Relationship Rant Thread #5

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I'll try.

I don't want to be rude or anything, but you do seem to go from one theatrical madly-in-love instance to another fairly quickly...

 

That sounds like me too...the struggle lies in trying to figure out whether or not it's simple infatuation/lust or something that could be nurtured into a real thing...a never-ending struggle that one...

 

@Uytuun: It's a blessing...and a curse. However, there are distinctions between overly theatrical infatuation and overly theatrical falling in love. I do know this, I've not cried like I did yesterday for a long time. Tears over a relationship that could never be. Tears for a love not to be. Pathetic, yeah, I admit, but such exquisite pain I've not felt for a long time. If I meet someone I'm interested in, I don't hold back my feelings. Lust isn't just going to cut it. I'm a bit of an emotion junkie...but the emotions are true, otherwise there'd be no kick and no point to it.

@Chev: Well, yes...so she's not that respectable, or perhaps even more so since she didn't fall under my spell. So, I stole a kiss and as she was willing, she kept true to her course instead of starting something even more foolish with a guy she just met. She is the kind of girl I would like to marry, the time however is just not right with her. Maybe later? I'd have to see...

 

@Iku-Turso: Emotions are a way we respond to reality rather than reality itself. Although it's a fact that we feel in a certain way, sure.

As for the girl, enough talking. You know what I think about kissing another guy if one has a boyfriend. It's just not something that should happen. I'm not trying to make you think bad of her, I'm just showing you that some things are not quite as great as you might be willing to see them. Find a girl who will be with you, not who will kiss you while she's with some other guy. And don't steal kisses from girls who have boyfriends. None of the three people will be happy that way. And by all means respect her. Her and every other girl you meet. Just don't let yourself idealise them too much.

 

She dared to ask me what I thought of her moron. I resisted the urge to take the freebie and kept my mouth shut. It pissed her off. She'll get over it.

 

@Chev: Well, I used to think that you could choose the one you fall in love with, but now I don't anymore. Perhaps in a sense you can choose the one you love, as in 'love' being a certain modes of action and thinking, certain way of behaviour towards and concerning a specific person.

But the one you fall in love with? No. With me there is this urgency, this desire to fall in love and even madly so, this need to be overly romantic and create situations that one would usually see only in movies and romance novels. But I do draw a line as to what's appropriate and what's not, even though that line's not where it used to be. I still have some morals left although I'm in a rush to live and experience as much as I can and want to, just in case. But of course you know this already..

There's an interesting question that does pop up every now and then: Why is it that you meet so many women that are "kind of dating"? Or, why is it that you meet enough of those women who seem to want a little something on the side of their relationships, or more than one boyfriend? What's wrong with this picture? It's like when they're single they wont even look at your direction, but when they're with someone, you become something they just can't keep their hands off. Bugs me as anything. It's really the most annoying thing right now that I can imagine...

 

That's the nature of the beast, my brother... we're magnets for chicks already involved with someone.

Don't know about you, but in my case it's so bad I now take special care in warning my friends to keep their gfs as far as possible from me and if all possible NOT introduce them to me. When they ask why, I just tell 'em what happened with the last two couple of friends I knew.

You should see their faces. Priceless.

 

@Iku-Turso: I think I have an explanation. People want someone. They also want someone good. This is not exactly the same. They want someone for now and they want someone for good. This means they can't bear being alone. This is a weakness.

There is however one more possibility - they might be with someone, but they might still want to experience other things, even if they think that one person is right for them. This is disordered. More than the weakness mentioned above. It may simply mean they aren't certain about that person or about themselves, but it may also mean that they are certain, but they just want the experience with others. And that's disordered. Even more disordered is endangering a potentially permanent relationship for the sake of a short fling. However, I don't think so many people really act in such disordered ways - I think in many cases it'll be another weakness. And caution here: despising weakness leads to the worst of acts. We shouldn't allow ourselves to go even a little step in that direction. It would be better to have compassion for those who err.

As for wanting you when they're taken, how do you react to the same girl when she's single and when she's not? From the perspective of time, I see that some of my actions in the romantic world were hastened by the menace of competition.

