Relationship Rant Thread #5

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Nobody knows that I know she has a boyfriend, so I'm mostly just feigning ignorance. And no worries, I'm smart enough not to do anything dumb

 

I decyphered my silly flatlasses method of manipulation. It happened to me twice that people she considers her friends and who I was quite friendly with basically stopped talking with me. It was really quite disturbing, and while I suspected that flatlass had a hand in it, I couldn't put my finger on it. Anyway, I started to feel uncomfortable around her. It got so bad along the way that I didn't feel comfortable in my own four walls with her around. I wrote about that before.

In the first instance, where flatlasses best friend had the impertinence to fall in love with me, I got a last message that went along the line: To not lose both you and flatlass as friends, I break contact with both of you. That suggests to me that she had gotten the message from flatlass that by keeping in touch with me she would risk friendship with flatlass. That conclusion is obvious.

Now flatlass herself told me that, that the other friend asked her if she (flatlass) would mind when she (friend) would continue to meet me here and there, on which flatlass said that she said 'No' (how utterly, utterly generous of her). Which suggests to me that, without having an impression that might be a problem, that friend wouldn't had a reason to ask. That is obvious, too.

Well, of course, if she went around and tells people: When you don't break contact with Ragusa, I am no longer your friend! everyone would rightly see her as the nutter she is, and ignore her. So, how did she pull that off?

When she told me that she was sooooo very sorry about the way I learned of her wish to move out, she was visibly suffering and she agonised over how sad she was, and about how bad she felt and how miserable she was about everything. Obviously, she wanted my compassion. Denied.

Thinking of it again, I eventually got how she pulled it off: She went to them and complained about how miserable she felt about Ragusa being everywhere - in her flat (into which I invited her), in the company (that is, at the job I got her), and with her friends (our colleagues, mostly) and how much of a problem my omnipresence was for her (which is a very bad joke). That way she extracted compassion from empathic, open people and got them to distance themselves from me so that she got what she wanted. Creepy, psycho *****.

The only open question for me is merely whether she herself believes her own shtick. That probably is so. Otherwise she would have to admit to herself what she does. That implies that deep inside she knows that what she does is treacherous, petty and jealous, but she doesn't want to face it. By believing her own tale, she exculpates herself, and by suffering so demonstratively she atones and thus can feel good about herself again. After all, if she has suffered for her evil deed, how can she possibly be a bad person? Anyway, that point is of mere analytical interest. But she really does give me the creeps.

Good riddance. And have fun with her, flatlass #2. You'll have quite a handful as your new flatlass. You two deserve each other.

 

DoTW, you never cease to amaze me with those twisted turns of events. By the way, whose turn is it at PM?

Rags, aren't I sensing DoTW's influence there? Well, good thing you're done with that one. Time to find some new friends. Such that won't break contact with you over a distressed person crying about omnipresence.

 

Chev,
the point for me is that it hurts since I feel tricked and exploited and as I see myself as the loser in this business: She gets everything she wants, at my expense - and blames me. And I can't rid myself of the feeling that as far as my person is concerned she has had a subversive influence on those people. I see that as a breach of trust. That hurts, too.

To use those nasty words, she is parasitic (in that she is exploitative) and sociopathic (in the sense that she seeks empathy, but doesn't return it).

Putting it in those terms, my crime was that I, by (re-)turning my (the) attention to (of) said friends, diverted both my and their attention from her - at her expense (the zero sum game). Oh the outrage! To see it that way is of course extremely whacky. It is a reality nevertheless. Now if I do or say something really nasty to her, DotW style, I play into her game. She then has an even easier time, after all she can claim to have been 'victimised' by me and (continue to) portray me as an evil person. That is all basically happening beyond my reach, so there's nothing I can do about it, doesn't help soothe my feelings about this.

So I stick to my psychologist ex-gf's sound advice that being angry is perfectly ok as long as there is a reason. I think I have ample reason to be angry.

