Relationship Rant thread

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What happened?

 

@ Fara: Nice work - especially the "nothing's wrong" part, I've always had trouble with that one. I usually work off the assumption that "Nothing's wrong" really means "Explain why you think something's wrong and maybe I'll tell you" or "Your future is looking painful unless you fix this".

I think I can add a few to Fara's list, even though I only have a male's view of things... ladies, feel free to correct me as necessary.

1. Can I ask you about something? = Sit down and listen to me, because something you are doing or something about you is pissing me off.

2. What do you want to do tonight? = I want us to do something tonight and have probably already picked it out, but I want to see if you know it.

3. How does this look? = either "Be honest" or "Tell me how great this looks"; this is a tricky one and you will have to tell by reading tone and facial expression.

4. We need to talk = Either I need help, or you're going to beg me to kill you very soon, because I'm really worried about something or I'm past being civil about something.

Re: the whole "talking in bed" thing - did anyone see the "Coupling" episode where one of the guys says his girlfriend won't ever let him go home and sleep at his place after they have sex? He and his mates are at a bar, and he comes to the conclusion that once the lights turn off, the girl turns into "a hairy, inquisitive sex octopus", because her hair gets in his eyes, she won't let him leave and appears to have gained at least four more limbs to hold him immobile, and keeps asking questions of him. Funny stuff - highly recommended viewing for the guys and girls of this forum.

Enagonios, here's a link for you:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/coupling/

 

lol

yeah, they started showing that series here a few months ago, maybe I should check it out

 

@ SotC - Long story, we started to talk and then started talking about the relationship, and why she didn't want to be friends after; I did some stuff that I didn't find wrong but that hurt her and destroyed her trust in me. I don't really want to talk about it, I just thought I'd keep you guys updated so that one of you wouldn't say "So, hows the friendship with the ex? thinkin' of taking it to the next level, eh?" or something like that.

 

Hey, Coupling is the only show of that type I watch - and it also has Jack Davenport so it is muchly recommended

As it is, I shall strop offtopiccing now.

 

Tell her that you love her. Do not ever lie to her. If you say something like "I love the way you look," then you're not lying and she just wants to hear that you care about her.

Funny, I always liked it when a girl wants to spend lots of time with me.

Heh. Had that one happen before.

I disagree with that.

That sounds as though you need to stop compromising so much. You are doing the relationship no favors by ignoring your own feelings and desires. Tell her that you value her opinions but you feel as though you are not being able to pursue your interests. She'll understand, and if not, she's not worth being with anyway.

Do that and she'll dump you. Follow the advice that I gave above.

Seriously, if your goal in the relationship is to get intimate with her, you're in for a disappointment. Never try to get into a real relationship because you want to have sex with her.

Then respond in the morning. Tell her that you go to bed (and when) and will be unable to respond after a certain hour. Believe me, she will understand. Women are not as self-centered as so many men make them out to be.

It does mean "Sit down and listen to me," but she's not always upset with you.

She does want to do an activity with you. She may already have something in mind or she may not.

Be honest with her, but do it in a way that lets her know that you still love her.

For example: "That is a horrible dress but you make it look lovely."

That one is correct.

[ February 24, 2005, 19:41: Message edited by: Rastor ]

 

Same, same.

Hehehe. Haven't had a better laugh in ages. You see... I don't believe in sex before marriage and it's concrete. Non-option. What you're saying is about the same what I was saying, only in a different context. Sometimes she simply doesn't want any advances from you even if you're a couple. Doesn't mean she doesn't want you. She does want you but not in the sexual way. So just hold her and keep her company and listen to what she has to tell you. Seriously, if relationships were about sex, it would be no fun. Eh, they wouldn't be relationships that way, anyway. Sex you can have with pretty much everyone who hasn't had it for some time and doesn't make ceremonies about it. It's the other stuff what makes a relationship.

BTW, when I saw your post, I thought it was mine. Hehe. You're definitely under bad influence.

 

Its been over a week since she dumped me and I still feel like sh*t. I still feel the same way about her, thats why it hurts, I know I can't have her, but I still feel she's the best. We're on better terms now, we're sorta friends again, but it still pains me to see her and know that we won't be together again. I can't move on because I still don't find any women attractive but her. Yeah, I know others are pretty and such, but I only find her beautiful. Tis hard to explain, but I'm not attracted to any woman except her. This was the cause of one of the problems we had, she doesn't find herself beautiful, but in my eyes, she's the only woman that is. She thought I was lying and trying to flatter her, though its just how I felt, and how I still feel. The pain in the heart hasn't lessened one bit, even after over a week, it remains as strong as it was, which is very odd because we lonly went out for a week and i knew her only a month before that, but tis like I've known her for so much longer. But I fear she didn't share those feelings

 

Yeah, that phase can last for a while. The best solution is to focus on the standard routine & doing what you do in your day-to-day life as well as you can.

Nothing solves the "I-need-them-to-be-happy" blues better than a sense of deserved acheivement & the feeling that you're in control of your own life & it's going well.

Nothing makes it worse than continuous agonising over the oppotunity missed, dragging everything else through the mire with it.

A good day in lab, with plenty of results taken & problems solved, always made me feel better after my ex & I broke up.

No wonder so many Physicists are single!

 

You can do it either way: stop bothering and move on, or analyse the problem and draw conclusions. The former will make you happy, the latter will give you wisdom. I would take the latter, but the choice is yours.

You don't know her feelings, even less can we tell anything for sure from your relation. One day you'll know. Perhaps you'll think that what happened now was for the better. Perhaps something will happen to you that will help you understand her motives.

At any rate, it's her loss. No point dating for the sake of it. It's only worth it if you're looking out for something permanent. You don't have to be with anyone to have a valuable life, so you may as well keep single until you come across someone.

