Relationship Rant Thread #5

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The ex is still scrounging at my feet, trying to earn repentence. I have a strong urge to get even with her, to pull some of the dubious stuff I do so well.

 

@Iku: That's indeed complicated. You know, sometimes things look romantic but they are not. Sometimes they are romantic, but there is no "such" relationship. Say if you go fetch your lady friend from the station or give her flowers, or if you see a man and a woman, mere friends but kind towards each other, stroll through a park in the evening, that's all romantic except there isn't always a relationship. Your sitting at the bridge at dawn was romantic, but it doesn't determine the nature of your relationship. Even if she told you about some feelings for you, that doesn't make a relationship yet. Now, it's a different thing if she made advances on you while being with someone else.

She says her mysteries will be unveiled, so I wouldn't push her, but if you are to be in a relationship with her, you should know if she's with someone else.

@Barmy: People sometimes needs others and sometimes don't. Sometimes they need others and others need them at a different time. I've noticed that some people are often comfortable just having a loved one but they don't feel the need to spend too much time. This isn't wrong - if things go well, they have a lifetime to spend together. The thing is that it has to end at some point and there can't always be "tomorrow". Love takes time. It also takes time given to someone, but it also takes time spent with someone. Sometimes you need to give space and sometimes you need to spend time with the other person. Same way, you should give her space, but she should give you attention and time together. She should also give you space, which means that she too should be prepared that you, too, will work, go out with friends, do something else. You need to reconcile these two things somehow.

I don't believe she will always be comfortable seeing you just for one hour every couple of days (if I get you right). Some women can be comfortable with that, but that's rare. I think she was feeling secure, but at the same time she didn't find the same thrill in spending time with you as when she didn't know if it would turn into a lasting relationship or not. I rather tend to think that after some time she would need more of your company. The problem is that it's difficult for you to accept that she would be the one dictating when you meet and how much time you spend together. My advice would be to stop making such concession that could make you resent her. For example, if you need to spend some time with your friend and that happens to be the only day when she would have time for you, then go with the friend. If it is her choice to limit the time spent with you or put little effort in making that time, then let her have the consequences. I am not saying this as a matter of vengeance, but people often don't know what they are doing until they see the consequences and the consequences touch them. At the same time, it's bad to harbour resentment and allow it to pile up. Perhaps you need to get on with your life and stop being ready whenever she is willing. If she learns that she needs to adjust to you as well, not only you to her, maybe she will understand and learn how to do it.

I am worried that she would rarely admit being wrong. In my mind, being unwilling to admit when she's wrong combines with being unwilling to adjust to you and forms a pattern showing that she basically wants to shape the relationship and make decisions. It's not about power, it's about having what you need when you need it. I'm not sure you would be able to live with that. I am willing to bet that you wouldn't.

She might be willing to change, but if she isn't, then she can't hold you hostage by being unable to let you go but also unable to give you attention and consideration. If she won't see the problem or the need to deal with it, I think it will mean that she lives in a bit of a fantasy and it will take effort on her part to straighten it up or else it won't likely go. She has the right to her dreams, but so have you. You shouldn't be guilt-tripped into staying with her and you shouldn't be forced to accept somethingy you don't. This means it would be better to finish the relationship if she wouldn't try to see your point.

I understand what problem you have with your friends' advice. Dumping a girlfriend and moving on over every problem isn't the answer. That way there would only be break-ups and divorces all the way. Besides, it's best to have one girl for good. You're a considerate guy, Barmy, and it seems to me that you need someone who will be considerate to you as well, and who will be as open to you as you are to her. Maybe she isn't that girl. There is always that possibility.

Edit: Today (well, technically yesterday, 13th Sept.) there was a wedding in my circle of friends. Both the bride and the groom were my classmates and he also studied law with me afterward, so people came from both my class (and the wider circle of friends and family) and university. That's nine years of people. I met five could-have-beens in one place. The church was located near to where I met another girl with whom it didn't work out and on my way back I had to go through (or next to, whatever) a park where I went with another school/university could have been. And when I phoned my best friend, he said he was with his lady cousin. I didn't even ask if it was the same I had a failed beginning with when I was 17. I need a rest.

 

K. I'm one of those people who has absolutely no ability to transition from one stage to the next. I am also terrible at seeing opportunities. Plus I'm fairly shallow. OK I'm done.

 

Oh yeah.

 

I eventually fixed my flat's succession.

I kept my two flatlasses as much out of the loop as possible because I didn't want their meddling and inevitable actionism ('we must find someone, anyone, soon, lest we end up paying two rents!'). Those poor, wee souls. Even though that aspect was not exactly planned, I generated maximum discomfort and anxiety for them by telling them as little as possible, which is a satisfactory result and a welcome side effect.

Well, apparently the greatest fear is of the unknown. Because I told them little, the problems they envisioned were solely in their imagination. Did I have candidates? Oh yes. Did I decide late. Certainly. But did I create work for them? No. Did I impose costs on them? No. Did they have to take appointments? No. But I did, many of them. Who took the phone calls? I did, many of them. Who complains? They do. I found it pretty galling when they came along and complained that it took me so long to find successors. Which offered me an opportunity to tell them something I wanted to say for a while. My reply went along that line that this time I wanted to avoid repeating earlier mistakes, and then I offered them some more tea and cookies. They didn't like it. Good.