 

Hmm...I wonder...should I go on a probably fruitless expedition chasing tails or not?

I think I might've been hit on and I'm just doing my job as usual. Should've given that strikingly beautiful tourist recommendations to only one place she could go for the evening. I guess that's what she asked. But duh, that's not doing my job properly, now is it? Customers ask for information, and if they want specific information, like where they could find me later this evening, they should ask for that, instead of being bloody ambiguous. What can you do? I guess I'll just pop into few of those places, just for no reason at all, and if she'd happen to be in one of those places...it'd be interesting enough, I guess. *shrugs*

 

Rags, I assure you she gets the worse end of the deal. You can't ever be satisfied with what you have if there's no end to your demands. It looks like she's more of an issues case than an actual manipulative wrongdoer. She makes it worse on herself than on most others. Avoid her and you'll be fine.

 

I never stop amazing myself, to be perfectly honest. And I believe it is my turn - sorry about that, but since I started that new job, I've had a rather cramped schedule.

 

Chev,
sometimes I doubt the manipulative wrongdoer part and rather think she's shrewd like an animal and acts on instinct. Sometimes I don't. Probably it is somewhere in between, something semi-conscious. That I, after some effort, can with a degree of certainty de- and reconstruct her exotic, crooked thinking into an outlandish model exculpates her by no means. She has utterly depleted her goodwill account with me.

I can't wait for her to eventually leave, which will be in about 21 days, three weeks. And as we're talking about waiting: That she'll see justice soon enough only shows that you're, like me, catholic. It is disappointing to wait for a higher justice. I'd rather see (poetic) justice right now: Her creeping out flatlasss no.2 and aforementioned friends by having a McQueeq moment: "And then there were the strawberries...."

 

Sooo...I had that date and...this girl's just full of secrets and surprises and she's quirky and strange, in a good way.

...I still don't know whether she's not into guys, or dating someone, or both or even engaged. This was something she didn't want to discuss about when I noticed the ring in the ring-finger. I don't care either way if she's engaged or what her sexual preferences are.

What I did manage to understand was that there's something that she might want to talk about, but it'll take time. I'm interested to find out what that is exactly. She might have some feelings for me but she doesn't want to lose me. Maybe she's been winged, but she's right. A romantic relatinship does easily come between two people who might have a wonderful friendship otherwise. (...and this being something I said, after her asking me if I'd still like to see her even if we'd not be romantically involved, my reply being 'of course'..)

But it does make me wonder...it seems that something's holding her back. She's said wonderfully romantic things which I might accredit to her being a romantic person and that she just says those kind of things, but today she sends me an SMS three times in a row as if she'd be almost desperate to know that I've gotten it and there was nothing like that before. The contents of that message was just a thank you, but it's strange though and the message wasn't completely same, letter to letter, so it's not a usual mobilephone glitch. She took trouble to make sure that I'd get the message, but I don't understand if there's a message between the lines that I'm supposed to understand...

Of course it's complicated. It always is when people try to protect themselves from their feelings. I would like to know what her feelings are though...

So maybe it's not a romance I'm encountering...fair enough, it's good...If she'll let me, I'll love her as a dear friend for whom I'd do almost anything. As long as that lasts, which might not be forever that way either...

 

Iku, I don't want to burst-in and be crude, but you need to be careful. If she makes romantic moves on you and she's engaged or whatever, without you knowing, it's her responsibility. But you don't want to be dating an engaged woman. There may be various explanations for a ring, a dead fiance coming first to mind. It wouldn't be the best idea to make an ultimatum. But you need to find out whether she is able to commit before you do.

Rags, if justice from above happened to us all, I don't know what would happen to me. Probably wouldn't be all that happy. Forgive her and move on. Maybe she will find peace one day.

 

That girl is wonderful, perhaps too much so, but every thing is going alright. Sure we're just friends, but I'm perfectly happy with that, because she IS a good friend.

