Relationship Rant thread

Remove all ads!

@TNO: Hurt people don't always seek healing at the expense of others. I would even say that a total lack of wounds is more likely to result in egoism and being flat out spoilt than wounds are to cause the urge to repair oneself and leave the partner.

I won't go into a screwed childhood contest, suffice to say I've seen some good things and some bad things and there are things I don't want to bring up. I've seen vast amounts of spite, deception, betrayal. Perhaps because it was easier for me to see, or maybe because I care to look... But those things ultimately teach you that while everyone can come back to the light, everyone can fall to the dark. Everyone, literally. If for a short moment. It would help bear it if people who step against you out of spite or betray you were all evil and corrupt. Casualty of war, deception by enemy... But all too often they are good people put in situations they can't handle. Perhaps they are still on the same side with you.

One of the reasons why people behave like they do and hurt others is that they are suspicious by default. They don't trust you and see you as a potential enemy. By staying away from people not because they have actually done anything but because of their families and histories, we would do this exact thing. We would hurt them, make them outcasts and harden the wall between them and the rest of people. Next, by distrusting and dismissing people on account of our personal fears and without reference to anything the persons really have done, we would join the ranks of those who are out to hurt people. As a result, we would eventually end up in the bad guys league before we noticed. Et voila, victim becomes oppressor.

 

@Chev: Wow. You really are an sage. There is much truth in what you say... and it is the subject to much, much reflexion.

This case was settled this morning... I called her with the firm intention of making "The Great Leap"... however, my bubble was bursted pretty quickly when she told me she had a new boyfriend... And guess what, it's nobody else than my own damn (now former) best friend.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOO pissed off right now.

 

I feel with you TNO...

Did your friend know about the feelings you held for this girl, if not I guess you better sit back and reflect a wee upon whether he is to blame for this, or rather yourself for not going for it earlier?

Of course it can be hard at times like these, when the anger boils underneath your skin, yet the sooner you think about this, the sooner you can go on...

Best wishes from me.

 

Was the friend in love with her or just getting a girlfriend? If he was just dating around and getting a girl, then he should have stayed away from yours. But if he thought he had real feelings for her and she was receptive to them, then it's hard to hold it against him. Or her.

How did the girl behave with you? Was she just being friendly, somewhat energised, having a good time and enjoying your company etc etc, or did she actually do romantic stuff and talk to you as if you were her lover? Leading on sucks but sometimes the romantic life can be complicated.

It sucks when people change mind on you but it happens to everyone. Sometimes people can't hide their crush on you even if they try not to act on it and then they meet someone new and it hurts you even if they had promised you nothing.

Also, if she actually led you on, then you're better off without her than with her. Also, you're better off with her going away rather than trying to be loyal to you to the extreme and ending up with you but crying after that guy, making both of you unhappy... So, I guess, cheer up and move on.

[ October 06, 2005, 19:09: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

YES, the bastard knew how I felt towards he and he DARE to snatch her right under my nose!!! ****ing bastard!!! I am SOOOOOO pissed of I feel like beating the **** out of his ****ing face!

I better calm down or Taluntain will likely kick my ass.

And she DID gave me the feeling of enjoying my company, and last time we saw each other, we werem discussing more in-depth about what we want about a relationship, well you know the draft.

Another Day, Another Betrayal... BOTH CAN BURN IN HELL. They're on "THE" Blacklist now, and anyone falling on "THE" Blacklist never comes out of it.

 

Well, it looks like you have a reason to party, getting rid of an unstable girl and a crappy friend. If this is of any consolation, what kind of feelings could she have had for you if she talked to you about your relationship and ran off with that guy on the next day or something? Bid her adieu and be happy you're single and free to take for a better woman.

 

Yes... as soon as I get out of class, I'll sip a fine Jack Daniels on ice, and I'll light up a cherry captain black to calm down.

Yes, this indeed deserves a party, and, coincidentally, it's also my b-day in four days. So it's gonna be one HELL of a party.

Good riddance to those two bastards, and thanks to Chev, olimikrig and Cúchulainn. I really appreciate that you've all taken the time to write me a few lines.

