Relationship Rant Thread #6

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Kit, February was a symptom. She left you emotionally long before that. "Freedom" in the way she put it is not something you suddenly feel -- it is something a person chooses to take advantage of.

If you'll permit me I'd make three suggestions:

1. Take care of yourself physically. Exercise, reduce your caffeine intake, reduce your nicotine -- these will all help to lower the stress you're feeling. Watch your alcohol consumption -- keep it lower than what you would normally do (also don't drink and dial).

2. Take care of yourself emotionally. Don't get involved with someone until you know you are ready. Take up a new hobby or revisit an old one that does not have any emotional ties to your wife.

3. Take care of yourself legally. If she left you emotionally a long time ago you can count on a summons soon. Be prepared for it. Talk to friends about a good attorney, interview a couple. Be sure you know all your (and your wife's) financial information. Don't give away the store because you're feeling like a total ****.

 

Ahh, the ultimate betrayal. If someone feels your pain, it's me. Best of luck in trying to save your marriage, though if you don't mind me saying, I think you're stuck on a drowning ship. When someone crosses the infidelity line... that tells an awful lot.

And I'll also second Silv.

+1. Words of wisdom.

 

Kit, T2's advice makes a lot of sense. Heed it.

One more from me: Link up with friends and talk the matter through. Maybe they can't help you but you formulating and thinking about the matter will help you understanding it. I am glad that I had friends who were willing to patiently listen to my lamentations.

When my relationship with my ex-gf broke up one thing that really helped me was exercising, go running to be precise. Not only does it feel good, getting in shape again also boosts self esteem. I really needed that at the time.

Working up the matter emotionally may take a while, but that's probably inevitable when you have been in a relationship for years, I guess.

 

Sorry to hear that Kit, hopefully you two can sort it out allthough it does not sound very likely at the moment from what you wrote.

 

I feel the exact same way...I told her that too. I also told her that if she leaves me, I'll stick around for a little while...but I'm not going to wait forever, and one day she's going to suddenly wake up and realize she made the biggest mistake of her life...but by then I'll be long gone.

#1 - I've actually lost about 25 Lbs since this all started. Not because I've been trying, but because eating makes me sick. As for reducing caffeine...who do you thing I am?!?! I've been meaning to exercise, but I'm lazy. I probably should though.

#2 - This was my first clue when she went out and bought her car with a loan 100% on her. Then she applies for school...again, on her loans. I asked her about that - If she was breaking all ties now, so it would be easier later...she never did give me a straight answer.
I have a feeling this is where it's going to get messy if we do get divorced. Almost everything in that house is mine. The couches, every single piece of entertainment electronics, the bedroom set (bed frame, dresser, and nightstand - cost over $1200), everything in the computer room, etc. A few items we bought with credit...and she did make payments for awhile, but we consolidated our debt into one loan...which is my bill now.

All she said is that she wants all 3 cats and one couch (the big one of course). That's a problem, because I want *one* of the cats...but if I take the one I want, that would leave the two that hate each other alone, and she doesn't want that...and she mentioned that she's willing to fight for them, because thechnically, their adoption papers are in her name, and paid for on her debit card - which takes money from *our* joint checking account. Sure, their just cats...but their like our children.

 

I don't think it works that way, Kit. It'll be over sooner without excuses born out of despair.

Then again, I wouldn't be the one to know.

 

Wow Kit, I am sorry man, I wish the best to you. I don't have any (good) advice, but I hope everything works out the best that it can at this point.

 

Kit - Whatever you choose to do, don't let self-doubt eat you up. My childhood friend did and he is a mere shadow of his former self. You need to find some positive place, plant your standard there and make your stand. For awhile. Don't retreat inside yourself, let your friends/family/loved ones help you. Talk to them about it, it really helps.

 

Kit, when it comes to dividing the stuff -- keep big picture in mind. One big itme for most of my friends was music and videos. I decided that was not going to be a sticking point so I made a big pile of all the CD/DVD's that were hers (given as gifts) and everything I really had no strong feeling about -- that was over half. She then did the same; in the end we had seven CD's that we each wanted. I gave her first choice and there were no arguments.

My point is you can do that with everything. Keep in mind the few things that are important to you and, most especially, the few things that are important to her. Everything goes much smoother if you can work out the division of stuff in a friendly fashion. But be careful what you promise (and as dmc said what you write). I've seen things get nasty real fast over really stupid things -- couples seem to thing the divorce settlement is a win-lose thing and are willing to do anything (and pay thousands of dollars) to be the winner. Divorce is lose-lose, nobody every wins.

Pets can be a really big deal. All I'll say is really think about it -- I loved my cats, but they stayed with my ex. Overall, it was a good thing. I was able to take off for a week to Aruba with the future Mrs Bruno without having to worry about the cats (or finding someone to take care of them) -- plus Mrs Bruno is a dog person.

 

That would be wrong Tal. If you have a prenup, you have already lost....

 

Are you against insurance policies as well then

There's a difference between ensuring there are provisions for should the worst case scenario occur, and expecting the worst to occur.

 

If I thought there was ANY possiblity of my wife or myself doing anything that would cause a divorce, I wouldn't get married to begin with. But that's just me. If I had those types of thoughts, marriage wouldn't even be on the table, just the nooky!

 

Awwww f*** this is bad....very very bad...

So Jessica called me earlier this week and said that she had changed the locks on the house because she can't trust me.

That was a slap in the face, because when I was living at home and she was living with a friend, she came over all the time, and I only said something about it once. But I never tried to keep her out.

Last night, I went over on my 1st break (around 10pm (she wasn't home from work yet)) to see if she was bluffing about the locks because there was some stuff I needed. Well, as I found out that she wasn't bluffing, the garage door opened, so I snuck away...only to find the car pulling in to my garage was the other guy I mentioned before. He clearly has a garage opener and a working key to my house... That made me mad, but I had to get back to work, and as I left, I passed Jessica in her car as I left...and I know she saw me...

So does she not trust me? Or did she change the locks so I don't barge in on them frolicking around *my* house? You be the judge.

We're getting together tomorrow to "celebrate" or 3 year anniversary...which, is just going to be a long, painful talk. I've got a whole list of things I'm going to say, and questions I'm going to ask.

 

If the questions ain't practical, I got all the answers.

It just simply doesn't matter. It's over, and knowing why it's over doesn't help any.

 

Maybe not now, but in future relationships it helps a lot to know what went wrong. Especially in a 10+ year relationship...

 

I'll have to agree with Taz here. The mind drifted away, then the body did, now she rockstars your ass to the street in favor of that other prick.

Don't bother meeting her. Get your stuff -- personal storage works wonder and they're cheap for a short period of time, which is what you need -- and then eliminate her completely from your life is my advice. That's what I'd do.