Relationship Rant thread

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Bah, I still disagree that you have to be a bad guy to get the girl. Girls may well fantasise about the bad buy but it doesn't mean that's who they'll choose in real life. Just like some guys may fantasise about busty blondes in bikinis but it doesn't mean that they won't end up with a nice petite brunette who dresses conservatively.

 

and that is why Elizabeth settled with her pretendee-pirate instead of running off with Jack Sparrow.

 

@HB: It's not just about looks. I've known good girls with blond hair and large chests and I've known petite brunette bad girls (talking about "roles"... perhaps they weren't exactly bad, but still). I know that's not exactly what you meant but I wouldn't like to limit it to external matters.

I realise you're married and I'm not trying to call you a bad boy. My point is that when a good guy succeeds with a woman, it's either 1) where there's no bad guy around to compete, or 2) already after way too many bad guys. A third possibility, 3) is a good guy acting like a bad guy at least to some extent. I can't recall a good guy ever winning in direct competition with a bad guy. Oh wait, maybe once: a girl got together with a good guy on one night, made out with the bad guy the same night, chose the good guy on the next day. The goodie was behaving like a gentleman, the baddie was telling her he wanted sex with her as if she should be happy with the news, not to mention the standard treat her badly and ignore her stuff. I don't know what made her choose the good guy, as the bad guy's methods should theoretically have been much more successful. I suppose she was desperately looking for a husband, but this is just a hypothesis.

As for bad girls and fantasising, I don't do that. I just don't get attracted to anything in the bad girl scheme. I like potential, resourcefulness, playfulness and a certain kind of toughness, as well as an adventuring spirit, but I don't get attracted to uncertainty, getting a cold shoulder or being ignored. It doesn't put me off, but it cuts the connection for me. And I prefer conservative talking and conduct anytime.

 

Speaking from experience in context of this 'girls prefer bad boys' thing, a lot of girls/women/females like be treating like a doormat. I did, for a while anyway because I was a complete sheep in society and thought those around me knew me better than I knew myself. <baa baa>

It takes a long time for a female to realize she doesn't need to be a submissive doormat in order to be a complete person. About the time I came to understand nobody (with the exception of close family) loved or gave a **** whether I lived or died, I also understood being 'alone' wasn't this nasty, horrible thing society claims it is.

At this point, I also quit hanging around the people still caught up in the doormat syndrome. They pestered me with questions and I answered them, furthering the alienation of our 'friendships'. Some people can't take honesty.

After a year of being 'alone', I got married to a nice guy. I love him to death and find ways to keep ourselves entertained. I read romance novels which typically have bad boys as the 'heroes'. I fantasize/dream about bad boys and that's all. Maybe I've grown up, but I don't find the real-life bad boys exciting - to me, they're (mostly) irresponsible twits.

 

I think that Poland must be a different world from New Zealand then. My wife and all of my friend's wives have chosen the "good" guy over the "bad" guy, despite there being plenty of "bad" guys in "competition" at the time. Maybe we all just managed to choose sensible women. Or maybe it's just impossible for us to generalise about things like this and people just end up with the people they are most suited to.

 

Huuum, I think it's the right thread to says this.

Today Émilie seemed odd, as if she was shy-er (?) than normal, I wonder maybe it was because of me.

Good for me, AFAIK I'm the only interrest in her. My friends doesn't understand what's interresting in her... odd.

 

Strange but by no means unfamiliar. Perhaps she enjoys the flirt with you and likes you, but wants to have fun before settling down with a good guy?

 

Maybe, or maybe it's just my imagination. Perhaps she is just too shy to turn me down. Sigh I hope it's not the case, I hate it when people lack courage to speak their mind.

 

Perhaps you could ask if she's interested or if she's just being kind. Hanging around and spending lots of time together, while helping the romantic side develop slowly, may be a good idea, better than rushing, but it may be painful, especially if you only much later find out she isn't interested. It isn't really in the best style to ask if a girl is interested in you until you're talking about starting a relationship, either.

 

Wonder how's Émilie going to be today, mayber she'll be less shy, or maybe I ought to let time decide what'll happen to us both.

Or perhaps my interrest in her dwindle because I fear she is too alike my ex. And I certainly don't want to experience that kind of experience again.

Maybe, maybe it's just my own imgination but still.

I think friendship will be enough for now, or... I don't know I'm very confused. Ugggrh...

 

@Chev Girls notice when you compliment them, right? I commented about her nose. She said she doesn't have a beautiful nose like Cleopatra (we made some small jokes because she dyied her hair and she looked like Cleo) and I told her that her nose might not be like Cleo's but it's cute. For some reason I like seeing her smile and I like hearing her laugh. Heck I just feel happy when I'm around her. My mom said that my face lights up when I talk about her. I tend to compliment her whenever I can (but without overdoing it".