I shall hang around the forum to add my input to yours.

 

Well, the storm calmed down, and after a slight soulbleed, I've pondered on everything that happened, and realized that I'm better off without those two bastards.

I'll take a toast to you guys' health.

 

Unstable, strange, these are the words that come to my mind sooner than bastards. I doubt there was any ill will in what they did. It was just weird. Perhaps the girl got hit by the runaway bride syndrome and ran away from the perspective of a serious relationship into yet another silly romance, fling or whatever it is. Perhaps the guy was attracted to her because of the lure of forbidden fruit or maybe even your romantic outpourings made him wonder about the girl. It just shows they need to grow up a bit, both of them. Unless the situation was more complicated. Had your friend been single until recently, had she been interested in him before?

Well, anyway, good for you to be out of that and away from both of them. The girl will probably try to return to you at some point (most exes and could have beens try to return), but unless she has had an alignment shift and gained a couple of levels... I mean, undergone a radical change of heart and grown up somewhat , you know better than that.

 

Heh, well, whatever happened, happened... I don't really give a flying **** anymore... whatever went through her mind, I care not, as she's on blacklist and will never get out of it. I don't know if there was any ill will in all this... but I wouldn't be surprised. Not much surprises me anymore. But as to her... even with an "alignment shift" and a few more "levels", I don't believe in redemption. Cross me once, and it's over. For good. Trust, once shattered, is lost forever. I am, after all, 28% Good and 94% Chaotic.

And seeing her trying to come back to me would be the ultimate demonstration of disrespect. You cast off with one of my friends, double-cross my trust, and beg for forgiveness? Get out of my sight, bitch.

Just my two cents.

[ October 08, 2005, 08:15: Message edited by: The New Order ]

 

All right, I've held it in as long as I could and here's the explosion. When the f*** did I become a mother instead of a wife?!?! All I do in my marriage is nag hubby on a daily basis - pick up your clothes, hang up the wet towel, are we going to such-and-such store today?, etc. etc.

The little, piddly stuff I can brush off and move on with my life. I sigh and pick up his socks and stuff, knowing he left it there not on purpose, but because he was exhausted from work.

It's this 'we need to go to the bank/store today before it closes but he's too wrapped up in his f****** online game or looking at porn to bother' cycle. I ask him asap, Honey, can we go to the store today? 'Oh yeah, yeah,' he tells me and gets into his online gaming or Tie Fighter now that it works. After 4 hours, if there's still time to get there before it closes, I mention it again. He gives me the same blah-blah, yeah when I'm done speech. After a few more hours, by which the store is obviously closed, he poped out of his gaming stupor and is all, 'Oh, I forgot! You should have reminded me! Etc. Etc.'

I *hate* nagging him as it puts me in line with his mother, and we tend to escalate it into an all-out screaming match, but jeez Louise boy! All I'm asking is to go to the store for some groceries. I can't live on cod au gratin and moosehead soup like you. I *need* food that came from either a cow or a pig or a chicken. There's only so much you can do with eggs and pasta before your body protests with indigestion and vomiting.

So, am I being overly sensitive and complainy, or has hubby really turned into a complete and utter a******?

 

Both. There are clearly problems on both sides, though it seems to originate mostly from your hubby. Sit down and talk with him, calmly and reasonably (if you're still feeling to wound up you may want to find a place to relax for a hour or so), and let him know what you're having trouble with, and listen to any complaints he has. DON'T let it turn into "you do this" "but you do that" argument, because that will just piss you both off until you can calm down enough to apologize to each other and do it for real.

One thing that helps is to try to become familiar with his games. Which ones have pause functions, how long the levels/scenarios/whatever take. (When we're in the game, we're in the game, but if you can catch him at a time where he can take a small break from his game, you might even be able to turn it into 4 hours of errands. If you ask him something while he's playing, the info has a lifespan of an hour tops (5 mins. average).

