Relationship Rant Thread #5

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My legs are pudding, there's a storm of bats in the attic and butterflies in my stomach.

Boop.

Every day I see her means I can't get a proper night's sleep. Food tastes bland, but that I can live with. Being ridiculous again. Keep thinking about her. Losing my sleep. Doing poor work, becasue she's in my mind.

Why'd she have to go and look at me when she said that she's never going to get infatuated again after she's gotten over her recent infatuation? A glance over her shoulder. A blush when I said I recommended a book for her and said I could make a reservation to it for her, not in my role as a librarian, but as a friend. A coworker at my other job. Dagnammit!

Just as my usual self I'm not going to do anything about it. Yeah right. I'm not making any passes. Nosirree. Not going to ask her out, no. She's crazy. Adorably so. Not putting her on a pedestal. No worries. I just like to rant this kind of stuff. Makes my life worthwile. Boop.

 

Here we go again, Iku, it seems?

Me, I'm back being the taken chick uber-magnet. Not doing anything about it except inflating my ego that someone else's gf finds me hawt. As for the rest, I just let things slide - whatever happens, happens.

Believe it or not, I've bumped into my ex. Said she's starting to see a therapist to sort out her issues. Gave her the two thumbs up and the salesperson smile and left with no further effort. I should learn to avoid that perticular Quiznos. I bump into an awful lot of ghosts there.

 

Yeah...here we go again bro..

Thought nothing of it before. Nice girl. Scary activist though. Wonderful scent. I usually follow my nose. Don't make me a perv Thought nothing of it. Until she said she was going to do something stupid...well something questionable. Got me worried sick. Bam. Thought nothing of it until then. She got out all right and nothing happened and it wasn't even the sort of stuff you'd usually get hurt. A silly demonstration, good mannered and well done. I don't believe in demonstrations too much though. God I love it when she talks politics. Silly me. I don't get worried over my friends or coworkers if they decide to go and do something silly which might make them hurt. Not usually. Not my problem. But her? Got me worried sick. Getting jaelous too. Boop. I don't get jealous. But when she just as much as looks at another guy, there's a twinge. I don't like it. Not one bit, but there you have it. This is getting almost pathological. Losing my mind over her. Nobody's worth losing your mind, but can't help it. Don't know what I'd do. If this keeps up I might have to quit my job just not to see her at all. I don't know. Don't like it one bit, but I've got her in my mind and under my skin. Driving me crazy. Heh, crazier...

 

Iku, you sure sound hooked.

Whatever you do: Good luck.

 

@Loreseeker: Thanks. Heh, good luck making an ass out of myself. Being lightheaded when she's around sure does help. Shedding clown's tears again.

 

Come on, Iku, get it together soft lad. I've never known anyone let women dictate his emotions so much!

 

Barms, Iku's an artistic type, and being one such type myself, I can tell you we feel emotions to a degree you can only dream of, be it good or bad. It is as much of a curse than it is a blessing.

I perfectly understand Iku -- hell, I have found myself in a similar situation more times than I can count.

 

It came out of the blue. Couldn't expect it to happen. Just plodding along my usual life getting used to my usual existential crisis' and it hit me like a freight train.

I'd be happy if my life had no meaning. Kind of. Now I can't bear my heart beating in the rhythm of her name. Two syllables. It's a sickness. Staring at the ceiling when I try to get some sleep for her name is beating in my mind, keeping me awake. My last conscious thoughts before a fall into restless slumber are about her. I dream of her. My first waking thoughts are of her. It's madness. I despair to see her and when I do I can't bear the way she makes me feel. Twisting my stomach into a knot. Making my heart pound like an alien thing trying to tear my ribcage asunder and break free. A disease. I don't want it. Make it stop. Something has to make it stop.

 

Lub-dub......lub-dub......lub-dub?



What a name.

I wouldn't worry too much, mate, everyone's heart beats like that.




Apologies for the teasing, Iku. Feeling that strongly really does suck. Still, I can hope you at least smiled at the above.

 

Thanks Decados, I needed that

 

Basic non-contradiction. You can't be and not be something at the same time. This doesn't preclude change.

People change. We all agree. They change as a result of what happens to them in life. No disagreement here, I trust. There's no good premise upon which to rely and exclude the possibility of change as a result of our own acts if people generally change as a result of what happens to them. If our actions affect them, they may effect some change.

