

 

I have coffee in bed for breakfast actually...

But that's just me and my laptop.

 

... so, I am in a quite the mess.

there is a very good friend of mine, lets call her R. and she is the one i was supposed to stay with at my current destination. as it is, she is staying with her ex-boyfriend, lets call him M, right now. which led to me crashing with them as well...
and the reason I am ranting here? the fact that M and I kind of seem to have a thing, as in definiely have one it would seem, a d this is hurting R a LOT, and i can't figure out what to do - cause M makes me feel... so safe and warm, unlike ever before.

*facepalm*

Please, just shoot me now.

 

Oh dear.