 

Never thought I'd see Scotty in this thread...

 

Seriously man, there's some things that are just fun to write down... especially to stranger(ish) people who won't give any flack What do you got going on for you? Mayhaps you should add, lol.

 

@Chev: Actually that might be dead accurate...something quite dramatic did happen to her about a month ago or so. I asked her about the ring and she told me that it's been there for a month, which would make it a strange coincidence at least. Adding to that her reluctance to talk about it might mean that these things could be connected...

I'd be willing to bet she's lost someone important. I'm not going to push it. I've already said to her that I'd be hers when she's ready to talk about what's happened...

There's secrets. She said so herself and she wants to let them out in the open, but there's no rushing these things. I'll be seeing her as a friend and as she knows my feelings it's up to her how she wants to go with this. I'm happy to have befriended a person I find deeply interesting. Romance is optional and not necessarily something I'd even want to pursue with her. Her company is inspirational and I'll just love sharing a good cup of coffee and a conversation with her anytime.

 

Iku, that complicates matters. How long do you know her or how long have romantic interludes been taking place? Be careful to avoid triangles. Secrets aren't a great thing, either. It's a good thing you're keeping it friends, I think.

 

Oh it started only a couple of months ago or so, romantic from the first time and she was the one who described the moment of us sitting by a bridge in the first hours of dawn as romantic, but then she was already holding back something and I thought that she could be involved with someone. It's comlicated if she falls for me and lets it out in the open and I just don't see that happening. I'm just not that sort of guy women'd dare to swoon over and wish for a lasting romantic relationship. I know, stranger things might happen, but I just don't see that happening. Friendship's good. I'm inclined to think that that's all I can ask for and it's not a problem.

 

I finished with my girlfriend of 3 months yesterday. I really care about her and think she's great, but felt she wasn't that bothered with me. I've not really seen her in 5 days. It's always me asking if she wants to go for a drink or come round, she never asks me. Saw her for 2 hours on Sunday in day, but not really since. Only at work. I didn't feel it was working. So I finished her.

Now she's got really upset, says she never saw it coming, thought we were happy together etc etc. Told her reason why, she said 'we don't have to see each other every night!' but that's not what I want! One night in 5 days is not too much to ask really! She's crying all the time, saying she never wanted to split, is sorry I felt like I did, she really cares for me etc. etc. She's asking to meet me after work for a drink and a chat - she's not asked to meet me in weeks, always me asking!

I'm really gutted that I finished her. She's a good girl, I just felt it wasn't working. I'm gutted though. I feel like I've got a lump in my throat constantly, feel like crying. Don't want to lose her but at same time wasn't happy with our situation. Didn't want to get hurt. I honestly thought she wasn't bothered and was just biding time before finishing me. Think she wants me back but not sure what to do. I love her, but not sure if we can work. I know what she's like though, if she tries to get me back and I fob her off, she'll shut the door completely. She's very proud and stubborn. If I don't take her back now, I'll probably never get the chance again then be truly gutted a few weeks down the line when the dust has settled.

If I say I'll take her back but some things have got to change, she'll argue with me because she's rarely willing to admit she's done wrong. I've not seen her in 5 days, but she says she's been poorly (it's 'that' time, and she says she struggles with stomach and back pains around this time). So she'll say 'I've been ill Phil, you know I have!' and argue the toss. She seems happy if she only sees me at work on our dinner hour, then a few nights in the week. I want more than that. But I know she'll just think I'm being clingy and pushy when I tell her that. Don't know what to do.

Just put her on pissing insurance for my new car an all! Right gutted. Sorry for long winded post. I just needed to vent. My mates aren't great at advice in times like this '**** her off and get a new one mate!' is their usual advice.

 

Perhaps she's a more introverted girl and she indeed felt happy with the way things were going. Assuming you're more extroverted, you can either make a compromise or decide that her need for space is too much for you.