Relationship Rant Thread #3

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*SIgh* Why is she ignoring me? What did I do? We had fun, didn't we?

 

Thanks. Poetry and metaphors come easily to me, because she inspires the artistic side of my soul.

Love... It is unpredictible, volatile, the source of much happiness but also of soul-crushing pain. Love is a paradox.

 

Ok, I got a very big problem on my hands that I'll like to get some input on, for to be honest, I don't really know what to do .

I'm falling for this girl I know, and I *know* that she wants me, because she's been seriously flirting with me for some time now... Only problem is that she's really quite mental, to be honest. By that I mean that she's a party girl; and not in the good way, mind you! She like to experiment with heavy drugs like cocaine and ecstasy when she goes out... I'm a pothead, yes, but that's a wee too extreme for me... I seriously don't know what to go with here; my feelings tell me to go for it, but my head screams 'stay away!' :/.

When thinking of it I really can't see anything good come from this, 'cus I know for certain that I can't make her change her ways, and I will most certainly not change my ways to fit into her wicked little world.

Please help me! I'm in need of guidance. I'm totally screwed as I can't stop thinking about her, but really don't think i can go for it either...

So the age old question pops again: should I go with what my feelings tell me, or what my mind tells me?


I'm so torn here .

 

A hard drug user? Stand as far away as you can, Oli. Personal experience tells me there is nothing but trouble in the horizon.

You have just said it yourself dude. She will not change, and neither will you. That girl is worlds apart from you, and listening to your head would probably be the wisest move. It will be difficult, trust me, I know what it's like, but it will make you feel much, much better in the long run.

That's what I would do at least. The decision is ultimately up to you.

 

@olimikrig: Sometimes you think someone's flirting seriously with you and it turns out the person isn't single, doesn't want a relationship at the moment, you aren't really the person's type or some such. Also, hard drugs she isn't going to stop most likely mean she's addicted and that's something not so neutral psychologically, so expect all the goodness that comes with being a heavy drug addict.

If that's the case, I would stay away. What does being a party girl involve apart from drugs? Does she also drink herself into unconsciousness and/or do things with random guys she doesn't want to know the day after as a result? If yes, then definitely stay away or you're going to be hurt.

If you aren't going to change and she isn't either, you'll either both have to compromise, or you won't be able to put up with each other in the long run. Compromises suck and are only as good as the balance of power in the relationship, anyway, so... if you can't get along without serious effort, it may likely not be worth that effort.

Ultimately, even if you still decide to stay around the girl for some more time, at least don't make moves and allow things to clear up so you can see if it isn't just a passing attraction, a blissful infatuation, you know, that kind of stuff.

I've never had to deal with a drug addict, but I can tell you from experience: avoid people with uncontrollable addictions and anything uncontrollable (by the person, not by you) in general, anyway.

Also think about the future... A heavy drug using girlfriend already sounds somewhat scary, but what about wife and mother? Will a heavy drug user be able to work and care for children? And if you're going to be the only provider, would you like your hard-worked money to be spent on drugs? It's not like children don't take after the mother, either.

Even if it's a passing phase and she's having fun so long as she's young, you can't really tell when she's going to stop and if she actually will when the time comes. It's not like the drugs don't affect her, either.

[ June 18, 2006, 20:32: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Chev makes good points here, Oli. Better to stand away from her, for your own good.

And BTW, chev, are you dead, or just ran out of conversation material?

 

I just don't feel like theorising too much and I have exams underway. Tons of stuff to cram into my head and focus on.

 

Hey, I'm falling for a girl, who flirts blatantly with me, and has done for a long time. I asked her out a year ago, she said no. No worries there. But, recently, we've got really close, and we've flirted a lot.

However, she has a boyfriend. Still, she flirts a lot with me, and what can I do? Who can expect a teenage guy like me to be able to handle this kind of pressure?

 

All depends on how much respect you have for her boyfriend. If he's one of your mates, then best to steer well clear. They might be destined to be lifetime true loves, but she's just being a bit confused at the moment (and dazzled by your manly aura).

If you don't know him from a bar of soap, then I say you play her game and see what happens. If she's just teasing, then you'll soon find out. If not, who knows what it might lead to?

 

Girls who flirt with other guys while they're taken are always bad news because A. half the time they don't intend to leave their boyfriend, you're just an ego boost or B. they'll do to you what they did with their previous boyfriend. These girls are searching for something and it's something they won't find that this point in their life. If you can keep yourself from getting too attatched these types of girls can be good learning experiences, if not, stear clear of her.

 

Put yourself in the guy's shoes and pretend for a second you are her bf. Would you really like her flirting with other guys even though she is with you, Daie? Would you really?

I myself had this kind of situation with a perticular woman. The wisest advice I can give you is to steer clear. It would probably bring you but deception and suffering.