 

@kuemper: Most guys don't care about socks or other clothes on the floor or empty coffee cups, beer bottles and the like. Even if we are neat about personal hygiene, we still don't have the mindset to care about all the cleaning stuff. Doesn't mean we expect a female to do it, but sometimes it just doesn't bother us and we have other things to do, more important ones... They are trivial from the point of view of a female but not for us. I can assure you, most males can think about things female can't be arsed to do until it's too late or something. It's just different priorities, I would say. Sometimes nagging has a reverse effect. I can tell you from personal experience that if you nag and nag, the male is likely to close in himself because he doesn't want a fight but he still doesn't want to give up on his ideas and picking up would feel like giving in, even if he would otherwise do it on her own. Well, you said I was similar to your hubby and in my case, I just hate when someone tries rearranging things for me. It's a bit like when grannie is visitting before we go somewhere. I will ask her on my own what looks better etc, but if she starts telling me what to put on, the rebel triggers in me and I won't like it, even if I otherwise would. Same when someone starts nagging about things I was even getting around to doing -- I just stop wanting to do them and want to put my foot down and say bloody no. But I tend to appreciate being left alone without much complaining and eventually do even more than asked. In due time (i.e. when I feel like it). Sometimes I will even interrupt a relatively not-so-urgent activity to do something or even pick up or clean if I don't hear any blame or complaint or suffering in the asker's voice. I also hate what I call "complaining just in case", excessive reminding of an event or deadline coming before it actually does (it makes me hate the to-do thing with animalistic passion) and any sort of training (like "teaching" me to pick up or something). Absent that, I can even be reasoned with, to some extent.

As for games and other stuff, isn't your hubby subconsciously getting the "I don't want to go to the ****ing shop" reaction? I can tell you that being interrupted when immersing in a game or even intellectual work on the computer is extremely stressful. For example, I don't mind talkng when doing normal work, but when I'm coding some PHP by trial and error after a couple of coffees for energy and a couple of beers for not exploding, when someone walks into the room wanting some mundane stuff, I'm almost ready to kill. I always finish stuff earlier on my own than when I'm being hurried, not even only on the computer, but in general. I realise this is somewhat of an addict's reaction and I don't have a golden way of working it out but I can tell you deconcentration is evil. As Felinoid says, info lives 5 minutes. All unsolicited external information is treated like hostile intrusion and the system gets rid of it ASAP. And any female who complains about my games or forums being dumb had better not watch Brazilian soap operas or have a real-life or online gossip circle...

Doesn't he have problems in work or private life? Those are a huge impulse to lose oneself into books, movies or games to take some (or actually a lot of) focus off reality. From a bad boss to the boredom of unchaning mundane existence, games are sweet bliss of oblivion. It's not about a game so much as playing and not so much about playing as drifting away from the temporal world. Looks like you're in for some talking. Aren't you losing connection, isn't communication suffering between the two of you?

[ October 29, 2005, 20:08: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

@Felinoid - I know his games very well. I don't play them often, but I do know what he knows because he taught me. Does that make sense?

@chev - He's getting into games to get away from Real Life, which I do, too. And, yes, he rebels when someone tells him to do something he's already doing, which I do, too. Is there a trend here?

Well, I got tired of waiting for him, so I went to the store on my own. He followed and cornered me in the milk aisle. We argured a bit there, then I walked away with the rejoinder of 'Stay at work then'. He caught up with me in the vestibule of the store and we argued some more. I went outside so I could get louder and I laid into him.

I stalked home and sat on the back porch for half an hour until he came home and found me. We hugged and cried and apologized. We both felt guilty for calling each other worthless and sorrowful for the anger built up. He said he needs me to live; I'm his focus in life. I said I felt like a rock since I can't work and I hate to nag him. He said, "Nag me. You push me when I need it. Without you, I'd still be the big lump I was eight years ago."

We talked about the real reasons I was upset and things were okay. I let out this humungeous belch and *that* broke us into laughter. We're both better now and back to our usual selves. He hacking evil Sith followers in Jedi Academy. Thanks for listening and putting up with me ranting.