Note that I'm not talking about change for the sake of changing people. I'm talking about giving people the courage, the drive, the zeal, to become honourable, honest, hard-working, self-giving, which may not be so well awoken at the time at which we meet them.

This doesn't mean we're going to change them from Team X fans to Team Y fans if we pat them on the shoulder enough. This means if we show them a better reality, they might just follow it. Never heard of a man who stopped drinking because his wife actually cared? Never heard of a youngster who finally gave up his turbulent ways for the love of his family? Never heard of any single repentant criminal? Never heard an honest, "I should have?"

 

chev, with all due respect... the picture you paint bores me to death.

I like my chicks with an edge, an attitude. I like a chick who can stand up and put me back in my place when I need it. I need a chick who says it like she thinks, with zero sweetening the truth. Self-giving... I'm not interested in a chick who volunteers for the community (which I find absolutely moronic and pointless) or bursts into tears every time a World Vision commercial plays on TV. Hard-working - works for me if it's play as hard as you work.

 

While I think I can imagine the girl that you are imagining when you read chev's post, what he said doesn't have to contradict your perfect girl. As you said, hard-working isn't exactly a flaw and honesty is something you actively look for. Self-giving doesn't have to be soppy- it could simply mean that she is willing to spend time helping out her friends (or you) without thinking of reward or whether she 'has to'. And honourable? Well, being honourable really means sticking by your principles, whatever they may be. I'm sure that is something you'd regard as a positive trait.

Yeah, it is very easy to imagine a girl that would bore you, but nothing chev said really rules out your kind of girl. I'd go so far as to say this perfect girl would likely have all the traits chev mentioned (courage, drive, etc)- they'd simply manifest themselves differently.

Of course, I don't truly know you, so feel free to point out any flaws in anything I've said.

 

Decados, you do make good points. What chev describes isn't totally far off from what I like, and some of the qualities he mentions are good to have, and definitively something I'd like to have in a chick.

Like I said, I don't mind hard-working, as long as she plays as hard as she works. I cannot for the life of me imagine getting involved with a career-focused workaholic whose ultimate goal is to climb the corporate ladder as quickly as possible. That hardly sounds like a life to me.

Again, like I said, self-giving doesen't bother me as long as it's regarding each other. A do-gooder who likes helping people is in for the rudest awakening ever with me -- selfish bastard from hell here, y'see.

Last, but not least... honor. Not sure I qualify as an honorable person. I do have principles, but I have on occasion bent them or litteraly went against them.

To wrap things up, what chev wants is similar, yet different from what I want.

chev wants to marry, settle down and raise a family. The mere thought of having this kind of life makes me want to kill myself.

And let's fall into suppositions for a moment. Even if I WANTED to get married, a religious marriage is a huge no-no because first things first I am not a Xtian, and I have a non-mainstream faith, which was nearly enough to cause a fallout between the chevvy chase and myself. And no, I'm not going to discuss it because I'm tired of the flame wars.

Then, spawning descendance is a gigantic no-no. The debate has already been beaten to death many times, so I'll leave it at that.

 

I've had an oddball dream this week... this one brought me years back to a crossroad when two chicks crushed on me at the same time, and in this dream, I chose the other chick instead of the one I chose IRL.

The dream showed me what life might had been had I chosen her over the one I chose IRL. That dream was so F'N good I woke up and banged my head in a wall for being such an idiot. If only I had known she returned my damn feelings, I would have chose her instead... deep down, I knew if I had a future with one of the two, it was with her... (*%#@^(*!#@^_+%(_+!!!

 

Err... Disciple, it was a dream.

Nothing guaranties its truthfulness.

At the end of the day: "It's all in your head." So stop .

 

I knows that, Lore, but it's like my subconscious likes to rub it in my face that I missed a huge chance on that one. I don't know what brought it up after so many years, though.

 

Think about it this way: if you had really chosen #2 back then, you would now be dreaming about choosing #1 and how perfect life would've been.

 

Interesting theory, Ziad, but I don't think so. #1 ended up being the first biatch to backstab me and jump the fence, while #2 wasn't that type.

I know it's pointless, but it still pisses me off.

 

I decided to kill my feelings for this last girl I was interested in and it's a good thing that I did, since now I managed not to break my heart with the news that she's going on a holiday with some other guy that she's infatuated with. There's still some feelings left for her, but who gives a toot. She's a workfriend and an interesting person, possibly might become a better friend, but I frankly don't give a damn. It seems my personal history just keeps on repeating. Heh, once again.