 

Ever heard the adage "S/he is in love with being in love."? That almost sounds like what you're describing, chev. There really isn't any point dating just for the heck of it. When the right person comes along, believe me, you'll know it.

Does that mean what I think it's supposed to mean?

 

I don't date for the sake of dating, I've only had two girl friends, one which wasn't that serious four years ago, and the one who recently left me.

Everything in me screams at me she's the one, but I don't know. I don't have much expierence in this and we haven't known each other for very long; a month before we went out, the whole time I was interested in her and the more I learned the more my feelings grew until I asked her out. I felt the best I've ever felt when I was with her, things were going so great, or so I thought. But she found that I was coming off to strong too soon. It lasted about a week, at which point she dumped me because she said she didn't share my feelings. Afterwards we talked and I learned more and more of what went wrong, there were lots of things, mainly about me coming off too strong and her missinterpreting my intentions and feelings. She found that my feelings were premature, and that my behaviour was similar to that of an abusive/obsessive boyfriend, but that wasn't it.

Anyway, I still can't stop thinking about her, and it pains me so much. I am analyzing the problem, I've done much looking into myself, and her and I have spoken about it. I have learned so much already, but I still wish we could be together. But its best for her if she can find someone who can give her what she deserves, though I know how to better do that now; she isn't interested thus its best for her if she finds someone else.

As much as it hurts, its whats best, for her, and thats what matters to me.

[ February 27, 2005, 02:59: Message edited by: Rolsuk Fryulee ]

 

Although self-centered wouldn't be the adjective I use to describe her in this instance, she does NOT understand :/ I just put my phone on silent

hehe I thought this too, but in the sense that it was looooong

 

How familiar. Some ten more times and you'll get used to it.

Wonder if she realises that the next time she has a crush on a guy, she's going to come off the same.

As above, as above.

Sometimes someone will enjoy the romance but won't want attachment and commitment. Sometimes, if someone gets too crazy, the other person might think he's dealing with a psycho and for girls this probably matters more than for guys because they are the smaller and weaker ones, physically (abusive girlfriends don't normally give you a beating).

 

Thanks for the support, it helps knowing that I'm not the only one, and that I'm not going insane. Its just that she has everything that I admire in a woman. As it is, I can't fully let go, we're friends at least, it was shaky at first, but things seem to have stablized. But I still feel as strongly about her as before and the pain is the same as it was over a week ago when she dumped me, the difference is that I know a whole lot more now then I did then.

But I hate that people fear when someone cares about them, or comes off too strong, almost everyone my age says that you can't care for someone that quick, and if you do then you're a creep obsessive boyfriend. All but one or two of my peers feel this way, so it made me doubt my feelings, but they're there. And the difference between an obsessive/abusive/creepy boyfriend is that they care being with that person and are unwilling to let go. But a person who genuinly cares is willing to let go as its best for the other person, no matter the personal cost. If only they realized this.

 

@chev:
I'm not saying "ditch the analysis phase", 'cos that is useful, as you've said. But there is danger in too much navel-gazing: a friend of mine was dumped by the (then) love-of-her-life and ended up wallowing in sorrow for so many months afterwards that she failed her exams. Re-sitting a year of Civil Engineering (or as I like to call it, "concrete studies") is far too great a price to pay.

In conclusion: "analyse the problems, draw conclusions" & then move on = good; paralysis by analysis = bad.

 

Rolsuk, you can always depend on time. Give it a couple of months and -as incomprehendible as it may sound now- you'll have forgotten a lot of the pain you're feeling now. Love, or rather the more crushy, passionate, blind love doesn't last a lifetime.

In the main time, try to detach a bit, focus on doing stuff you're good at and demand hugs from friends and family.

 

Agreed. Wallowing does no good.

A girl who really things along those lines is likely to end up with a real creep obsessive boyfriend. For example, one that doesn't give a damn about feelings but enjoys having her in possession. Such guys do play it cool.

Yes, indeed. The problem with letting go, however, is that people tend to return, so one had better make sure it's a final letting go. As for doing the best for the other person no matter the personal cost, how about telling a girl to go for the other guy? Sometimes you (will) need to do that, too.

 

My girlfriend dumped me yesterday... She said she "didn't want to be with a girl who couldn't understand her unique wants and needs," to put it in her words. But they were pretty much the same wants and needs as my own, which is one reason we were together in the first place. Why does love have to be so confusing?

 

I've never been in a relationship, but that doesn't mean I haven't tried, I have, its just none of them say yes!

I have alot of problems and the most prominent is I get nervous when I come to telling people how I feel, cos I always feel that they might laugh at me, so its very rare for me to start a conversation with someone I don't know. I also have appalling timing, I always wait until I'm good friends with a girl before telling her how I feel and by then she says "I just never really thought of us as more than friends".

Is there a point in knowing someone at which you can't ask them out?

Another problem of mine is that I spent much of my childhood in a fantasy world, I hated reality, I still do. Reality was where I got bullied, and laughed at because of my buck teeth! I don't care any more cos I got them sorted, and I realise how stupid it was to get upset because of some insults but the experience I think made it harder for me to express myself.

I thought I found the right girl a while back, so I told her how I felt, she didn't share the feelings, but I couldn't let it go, and I couldn't talk to her cos I'd have probably passed out! So she told me to write it all down and she'd read it, so I did.

It worked, I mean I still like her alot but I know she knows how much I like her so I don't have to think about it anymore, Writing is the best sort of therapy!

I seem to beable to make friends with girls but none of the ones I like want to go any further by the time I get to telling them how I feel!

This is why I hate reality, it's just so damn complicated!