...And here's the problem. Either the competition makes us notice how much we care for the person... or maybe it makes us exaggerate and start hoarding? Hoarding is disordered, by the way.

As for those in relationships, I suppose they need to deal with the grass is greener effect. They realise they're involving, sinking into it, getting entangled, sucked in, tied... They might develop desperate reflexes for freedom. They are also aware of losing the opportunities they had with other people.

As for not choosing the object of your affection, it depends. You don't choose the impulses you get, but you choose what to do with them. Actions affect the state of feelings. Feelings can be fed or they can be starved. They need opportunities to grow. Sometimes something just hits you, but in many cases a lot depends on elective factors.

@DotW: I too am more appreciated by those who are taken than by those who are single, but that might be a coincidence.

 

Chev, maybe you attract taken chicks, but I don't thinkl you're as big a magnet to them as me.

Hell, when the same thing happens time and time again, you better ask yourself some serious questions.

Remember what happened a few years ago, back at adult's education? I became friends with a friend of a friend. Then, I met his gf, and thought nothing of it. She started talking to me, and we eventually became friends. Then we became closer friends. Then we became close friends. Then things start going haywire with her bf. I find myself alone with her, and she throws subtle nudges of what she wants at me.

Remember the second time it happened? Back in the computer tech class, with "the other one"? A perfect replica of what happened the first time. So perfect it sent shivers down my spine.

Like I said to my brother, I suppose we have a little something exotic, I suppose we offer something their current relationship does not.

 

DotW, have you considered that perhaps taken chicks are a magnet for you instead of the other way around? Maybe they are the exotic fruit that you cannot resist and you pursue and desire them with such subtlety that even you aren't consciously aware of your part in the resulting mess.

Considering that it happens to you 'time and time again', it would make sense that you are playing atleast some part.

I had a short, destructive, romance with a friend's fiance more than 10 years ago. When our relationship was exposed and the inevitably hurtful events ensued I tried to make sense of what happened. I concluded, with all honesty, that it 'just happened'...that an innocent progression of talking and becoming closer and then 'finding' myself alone with her on one too many occasions led to the initial betrayal and subsequent relationship. In retrospect, I desired her very much and selfishly pursued her. And a large part of my interest was generated by the fact that she was taken, that she had chosen him and not me. Of course, she played her part too. I can't say, with any confidence, why she did what she did...maybe she can't either.

Maybe none of this applies to you in the least...just offering an angle you may not have considered.

 

Now with me there is that illusion of thinking that nothing could happen between me and a girl who's already spoken for. It's damn unethical, I won't allow it. So since there's nothing going on, it doesn't matter if you just hang out with the girl and befriend her. Then Winnie the Poo hits the fan big time. The girls seem to start having some funny ideas. Heck, I might start having some funny ideas, but I'm not going to do anything about it. Right? Well, one thing might still lead to another, especially if alcohol's involved, but I've learned from my mistakes, and no damn way that'll happen again. Chev's right, it'll jut be a thing there between you, the girl and her past, namely her bf. Ghosts like that won't let you lie, they'll easily haunt you 'til the end of the relationship and beyond. Especially if her "kind-of-like-boyfriend" was one of your closest friends.

I think the problem with me and my bro might be that the girlies do want someone and they want someone for keeps. DoTW and me might just not be the type of guys that the girls usually consider as 'for keeps' material. Maybe it's because I'm such an oddball, but quite a few I've met in a bar have also said something in the lines of "Why're you being interested in me, you could have any girl you want..." Sheesh. Yup, disordered. Low self esteem? Begging for ego boosting from me as it has seemed in few cases? Or what? It's like someone's tattooed 'gigolo' on my forehead. So it might seem that they're afraid I'm just a womanizer and dare not have dealings with me unless it's a brief sexual encounter with no emotional attachments. Har, har, and it's frigging hilarious when I am emotionally attached. It seems it's not what they want from me, so then it just gets damn awkward for them and I get to rip my heart out once again.

So then what happens is that I start acting like a man-pig, and well, it is gratifying in some sense, but also so very sad and pathetic, but the women get just what they order, and they get to complain how all the men are such pigs they take me for. Funnily enough I hear them complaining only when I'm not going to have sex with them. "You're such a swine since you're not spending the night with me", "How can you be so cruel?" Give me a break...