 

Yep, sounds like the argument->apology that I predicted. Oh well, no long-term damage done. Just try to catch him at a save point or pausable situation in the future; believe me, it saves a lot of trouble. Oh, and..

He means that literally; when you really need to do something, don't take no for an answer (stand over his shoulder if you have to). If he's as smart as you, he'll see the pattern of easier living and that he's not being bugged for naught; the complaints will become less frequent and the path even smoother. You'll have him trained in no time.

 

Can I go off on my own rant now? I am sorry that I have no advice, I am not married (and don't plan on getting married), so I have no experience in that category.


My girlfriend and I have been dating for several months now, and at the beginning, it was wonderful. However, over the summer, I didn't see her that much, as she was always away at the times when I wasnt, and vice versa. I sort of lost the passion that I had at the beginning on the relationship. This weekend, we were at a party, and we had a great time, and I felt reinvigorated. However, I don't know if that was love or lust that I felt. I mean, we didn't really do anything much, just kissing and cuddling/snuggling (whatever you call it), but I certainly felt something new again.

But I don't always feel that way, sometimes I'm not really attracted to her, but others times I am. I don't want to do anything stupid and regret it (I have a lot of past experience with regret), but I don't want to be in a lopsided relationship.

I haven't talked to her about it, however, because I am not exactly sure what to do. I don't know whether to break it off or not, because I don't want to screw things up, like I usually do.

Another factor: She and I are both in the same group of friends. I fear that if I break it off, I will create tension and awkwardness amongst my friends...

Suggestions (for those of you with time to spend reading my issues)?

 

Passion tends to be lost over time. Sometimes it returns, sometimes it doesn't. From what people say, sex drive always fades away and it's getting more and more like two friends under the same roof. My personal experience shows that hurts and wounds shoot passion down until such a point that you hold your ex and your blood is cooler than with a blood relative. It isn't so bad... some people don't really have much of it at all. Shows that relationships shouldn't really be built on it. Not exclusively or predominantly, I mean.

My suggestion would be to think how it works for both of you. If you see yourself (possibly) sharing your lives or if it's doubtful that you will last, or if you already know it won't work in the long run. Interim relationships suck as do dead-end ones. Is it what you seek, what you want from life, or is it not? If you simply don't know but it does work, then, I guess, it would be good to continue the relationship and pay attention to things. If your doubts are overwhelming or if you already know it's dead, talk to her and try to stay friends, I think.

If you ask my opinion, you're always better off with strong friendship and deficient passion than with strong passion and deficient friendship. Friends don't cheat, friends don't lie, friends don't put their own interest before yours. Passionate lovers do various things.

 

Now it's my turn to rant.

About a month ago, my aunt introduced me to one of her friends which she had met at school. She's two years younger than I am, but it doesen't bother me. So, we spend an eve chatting about everything and nothing, the eve goes well, and this is where it gets sticky. My mother asks me what I think about that girl. I tell her that I am interested, but that I wish to take things easy and slow. A few days after, my blasted mother tells my aunt that I am not interested!!! I don't see my aunt very often, since she lives kinda far away from me, so I didn't had a chance to fix my blasted mother's mistake. And last time my aunt popped in, what do I learn? Because of my stupid ****ing mother's meddling, she thought I *really* wasn't interested and now has a BF.

My ranting is not towards this fine woman, but rather to my stupid ****ing mother. I HATE IT when parents speak for us!!! What do you know of what I think?!? Are you in my damn head??? Now I gotta get in touch with that girl, rectify the idiocy my mother did and wait for her to be single again. ARGHHHHH!!!

 

Ah, I am sorry for you, DotW. To quote Stewie:

"Wait, wait. Did you just tell me what I like? How dare you! For every pickle I find, I shall kill you!"

Thats why I don't talk to my parents about my girlfriend or other friends, so they can't screw things up.


Damn pickles...

 

I usually don't, but my family's pretty small and news go around quickly. Even if I kept my mouth shut about that, everyone in the family would have known sooner or later.

Your Stewie quote was great, Saber... I kinda hold a grudge of some sort towards my mother since that day...

CHEV!!! What do you think of my ranting a few posts above!