In a week they're out

 

Congratulations on finally seeing the end of this episode Rag! Hope your next flatmates won't be as much trouble (though I suppose topping the current ones is rather unlikely!)

 

@Ragusa: Good news, revenge is a dish best served with tea and cookies. Good on ya! Getting rid of tenants is a lot of toil and trouble, a friend of mine got a tenant who turned out to be a complete psycho, threatening to sue my friend for ending the contract. The problem is that the legislation often is on the side of the tenant, but my friend has fortunately done everything by the book and been completely civil, whereas the psycho-girl who rented her apartment has spewed insults as much as she can. Too bad for her, it's all on paper, so when they eventually get into court, she gets thrown out. I heard that in France the legislation is even more worse for the landlord...

 

Thanks to a recent incident, which I won't go into details, I've reached breaking point. I"ve picked up the big black marker and put a bigass X and shut woman out of my life for an indefinite period of time. It's time for me to step back and rethink things. I've had enough psycho [censored] and fence-jumping [censored]. Besides, this is a more than needed hiatus, I've got issues of my own regarding woman to take care of.

 

Sucks living with boyfriend and being unable to sleep with him. That's the one thing I was looking forward to, not having to be alone at night in a cold room. The rooms are too small to move both beds into and the beds are too small to share comfortably

 

Get rid of the beds and put a big mattress on the floor of one of the rooms. You can always put the furniture in the other room.

 

Well, it seems my last ex-boyfriend is pulling his nonsense again with another friend. I'm having a hard time biting my tongue, but will continue to do so around the other two girls, since saying something will not solve the problem. The next time I talk to the ex, however, yeah, he's gonna get it with both barrels, and not politely, either.

 

She said the person who I thought was her boyfriend was... "Kinda my ex-boyfriend."

Which of course despite any lingering connection means GO FOR IT! The one problem is this other guy we hang out with, I think she slightly fancies him...

Who cares though!



edit: AND I got a new gem... what a wonderful day.

 

Bah. I lock woman out of my life, and now look, it's raining chicks. What is it with my customs-agent face, cold shoulder and I-don't-give-a-[censored] attitude that draws them to me? Oh wait, crap, I just answered my own question - I'm the taken chick magnet... and an A-hole.

[censored] this [censored]. Take a raincheck, girlies, because I'm not touching any of you with a thousand foot pole for an indefinite period of time. Either that or I reach the threshold of jadedness and turn into a casual dater.

 

OK, me and my lass aren't getting back together for a while. Long story, with too many little things to tell. Maybe another time. Wrapped up, we argue about something (usually something I did wrong - she's never wrong), she doesn't listen, we argue some more, then I have enough, tell her I don't need it and tell her to feck off. So she fecks off. Slammed the door in her face the other day. She came round to say hello, we ended up having amazing sex, then a massive argument. Oops.

It's unfortunate, as the good times are good, I like being around her when things are going well. She's just impossible to cope with when she's not happy about something and I don't need that. I need a simpler girl. It is a shame though as I'll miss the good times. Plus the fact that she's a good looking girl with a tight body, and it does my confidence no end of good when I'm out and about with her! She is a laugh though, you can wind her up and take the piss and she just gives it back. She's a good laugh, and a good girl, she'll go out of her way for someone. Oh well, when it doesn't work, it doesn't work! I'll have to find another. It hurts to lose her though.

Thanks for all the replies before as well guys, I read them all and took them all on board!

 

Best of luck, Chicken.

I'm pretty sure you got that one the wrong way round. Even I know the right order!

 

Ordinarily yeah. However, we were having a great night until I said the wrong thing about the wrong person and she flew on one. She would not have it that I meant it innocently and didn't mean anything by it, so I eventually told her to sling her hook and slammed the door in her face. Immediately regretted it, but we all do rash things in arguments. We still see each other quite a bit though. In fact she came around here earlier on for sex. That was good actually.

Good thing about singleton life - I can smoke again! I quit for a few months as she didn't like it. She gave the old 'well, it's your decision but you know it's a waste of money and no good for you, but it's up to you if you want to' which translated means 'I want you to stop smoking now'. The smokes I've had recently have been like.. amazin. It feels like someone has pulled 10 anvils off my shoulders.

 

Pass them my way!

 

We just went out to eat- as friends- and I think it was really pleasant for both of us... Had to part ways for a bit, but we're going to play some basketball at the recreation center now

Thanks for the luck Decados.

Edit: cancel that basketball part... something came up

Kinda rescheduled for tomorrow, but we'll see what happens there.

 

Arrrrrrr, get yer own booty!

On a more serious note, aren't you supposed to have a gf?

 

Sometimes being alone is painful.

Then I take a good, long look at what I'm missing out on and suddenly it isn't half as bad.

Plus, seeing what my health has degenerated to in the past year or so, I doubt I could be what I'd want to be to anyone I love. Thank heavens for modern medicine - even with all the wait for the proper surgeries.