 

Interesting theory, nunsbane. While I admit that the forbidden fruit SOMETIMES tastes better, those are friend's gfs we're talking about here. And unless the friend in question has pissed me off to the point of no return (which has never happened... yet), laying a finger on the gf in question is a huge no-no. Trust me, I wouldn't actively pursue a friend's gf. Too much hassle, and I'm not this kind of A-hole.

The funny and also bitter irony is, I never made any efforts to seduce the gals in question. I'm just plain old myself, and for an obscure reason, that attracts them like metal to a supermagnet, and I mean a REALLY BIG F'N MAGNET.

And I can confirm my brother's theory about woman complaining when they find out sex is out of the question. I don't think it's but a coincidence after I refused to F the girlie and refuse to double-cross my friend, then they get pissed off and I never hear from them again.

Introduce me to a bunch of single chicks and not a single one of them will give a flying F about me. Introduce me to a bunch of taken chicks and their's gonna be enough electricity in the air to power my whole freaking apartment for a month.

My brother once jokingly said that maybe I was a part of the casual dating type, whenever I liked it or not. Me, casual dater...? *shivers*

 

@Iku-Turso: The problem with girls these days is that they seem to be tolerant of various degrees of indefinition. Sometimes friends are more than friends. Sometimes boyfriends are less than boyfriends. Men are more into either staying true or cheating, whereas women seem to be more receptive to somewhat non-standard arrangements. As a rule I prefer to stay away from those who overdo this part and I think it's healthier this way.

You may be right about having or keeping. They generally say I'm for keeping, but I'm not for having. I'm convinced more of them would want me as a husband material than as a boyfriend. Except I'm not interested in being the "keeper" only after they're done with the "haver".

Don't get me wrong. If they are more immediately attracted to some qualities which are typically sought short-term, but they make the choice and effort in the name of some reason and order in life, then that's normal and human. I too don't chase everything that might be attractive to me. But if there is to be an arrangement in which some guy is to be a boyfriend for now and I am to be the keeper for ever after, then it's just simply a bit too convenient for the girl. I'm by definition not interested in any girl who's interested in anything short-term. A relationship which is "for now" only and is meant to end at some point is pointless endeavour. It goes against reason in such a way that makes it feel disturbingly uncomfortable to me.

Yes, but the degree of it is such that I think we can safely assume than you and I have issues of a similar kind or intensity.

@DoTW:

And that might be the key. They appreciate you more if you aren't interested in them. If they have low self-esteem and you're overtaken with them, then they might think you're somewhat low-league for wanting them so much. On the other hand, if you don't care, then maybe you're a worthy catch and it's worth working on getting your interest. Besides, we generally tend to be more endearing when we're at our natural.

 

Both genders seem to have this attraction for someone that does not seem to actively pursue them. One such incident I witnessed was really striking. This guy was madly in love (more like boyish infatuation) with this woman, who kept refusing his advances and hitting on his friends to frustrate him even more. Then one day he decided he'd had enough, and suddenly she was all over him trying to win his affection. Needless to say she failed. That said I've seen men do exactly the same thing.

 

I had this happen to me. Not the hitting on my friends part and he only had to refuse once , but the rest, yup, totally. The moment I turned away, he turned to me. Then we were kind of friends. Later on, he even told me I had wronged him by going for another guy a couple of months after he had turned me down. Very confusing.

Playing hard-to-get does seem to work. But it's not exactly my cup of tea.

And I agree that the taken ladies probably regard DotW as the exotic "other" rather than long-term material.

 

Hey, are you guys (and gal) slapping a "casual dating" label on my forehead?

In a way, being looked as "exotic" is kind of a velvet on my ego. The fact that it's only taken gals who look at me so I could do without.

Bah, why must it be so complicated...

 

Seen a lot of that too. Generally means there's something to talk about.

Generally, it's not good to try and have a relationship with someone who attempts to frustrate us on purpose, though.

And head-games are sickening.

 

Because it's no fun otherwise.

 

Banging my head in a wall isn't my idea of fun, dear Charl...