She's still with the moronic b/f but we still get along nicely. I invited her to my birthday and she said ok- then she asked me if she should come alone or not. I played a hunch and decided to be diplomatic and told her that she can bring whoever she wants. Turns out I was right, she said her b/f would grumble if she went without him (that guy is a mental case if you ask me). I don't mind to much but I hope she'll realise that the guys a jerk before something stupid happens.

How normal is this? Spilling my guts to unkown people across the world? Then again I have more trust in you guys than in some loud mouth people I know. The anonimity of the Internet.

 

And that just about says it all. It's easier to spill ones guts out to people whom you don't know, and who doesn't know you either.

Best wishes with the Cleo girl, let's hope she sees her current boyfriend for what you tell us he really is...

 

@Lord Garak: Wasn't nose the only bad thing they had to say about Cleo's looks? Nose is nice. Eyes are first choice but yeah, first choice. Sometimes too obvious is not good. Anyway, do tell her what you really think. You wouldn't be telling her her nose was pretty if it weren't, right? From what you're saying, it looks like she already knows he's not exactly normal. Besides, you probably did right telling her to bring along whomever she wants. Not like I see you hitting on a taken girl (too much) but this way you'll more surely avoid doing something you could regret.

@Ofelix (re the post below): It looks like genuine interest, either friendly or romantic.

[ September 16, 2005, 22:06: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Huuum Émilie today asked me a personal question, it's a new thing she haven't done anything of that sort...

Huuum do I see thing ot what?

Nonetheless I'm still confused

 

What's this?!? A thread to rant about relationships? Excellent!

I met a nice girl, cute, smart, anything you can possibly want... but there's a big backlash: she comes from a ****ed up family. Mother casted off when she was 2, father is a big cocaine user...

DISCLAIMER: The next paragraph is my two cents, feel free to disagree/agree/argue/treat me of dumbass/whatever you feel like it!

Now I cannot blame her for this, but trying to build a relationship with someone from this background leaves a doubt behind my mind. These type of people usually are survivors who seek a relationship to "repair" themselves with a person, then leave. After being cheated 3 times in a row, I *really* don't want to be used, then dropped.

As Valygar said in BGII: "Family reveals much about someone"...

 

@Ofelix: Sometimes people just want to know about you. Sometimes they are just trying to learn something new about the human nature. One question every now and then doesn't determine anything. But does it look like she cares or does it look like she's just curious to know the answer?

@TNO: It's good that you don't ignore the importance of generalisations. Sheepishly avoiding generalising is foolish. But on the other hand, don't rely on generalisations too much. You can't really know if the girl wants to leave you after repairing herself, so you might as well give her the benefit of the doubt if you really like her and think you can trust her. People who want to use you to build up their own self-esteem don't have a relationship with you. Or when they have, they don't really leave you but rather make it drag on and on. And if you can't trust her... no family will help that and who needs a relationship with someone he can't trust? So it ultimately comes down to how much you know her and how much you can trust her, doesn't it? At least I think it does.

 

@Chev: Yes, I am generalizing, I am aware of it... but as much as I like her, but I have an unpleasent doubt behind my mind. I am not closed-mind to the idea of a relationship with her... but after being cheated three times in a row by three different girls, trust has taken many solid hits, and lays broken in pieces. But then again, I guess that part of really loving someone is to willingly accept the possibility to suffer. Who can truly know love without knowing pain?

Maybe I'm just not ready to throw myself into a new relationship too... maybe I should let her know my interest and build a friendship with her until wounds of the past become scars of the past... what'cha think?

 

That would pretty much rely on the feelings you hold for this girl. A freindship with one you feel more for than you, well "ought" to (in lack of better word), is never going to be a good friendship as sorts.

Mind you wounds might become scars, but scars mark your soul still! I do myself come from a so-called "broken" home. My father was alcoholic, herion addictive and beat us badly. This trashed a lot of my past, and I did myself become addicted to drugs for a time being.
Mind you that despite I live a "normal" live now, the marks on my soul will never fully vanish, as they won't vanish on this girl...
In the end everything holds or brake with whether you can accept, and live with her having a "darker" site of herself, and having memories in the backpack you might never fully understand.
This site of her will forever be a site of her, though she can "supress" it, and let it be a minor site of her... I think I'm going in circles here..

Shortly, I would say no... You should either go for it and hope for the best (you might be the strong pillar in midst of the darkness that she needs to get on), or you shouldn't be either...

 

@olimikrig: I hear you. My own father was an heavy cocaine user, and he disappeared when I turned two years old. More a Good Riddance than a soppy farewell.

A healed wound becomes a scar, but even then, you can still feel it. I totally agree with you on that.

I don't know what will happen... it seems so mixed up in my head. Both options deserve a fair share of thinking... blah, I'll go sleep on it. Let us continue this rambling maybe tomorrow.

 

There is a danger if the relationship develops further, that she may *think* that she loves you, and confused the feeling of being cared for, as her love for you, but then again, it may work out great. You have to use your own judgement for this one.