Relationship Rant Thread #4

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Oh yeah. Honesty will result in her getting upset. "Sorry, baby, but I'd rather play a computer game than be with you right now." is the hard truth. Now how the hell do you break that to someone lightly?

 

Tell her that while you enjoy her company, you need some time to do things that you enjoy doing solitarily. Don't tell her what those things are, or she will feel like she is not as important as a machine, but let her know you'd like to do other things as well.

Or something like that... (sorry for not being helpful)

 

You don't. Just say you're not very well and stay in or something. Don't say you want to stay in to play a bloody game, lol. That'll go down like a lead balloon.

 

@Barmy: And lying is always so wise, no?

 

Well Barmy understands my predicament. After spending every waking moment with a person you do seek a little bit of your own time where you only care about what you want.

Saber that was helpful actually, thanks.

I haven't said it before yet either, I've actually always dropped everything when we can see each other and I've realised that isn't the life I want. Feels almost like I'm a slave or something.

 

It's just a little white lie. Don't you tell your gf she always looks good etc.? That her bum doesn't look big? Ok pal, you go telling your lass you want to play a game instead of being with her. I don't know a single girl who'd take that well . It would cause an argument.

Like I said, if I was in your position, I'd say nothing at all. I'd just wait till she goes out with her friends or something, then stay in with some cans and do whatever you want. What are you considering is a bad idea. All men need space from time to time, it's natural, but it's a bad idea to tell your lass straight.

 

There's no such thing as a white lie. Lies always lead to bad things in the end unless perhaps you're lying to bandits looking for someone or otherwise saving life or some such.

 

Maybe I'm just a strange weirdo from another universe with a bizzare way of thinking, but I'd rather drop the cold, hard, brutal truth to someone and have them pissed at me rather than saying nothing and just coping with it, or dropping white lies every now and then.

 

You can be honest and still manage not to hurt her feelings. Spending some time with your buddies or playing a game shouldn't be a problem. Lying is not a solution.

I remember going to see a movie with a girl I really liked and having a choice between The Matrix and Practical Magic. I love sci fi whereas she wasn't too keen on The Matrix (that's an understatement). I didn't pretend I didn't want to see the sci fi movie (which would have been lying to make me look good) I just told her that I was ready to watch the other movie to please her and I made my point and she understood that I was ready to watch a movie I didn't particularly care about because I cared about her (actually Practical Magic was really a drag but I got to see the Matrix later anyway).

Being in a relationship is about making compromises but that should always work both ways. If you feel you are turning into some sort of "slave" then there is a problem and without lying to her you can make her understand that you still need to do things by yourself. Respect her feelings and don't be blunt.

That or you can start dating a girl who likes computer games.

 

In the commercial for a new TV show (can't recall the man's name):

"For me and her, its all about compromises. For example, she wanted to get a cat, and I didn't. So we compromised and got a cat."

 

Tell her kindly, she'll prolly be hurt, but should also see the logic and understand.

[EDIT] You could also involve her or just tell her about it afterwards, so she knows it makes you happy...we love to see you happy, despite everything, you know. Also, it's always good to be nice to her afterwards, it will probably come natural and all, but don't feel obliged to compensate...you haven't done anything wrong after all. A last remark: the day you tell her you would like to do some things on your own (and Saber has a point, general is good) is probably not the right day to tell her about the Ibiza holiday you've booked with your mates if you catch my drift. [/EDIT]

[ January 15, 2007, 13:26: Message edited by: Uytuun ]

 

And neither is the following day. Big clusters suck and series suck as well.

Another idea is that you (not Uytuun, obiously ) could just make sure she has a hobby. Her increased need to spend time with you may come from a deep internal need - people take being in love in various ways, at various stages, and neither the ways nor even the stages always coincide in both sides of the couple. She may also have a transitional emotional need coming from being lonely for some reason. It would be good for her to find something to do on her own, but when she does, you shouldn't complain if she spends time on that and not with you later. Remember that coins have two sides, sticks have two ends and all.

Besides, you know, maybe treat her like you'd like to be treated by her? Try to stay kind and respectful and hold your temper even if she loses hers.

Finally (or almost so), there's still, however, some difference between honesty and hurting people without need. You don't exactly want to tell her you prefer to play games than to talk to her - not in that exact wording. First try to solve it without confrontation somehow, if possible.

Perhaps also try to find a solution to the problem you both have, not a way to make your goals come true. If her goals aren't as important to you as your own goals, it's going to be hard to make a relationship work.

[ January 16, 2007, 02:22: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

'Oh darling, you're so romantic. A meal for two, lit by the flaming corpses of the n00bs you just pwnzorzed! I love you, my l33t lov3r!'

 

Well there are some girl gamers to be found you know! Whenever I start telling my husband that he's spending too much time on his computer he goes and gets me a new game. - very useful that .

 

Indeed there are... my housemate is one gamer junkie - hell, she teached me things I didn't even know about some games I thought I mastered.

Gotta love gamer chicks. I know I do.

 

Well my "giving up on love" boat just got blown out of the water. A very old friend of mine (we've known each other since we were pre-teens) has just admitted being in love with me, and I'm not sure what to do. I think that underneath everything the feelings go both ways, but I'm not sure whether I should risk destroying what we have for what might not be so successful. This is really hard because it's someone I really care about as a friend and I never expected this to happen. What to do?

 

You must do what you feel is right, of course.

 

Urithrand, the answer is take your time. You shouldn't decide on impulse. If your friend sees the value of making the decision with due consideration, that's an added wisdom benefit. If she doesn't, then it means she's most probably acting rashly, so you both do need time.

Sometimes feelings can be so strong between friends that they can be mistaken for feelings of a different kind just because it's between a guy and a girl. Sometimes there's some attraction, but not enough to make it work in the long run. Sometimes there's attraction but there's also knowledge of obstacles. Be wary of all those.

The same that goes for emotion, goes for popular principles which are not grounded in morality - or at least some deep morality. The principle that matters here is one of not hurting people and doing as much good as possible, while avoiding evil - which is the same principle as applies always to everything. Apart from this general principle, you can make a material decision, I believe, not a formal one. Formal decisions based on amoral or quasi-moral principles such as "never date friends", "never date co-workers", "never date friends' exes" etc etc create artificial solutions which are out of touch with reality and don't really lead to much good.

...And you know what he did? He made air vs archers! Lol!!!1111oneoneone

 

OMFG that was the *best* evening I've ever had in my life! I saw my friend just as our usual meet up, watch movie etc with the agreement that we'd take our time and just see how things went. It started off as just the usual friendliness but then we kissed and my world just exploded! My head started to spin and butterflies fluttered in my stomach and all the hairs stood up on the back of my neck! Damn this is an intense feeling, I just wanna stand up on some really high building and laugh hysterically, I feel invincible!

Sorry Chev, I tried to take it slow, but it just kind of *happened* and I wouldn't go back on it for the world. After ten years of being friends, I've finally realised Urithrand is in LOVE!!!

 

Good for you, Urithrand! Since you already know each other well, you can bypass a lot of that awkward getting to know each other business and have fun together. Very cool.