So, following your theory that I am no longer friends with the bf of the girl I mentioned, I should play her game?

 

I think it's tough to give advice on the basis of a couple of sentences worth of information. We have no idea what magntitude of flirting is involved here or anything else about what she is like. It may be a little unfair to write her off just because she is "flirty", especially if she is still very young.

I say just relax and go with the flow on this one and see what happens next.

 

@Daie: All the guys above me have spoken words of wisdom, so I don't need to add anything, apart maybe from the fact that it's really hard to put up with your girlfriend flirting with people. And I don't mean calling friends darling and being huggy. I mean something more real. I've been there and some of my friends also have, especially my best buddy, who ended up depressed. Flirting on the side most likely means she can't be happy with just one guy or maybe she has needs that one average guy can't meet but she could theoretically suffice with one that could. Hyperactive sex drive isn't easy to put up with.

Also, we still don't know what kind of flirting it is. If it's just compliments, how great, hot, smart etc you are or she is and how fast the time passes and you get along well, it doesn't have to be sexual. Or at least not sexual in the sexy sense. Sometimes people just talk like that and there's nothing more to it. If you're interested in the girl, you're more likely to interpret any signs of her being impressed or comfortable with you as sexual, which isn't necessarily the case. Perhaps she's secure in her relationship and knows her limits, so she isn't on guard about minutiae. At any rate, be careful with her, don't promise yourself anything, don't do things you will regret later, and you'll be fine.

 

I am your best buddy?

Ditto.

Ditto again.

 

Meh, I'm out of here in three weeks, so I'm really not looking for a relationship. I was last year, but nothing happened.

I think I'll just go with the flow if anything happens, but otherwise I'll just leave it.

Like I said, I'm moving to Wales soon, plus I'm going to Amsterdam in 10 days, so...

 

Thanks for the inputs, chev and DoTW.. Really appreciate it.

I know for a fact that she wants me; I've known this girl for some years now (think it's five), and she's not the type to flirt for the sake of flirting either.. besides she's asked me to be her boyfriend, and I said I'd think about it.

She's not like that at all, no.. More the type who gets messed up and picks a random fight with someone (really).

These are my biggest concerns too..

Especially the fact that the girl (or rather woman) is 22, and in my eyes ought to have run the horns of (at least in the terms of experimenting with various things) by now.

Having to make such decisions suck, though .

For now, I think I will stick with trying to stay as far away as possible... I just can't see anything but pain come from this.

Worst case scenario would be that I eventually got her pregnant and would have to live with that the mother of my children is a drug addict.. and that I simply can't allow to happen!
My father was a drug addict, so I know the pain it brings the children (and the possible fact that I may end up being a single parent father because her ways ends up killing her) .

I love you all .

 

Hope you manage. Wouldn't like to be in your shoes, really.

Easier to put up with than erm... losing inhibitions of "that" kind while drunk. But still quite problematic, I guess.

Yeah, but some people start late. When did she?

Same. Maybe if she would change. But you'd have to make her go to rehab first. Otherwise she will gradually manipulate you out of it and you'll grow more and more used to her habits and eventually let her have it her way.

 

I know, dude. They're difficult to take but usually it's better for you in the long run.

Then you are wise. Drug user makes poor parents.

As I said, drug users make poor parents.

Best of luck on whatever you decide, oli. But she isn't worth the problems, if you ask me.

[ June 20, 2006, 21:55: Message edited by: Disciple of The Watch ]

 

I just need to get this from my system - I need to vent a little.

This 'how do you know you're in love' -topic isn't helping my situation at all, since the conclusion I'm coming to from all those posts is that I'm in love. And I don't want to be, since she's spoken for already. And since she's a co-worker, my work-morale is shot to hell when she's not here.

I was so expecting for her to be at work today, but she wasn't.

And this situation with her has got that 19th century "Bronte-sisters" - thing written all over it. I didn't even like her at first, but now I can't help thinking about her all the time. I would say that we have this romantic affiliation, but in an extremely coy way. It's a mutual understanding that we really like each other and that nothing can be done about it.

She really likes me as well, I know this for certain, and if it wouldn't be for her boyfriend, she would be mine. Of course I don't know if she loves me, but that doesn't really matter. A relationship with me and her shall not come to pass. It will never happen and that is just as well, for she still loves her boyfriend as far as I need to know.

I will miss her so much, when the time will come that I will never see her again, which will be in a month or so. Eventually this longing shall wane and I will have a fond memory of her and even if I would like nothing more than to write her letters and for her to write me back, it will be for the best for not to even suggest that to her.

I'm hoping against all odds that we might some distant day meet again, and that things might be different then, so that we might have a chance.

But I know that come fall, things will be very different indeed and I hope that eventually I might forget these feelings for her almost completely.

 

You will eventually. But until then, friends and will do the trick